Apparently I’m controlling

[anicecuppateaa]

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

He is definitely using DAVRO to prevent op from really insisting on the changes needed.

Don't even think about giving up your job. There sounds like a lot of resentment on his side and you'll be completely up the creek further down the line if you do.

Can you compromise on house location?

He is either completely not coping with his work, and turning it round on you, or he's up to something.

THANK YOU for validating my thoughts. Honestly I thought I was losing my mind last night.

To answer questions - he works for a national company, not in the city but in a different region to where we live. He has been at the same company 20 years and his role changed from a SE regional role to SW.

On the days he is at home, he is a hands on, great dad. We split drop offs and he is happy to do both pick ups. He goes to kids activities (booked by me) at the weekends. I could insist on splitting the days, but the thing is, I love being a mum and can balance my job to usually be at home in the morning and do a drop off on the way to the station.

I have become the defacto organsier - all weekend plans, any occasional babysitting, presents for the 37382927 birthday parties we attend etc. I organised the holiday/ clubs/ activities over Easter and will do the same for half term.

We have a cleaner and have had nannies in the past. Once all 3 are in the same place, an after school nanny might be the answer.

The person who said he is unwilling to find solutions is correct - I have offered:

• he looks at closer jobs
• we move closer to my parents (more family support)
• we move and I stop working (to pick up all the slack at home)

and he has a negative response to all of the options.

Therapy is a good idea - but when the heck would we do it…! Maybe it’s a part of the stage of life and we need to ride it out.

Never heard of this but will have a look. Thank you

Exactly this, and this is how I feel.

Initial thoughts were an affair.

Personally I would move, become mortgage free and let him stomach the cost of x nights a week in a hotel for his work commute. It sounds as though he won’t compromise on his job so you have to put yourself and your children first as it sounds as though he won’t.

His accusation of you being controlling is worrying though - that’s why I initially thought of an affair, or perhaps he’s planning on leaving?

Therapy is a good idea - but when the heck would we do it…! Maybe it’s a part of the stage of life and we need to ride it out.

Him being horrible isn't part of the stage of life. It's true you're at a very busy stage of life, and so you need to be pulling together as a team. Not him doing as he pleases and then accusing you of being "controlling" and "scary". That's something that's a bad character trait of his. Therapy also pointless unless he's actually willing to take an honest look at himself, instead of deflecting blame.

It would be a huge mistake to move closer to his job or to drop your job. He already thinks you’re less important. I see he’s good when he’s at home, although by good you don’t actually mean equal. But I’d be very very very unimpressed by this. I don’t think I could really manage the resentment in your place if he is incapable of recognising that you carry the family and all the extra evenings you do when he’s not around. (I know people say this on mumsnet but you are totally due an ‘oh I’m not coming home tonight’ moment and leaving him to it’ I really don’t understand this blow up he’s had over your mum helping - what would have happened otherwise? You go to the office, he goes, and no one picks up the kids? What does he say would have happened?

Definitely don’t give up your job or move further away from your family - he doesn’t sound like someone you can trust to have your back or put your interests first, so you need to do that for yourself!

Take him out of the picture, is there anywhere that would work for you to move to? I’d seriously look at moving there.
him, angry: what about me??
you; ‘what about you? I’ve asked and asked you to consider our family and the extra load I carry with your job and you refuse point blank to even think about it. This move would be a game changer for me, why should I consider you when you don’t consider me?’

You’re not at all sorry, you’re judging.

So did he have this job prior to you having 3 kids? Surely after the first one you knew what it would be like?? Did he take the job knowing he would be home 2-3 days or is this after Covid? Would work be within their rights to request 5 days?
Not much you can do if he has to be there. This should have all been considered prior to planning for a family! Bit late now.

I say this gently. Dont give up your job any time soon. It seems like there may be a lot going on under the surface here with DH. I would be holding fast until I knew where this marriage was going before giving up my job and independence.

This was my first thought tbh with that. Mount of gaslighting going on.

I mean this in the kindest way - but I suspect it’s not his job he is prepared to travel that distance for

"I have become the defacto organsier - all weekend plans, any occasional babysitting, presents for the 37382927 birthday parties we attend etc. I organised the holiday/ clubs/ activities over Easter and will do the same for half term."
Could this be what he means by controlling? Not saying he's right to call it that, but this is the first thing in any of your posts that looks at all like something a partner might feel was controlling.
You took it on yourself to organise babysitting for while you're away next week, and he didn't want this. Are there other things you're organising that he's going along with but would actually rather not do, or do differently? Different half term activities? The occasional weekend of down time?

Sorry to go against the grain, but I think it is controlling to dictate what will be happening when you are away. I wouldn’t be happy if my partner went away for a night and told me that my MIL would be there, presumably because I’m incapable of coping alone.

Yet you say he’s a good hands on dad when he’s around, so you had no reason to do that, never mind doing it without telling him. I’d be prompted to use the word controlling in similar circumstances.

I also think it’s controlling to insist that someone else either has to move house or change jobs for the sake of two days a week in the office, otherwise they are 100% in the wrong.

He's up to something. Any change in behaviour, conversation, interests etc recently? Mentionitis?

No it’s not. But tbh I would be looking very closely at the relationship. How supportive is he actually? Why is his job more important? Would you really miss him if you had to do it alone

What's he bringing to the relationship apart from money?
Would you be happier as a single parent living near your family without the expectation of another adult helping you (and therefore it being worse when you're let down) ?

It seems to me he is taking full advantage of your situation. You are too busy, stressed and tired to really look at how far from ideal this has become op. I am wondering why you haven’t simply issued an ultimatum? Rather than pandering to him and even considering giving up your job to accommodate him, which is very dangerous.

It seems some part of you doesn’t want to rock the boat too hard or at all. Why not?

As I see it, you are the main breadwinner, you are doing the bulk of the mental load, life admin and child care. He has been given a free pass to skip off to his job and overnight stays whilst blaming the stress created on you, and accusing you of being controlling. This is just ridiculous op. He is gas lighting and refusing to engage with any solution, because you being distracted and exhausted suits him perfectly….

It seems he is being the controlling one as he refuses to compromise and instead wants you to give up everything - career, friends, family, uproot the DC to move to his job, his friends, his family.

For crying out loud 🙄

There's always one

My thoughts as well