Apparently I’m controlling

[anicecuppateaa]

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

I suspect that what you see as being organised, he sees as 'controlling'. The thing is, with children, a full time job and a house to manage, spontaneity has to go out of the window and organisation in through the front door.

Most of us can see that your argument has a great deal of merit, giving your whole family unit better support and ultimately benefiting your DH but, he has to see that, for any change to work for all of you, it will have to be meticulously planned and you cannot do that without discussions and understanding everyone's needs.

I wonder if he sees the change in lifestyle that is inevitable when children come into a relationship, as a something that is causing him to lose control of his own life/affairs? If he's not thinking but just reacting, he's probably being resentful that you have done all this to him (you haven't, but he's not considering the entire picture) and labelling you as being controlling makes him feel better about his resentfulness/unhappiness. He can blame you, so that's OK then.

Couples counselling might be a way forward, but I can see you might struggle to fit it in, even if he agrees. Personally, I would try to get both of you to view family/home matters as a business that you run together. Set out targets for what you both want to achieve and create proposals for the various steps you could take to reach those targets. Schedule meetings to sit down and discuss things in exactly the same way as you would at work. Set an Agenda for the meetings and agree it in advance. If necessary use minutes too. I know this sounds daft, but you both have skills, probably admin skills, that you could use to problem solve at home. Particularly if your abilities are complementary rather than similar.

I have done this kind of thing and found it helpful. Diary setting sessions were good too, to ensure one person didn't plan to be away/late on a day when the other had lots to do anyway. However you go forward, try to keep in mind that home is a shared enterprise and you both need to be involved in the necessary planning/organisation to make it work successfully.

In short - don’t move, don’t whatever you do give up your job. Find out what is going on and why he is more keen to have arguments with you than constructive conversation with his employer about his extra day at work and staying over arrangement.

My view in these situations (albeit potemtially bleak for some) is expect the worst (affair) - that way nothing will surprise you and you won’t get caught off guard.

He might just be selfish and immature but who knows.

I have been on MN for roughly a decade and this is my first LTB.

I know worse things are posted, but I genuinely felt angry reading your post. Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive as I had to forsake my own career because an ex wouldn't be flexible with his lowly paid, different shifts every week job, to allow me to either work or study.

He's not compromising. You work as much as him but left with everything else. Ask him how he fancies going 50/50 with the childcare if you separate. And how dare he tell you that it's only you who gets stressed about it - yeah, because you're left with all the responsibility.

An update.

We discussed/ argued again last night. He eventually apologised about the controlling comments, but it didn’t feel genuine and I’m sure will come up again.

I will keep a very careful eye on things but for now, I think its overwhelm rather than affair. The family fallout has affected him more than I realised, and he’s feeling under a lot of pressure because he never sees any of his family (both his mum and dad’s sides and respective aunties, cousins and both sides have called him out on it in the last couple of weeks). I don’t think it’s my place to organise seeing his family and don’t think he has the desire the change it/ see them more so it’s a bit chicken and egg.

Positives - he has changed work plans 2 days next week to be here for drop offs, and is currently reading to all 3 dc together (we usually split bedtime).

I think you are spot on with all of this and the meeting suggestion is a good one - I have a friend who does this every sunday and I used to think it was hilarious, but is actually a good/ efficient way to both be involved in home life.

Sounds like he’s been controlling. What a weird reaction. Don’t whatever you do move away from your family and friends. Maybe a good start would be get a cleaner someone to take care of the washing and ironing. Take the load off you a bit.,
then put some childcare in place I have a feeling you’re gonna need your career and your income in the future family and friends really important in your situation if he’s cutting up rough now I’d be protecting myself

This genuinely sounds like the best option? Could you manage this if he stayed over night near the office more if you did this move? Honestly there is so much more to life than working and the stress of it all! He sounds unreasonable and unwilling to compromise. I wouldn’t be moving closer to his job and away from your support network.

Lots of men accuse a woman of being controlling when all she's asking for is fairness consideration and accountability. He is weaponising therapy speak about you like Jonah hill.

I think you need an au pair though

He accuses you of damaging his career by asking him to step up at home, but he is happy to see yours take the hit. It sounds to me as if he either resents you earning more and would like to chop you down to size, or he is so intransigent because in his mind, only he matters.

m I would hesitate before moving anywhere I would be isolated. His behaviour doesn’t look like he sees you as part of his team.

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me, look it up. Do not move closer to his work and family it will alienate you even more. There is more to this definitely on his side not yours. He isn't telling you the truth somewhere and it isn't adding up. He is saying he is scared of you and you're controlling him to get you to back off and do what he wants, which is the emotional blackmail. I've seen this in my own circumstances with my parents. My dad had a 3yr affair with a work colleague and was taking her on work holidays and the lot. Every time it was my mam's fault he had to go to pub to get out of the house and away from her being controlling. Her fault he was so stressed. Her that was having an affair. It is very worrying behaviour. Weigh it up if you would be better off alone because you are basically doing it alone and the children as they get older will pick up on it. By the age of 8 I was literally begging to live with my grandma, the atmosphere was so toxic with his lies and his turning stuff round on my mam that I was ringing my grandma at 8-9pm and running out of the door, where my grandma set off to meet me cos I couldn't stay another minute. An 8yr old walking alone in the dark was me because my mam thought breaking up the family was the worst thing but it was the best thing. Yes we were upset and even on a weird level we wanted him to stay but omg looking back the mental stress was unbelievable.