Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Also, and not many will probably agree with me, but I told everyone! Everyone who knew the pair of them! Family, mutual friends, colleagues, probably because I was younger and bitter but I did feel like I had loads of people looking at for things, making it harder for them to talk or meet up, I’m not really proud of that but I do think the shame of it and knowing everyone knew shames DH into ending things with her once and for all! Also, she was ashamed and embarrassed too!

Flabbergasted by your update, OP. I'm so sorry, he's not showing you any respect or demonstrating that he's trying to prioritise your marriage.

I don’t understand how he cannot see that anything he feels a need to hide is an indicator that it’s not right. Hiding from colleagues, hiding from you.

Nurturing a relationship with someone else means he cannot nurture you. If he is not talking to you when he is home then he is not sharing with you.

He needs to drop her completely and almost ‘date’ you again to see if you have any connection/anything left.

But I suspect, like you and others, the trust cannot be restored.

I’m sorry @GreenBiscuit25 been there (though not married, no kids) and it hurts like hell.

The f*cking audacity!! Cut him loose, he doesn't deserve you x

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute twat, couldn't stay away from her at all could he. At least you know where you stand I suppose but im so sorry for what you are going through. I think you've been fantastic.

You're being a walk over. You should have told him that there are two minimum things he must meet for your marriage to continue;

1. He hands in his notices and gets another job as staying around her is untenable.
2. He ceases all contact with her immediately, blocks her number and never sees or speaks to her ever again.

Oh and you know what? I doubt he was speaking about his marital troubles to her when they met up recently. That was a cover. They certainly weren't discussing his marriage on their date together.

I genuinely don't think she even knows he is married! I think she has no idea! I think she is under the assumption he is single.

PS; I'd threaten to send the screenshots of him conducting an affair on his work laptop to his boss, if he doesn't cease all contact immediately.

I’m afraid OP that when men form some kind of an emotional attachment to someone else of this kind - even if nothing has happened sexually - they tend to become infatuated very quickly to the loss of all reason - you then tend to take on a role of mummy and they genuinely have no shame in some cases of telling you unnecessary stuff regarding the other person - they almost delight in it like they were telling an old mate - it’s utterly nuts and yes you see them in a totally new light - and not a good one .

Yeh he’s hedging

These two should have been a given. Op should not have to tell him to do this.

OP. Start divorce proceedings and see how he likes them apples. She is getting a cheating tool as a booby prize.

I can’t believe he still went on a lunch date with her even after he is having to live elsewhere at the moment.
Wow, he’s really not taking you seriously or he does really want to be with her.
Stay strong OP- sorry but think he’s checked out and you have no option but divorce.
One day he’ll realise how stupid he has been but at the moment he want the OW.

That’s not fair. She was waiting to see if her stupid fucking husband was able to do the right thing. He catastrophically failed and now she is much clearer about things.

I am so sorry - certain threads tug on the heart strings. Definitely not the first post of its kind but for some reason I can’t stop reading it. I think I’m emotionally invested for you be because you seem so reasonable and undeserving & like you say, the betrayal is the emotional investment. I think we can all relate to being weighed under with kids and hoping our partner isn’t tempted by the shininess of someone new.

Only time will tell but the very worst case is he ends up with @officechatwithmarriedmen69 and soon learn how it all works - he’ll leave her how he found her. He’ll always regret what he has done and be answerable to your son.

Probably too early to say but if you wanted to move on you could. You have one child who is 6 and becoming less dependent. It sounds you both have caring families. You’re only 35 and sound - you could find someone & rebuild. I’d say life owes you some good luck.

I know that all sounds unthinkable but this will pass and is the worse part.

I'm so sorry op.

So sorry to read your update OP.

It is baffling how he thinks meeting up with her after everything was a good idea. He is clearly not ready to let go of her and has shown how he cannot be trusted. If he can't do something simple like stay away even for a week, what hope does that hold.

You've not gone in guns blazing and have given yourself time and space. I hope as hard as it is you can find peace in your dignified attitude to going through this and know that you can create a wonderful life away from a man who has repeatedly hurt you.

Best to leave him as he's playing around akin to cheating by being promiscuous in thought by email and now he'll just go underground even more to get what he desires from the other lady.

@GreenBiscuit25 before you go nuclear, is there any part of you that wants to salvage this? To try and get his head out of his arse? Divorce is hard, staying is hard - there’s no good and easy outcome but you said financially you’d be in a difficult position and you have a young dc so splitting right now might feel too hard.

Did he suggest stopping messaging or did you ask him to? Did he understand meeting her and confiding in her was at the very least mind boggling stupid and at worst disrespectful and indicative that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you? You say you know his password for everything, I hope you’ve checked his instagram to see what the nature of those messages are?

If there’s any part of you that’s on the fence about splitting, I would ask him to move back in with very specific conditions (keep your enemies close):
NC with OW and if not possible then look for another job
Tell his family
Full transparency with devices
Couples counselling
3 or 6 month trial
Divorce proceedings in place and ready to press go if he in anyway transgresses.

I don’t think you’ll get a full apology and remorse now because he still doesn’t see what he’s done is wrong, so if you are to get past this then you need him to get to that point and counselling might be the key.
Or it could just help you to agree to separate and deal with the utter hurtfulness of this situation.

I admire you so much. Many women stay on with promises from the cheater, you didn't. Good luck for your future.

FWIW, nothing is going to change, despite promises etc., as long as they are working together.

I agree with this but wonder if, with some men, they literally want the wife at home to wash their clothes and keep the home fires burning while they live out their fantasy life with the OW?

When I met an ex, I didn't realise he was still married for an embarrassingly long time but when I confronted him (having received an anonymous letter from his wife's father) he tried to persuade me to keep seeing him and he would sort it so all would stay as it was at home. Ummmm.....how is that going to work then?

He didn't want to lose his home and his chief cook and bottle washer but he didn't want to lose me either. He did of course. Knobber.

The brass neck on some of these men is astonishing.

Shit. It's awful that he's had an affair. His response to being found out is unforgivable. Sorry.

He’s still in “the fog” so of course he met up with her. Look at what nasty old you have accused them of! They are in it together, it’s all perfectly innocent of course, but they have a problem which they just have to discuss, you against them.

It’s all total shite of course, and just a continuation of the lies he has told himself to allow his shit behaviour to continue. It’s up to you if you want to actually wake him up or if you cannot be arsed with such a spineless tool.

I think your options are either go nuclear, tell him he ceases all contact with her immediately, books therapy for himself and you as a couple and finds a new job or you divorce him. That is a hard road for you quite frankly because he’s destroyed the trust and rebuilding that is a painful, hard slog, with absolutely no guarantee of success. Can you be bothered? Is it worth it for you?

Second option is just to file for divorce. Consign him to the shit heap and move on. Easier said than done but definitely easier in the short/medium term than trying to work through it.

There are no easy choices here op and I’m sorry he’s been such a massive twat.

OP is no ‘walkover’!
He got chucked out of the house and sent to his mother’s! It takes guts to call his bluff and do that.
You’d have to be brainless in his situation not to see that ceasing all contact etc was obviously what you ought to do. He can’t even see that for himself, let alone do it, and can’t or won’t get himself out of his ridiculous infatuation. He even went through with meeting the OW again, despite his marriage and family life being in total jeopardy.
OP is therefore on the point of divorcing him, hardly a walkover!

Fair enough. Men can be quite thick though and so I think she should have told him what he needed to do. If you rely on a man to finally realise, you' be waiting for 50 years. At least. Instead she said she 'didn't know' what she wanted and she had to think about it too. It just sounded to wishywashy to me. I would have read him the riot act day one and told him to quit the job and stop communicating with her or I'll send the screenshots to their boss and fuck both their lives up.

I'm so sorry he clearly doesn't care he has zero respect for you, he is leaving you no choice, maybe that's what he wants, I'm sorry again

His moving into his mum's was a crisis point in your marriage, and he had the opportunity to at least start to make amends or show that you are his priority.

Yet he used that opportunity to go on ANOTHER date with the specific woman at the centre of the entire thing.

He COULD have put you first and didn't.
He COULD have put an end to things with her and didn't.
He COULD have prioritised his family over thoughts about her tits, and didn't.

It doesn't matter whether he's touched her or not. He has shown you where you are in his list of priorities.