Apparently I’m controlling

[anicecuppateaa]

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

Your DM is very local and stays the night?

would she be staying the night when you’d arranged for her to cover the day you’re away?

Some of the comments have jumped to your DH having an affair or being abusive and that seems a stretch based on what you have said. It simply sounds like you are both juggling too much, and every now and again, the pressure builds and someone loses their rag. You are not communicating effectively so it becomes even more stressful.

You said your DH refuses to come up with a solution. The examples you have given are:

• he looks at closer jobs
• we move closer to my parents (more family support)
• we move and I stop working (to pick up all the slack at home)

Firstly, has your DH given a clear reason why each of these are unsuitable? Is he worried about costs of moving, dynamics changing or is it just a fear of change perhaps?

Whilst you figure out a long term solution, can you put things in place to reduce the strain for now? Some additional childcare for example? Can DH work from home more days?

Would DH be open to just looking at more local jobs? Could you look at reducing hours?

I would sit down and prepare to have a proper conversation about your long term family plans. What do you both want? What is important in terms of your lifestyle? What environment do you want your children to grow up in?

It doesn’t seem fair on you if you are constantly trying to come up with a solution, and your DH says no to them all and doesn’t offer any alternative. There has to be compromise based on what you both want as a family.

In a good marriage, when you know that your husband goes to the office on Wednesdays, and you have a business trip yourself next Wednesday, it's reasonable to take the initiative to make arrangements to cover the childcare you'd normally do. That's because in a good marriage, you understand each other, and can anticipate how best to keep things running smoothly and support each other. You know that you have each other's backs. So, even if the arrangements turn out to be unnecessary because the husband's plans have changed from the norm, nobody gets upset or feels slighted. Because... Seriously... Why on earth would they. Would you? What harm has been done? Either they cancel the mum, or the mum comes anyway and the husband gets a bit of extra childcare that he hadn't counted on, win-win.

Or, in a good marriage, when you know that there is flexibility around your husband's office hours, you might ask him if he can be around, before seeking alternative arrangements. Also fine and normal.

The point is, in a good marriage, people act in good faith appropriate to the situation, and the other person doesn't get upset about things which don't matter.

Sacrifice the money and buy more childcare.
If you feel frazzled deal with the stress; keep the home calm and happy so you all love being a family.
Nanny? Au pair? Caterer making batch meals?

In three years more options will open up ..
Kids will be in school.
Husband might have secured a closer job.
All sorts of things might change.

So you think this is a good marriage?

There is so much about the situation that indicates that these are two fundamentally unhappily married people about a host of reasons

No, I don't think it's a good marriage at all, because the husband sounds like a massive prick. If you're really asking "Knowing that he's a volatile prick, should she be tiptoeing around him while planning her eventual escape", then my answer is yes.

There is someone at his office that he’s involved with. He is starting fights about absolutely nothing while slowly pulling away from you and refusing to make plans with you. You need to go through all of his devices and find out what is going on.

So moving towards your family doesn’t change his commute much? Go for it!!!

Clearly both are very unhappy I’d say

and interesting how you completely dismiss what he says as absolutely 100% complete bullshit

Can he move back to the SE if it's a big national company? He's got the experience now (presumably it was on promotion or for some training) and this doesn't sound sustainable.

Surely that experience is now transferrable back to his old office or somewhere else in the SE it is an area with a lot of opportunities?

It just doesn't seem worth it unless it's a niche position in which case he needs to think seriously about solutions.

In terms of moving up the ladder, you make sacrifices to move up, train etc but not stay in a horrible position open endedly.

Counselling? I'd try online. You might have to do the first session in person. Let him do it from his hotel room if need be. Might be illustrative.

He's implying you're abusive. That's a very serious accusation. You haven't said anything that sounds as if you are. In fact you seem to be the one treading on eggshells.

I would not see a future with someone who thought I was abusing them. Or with someone who thought adapting to the needs of the family was being controlled.

Honestly he sounds manipulative.

Yes, I do dismiss it. It is not credible, based on the OP's account here and the way she comes across (which is all any of us have to go on), that she is "controlling" and that her husband is scared of her. If you're suggesting that the entire thread is fiction and that she is actually a horrible wife whose husband is cowering in fear, then that's quite a reach, but I'm happy to apply my judgement to what seems more likely. I don't think that's "interesting", I think it's pretty normal and allows me to navigate life with a sense of perspective.

He may be unhappy, it doesn't mean he's not being a prick. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything to address his unhappiness, just throwing his dummy out of the pram.

Agree with the other posters. He seems to have something in that job or location that he doesn't mind travelling so far for. And he's very keen that you don't become financially dependent on him. And switched on when he is at home.

Goodness to 100% dismiss this as “not credible” is…. Well, confident to say the least

Calling you controlling when you are just asking him to help organise.
This implies you abuse him.
Extra nights out at work.

Does he pick fights?
Has he Checked out? Or not as warm as before?

If you came back and said he’s cheating I wouldn’t be shocked. The script is boringly predictable.

I certainly wouldn’t leave the area where your family are.

Well, you enjoy your version of reality, and I'll enjoy mine.

so the higher earner should find a new job and move 3 small children hours from family support? Yes, that makes sense..

You are not controlling.

He is abdicating responsibility and dumping it on you then telling you its you who is in the wrong.

He's emotionally abusive.

Do not move closer to his job and away from your family. Especially when your marriage already sounds rocky. My first instinct would be he’s up to something sus. I will be 100% honest: I would be going though his phone if I were you and my husband acted like this. I know it’s wrong and all that but I just would.

Is what worth the money? Her job or his?

@MoodSwingSet you beat me to it

@anicecuppateaa one thing I will agree with OP is I think it’s odd he doesn’t want to do anything to rock the boat whilst having an extraordinary long commute and the odd overnighters. I too would possibly be a bit suspicious - even good guys can turn out to be total twerps and will arrange life in such a way that suits their arrangements.

Lots of comments - I’ve read them all but will reply below.

On number of dc/ poor planning - in short, his role was local, and changed after we had twins. He used to do 1 day down there which was manageable, but the increase puts double the pressure on.

My DM isn’t local, hence staying last night and comes one day a week to help us out with looking after dc.

On me moving jobs, I think I’ve explained why it makes me nervous/ feel vulnerable. If there was a sense of ‘we’re in this together’ and this is best for our family, I would do it. But to be frank, he had an almighty falling out (rightly, I fully support him on this) with one of his parents recently, so I don’t think moving away from friends/ towards his family is sensible.

I can’t easily cut my hours. I already squeeze a FT role into 0.8 and there is no prospect of him wfh more.

I’m hoping he comes home today having taken a breath, and realises how ridiculous his reaction was. As others have said, I attempted to provide a solution for the day I am away as it is a day he is due to be in the office (and made a massive scene yesterday about needing to be there on that specific day each week).

I will see what tonight brings. Thanks for the support (on the whole).

You don’t mention whether this issue aside, this is actually a happy marriage?

on the day you’re away… will it be overnight?

It’s not the first time he’s said you’re controlling is it?