Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

At the moment he should be investing in your marriage and repairing the trust he continues to betray you. He can’t even say he didn’t know it was betrayal, as you told him clearly. He doesn’t care that he is hurting you. This should tell you everything you need about whether this marriage is worth continuing. He should be trying to rebuild with you not getting even more intimate with this other woman. Sorry OP.x

I am so sorry to learn that your husband is still meeting OW.
Do you know if his parents know the truth or has he spun them the web of lies?
Look after yourself, be strong.

His actions show you where he is at.

You are doing the right thing x

100%. I would phrase it to him since you’ve decided this marriage isn’t a priority / since your threw away a marriage/ i can see you’ve decided on your priority and it’s not us. To his parents you could message/say dh has decided our marriage is not his priority so we will be separating.

dh chose to look elsewhere. Dh has made some decisions that mean he’s at his parents looking for a place. Make it his decision every time you open your mouth, it has been his decision.

I would divorce his arse. And you know, statistically he will spend the rest of his life regretting this happened. At the moment he's in the romantic bubble - I can't believe he said they "brushed up against each other" what bullshit is that?

Anyway, stay strong, move forward, tolerate no more lies. And I'm really sorry he has done this to your family.

I think you are right to divorce him. He should have called her or messaged her and told her you had found out and please don't contact him again because he loves you and wants to stay married to you.

Instead.....this. Really? Sleazy as hell.

Be prepared for what will come next though. They will likely get into a proper relationship and it will be horrible because the thing that made it exciting is gone and in a few weeks or months, he will be asking to start again with you OP.

He is choosing to pursue ego kibbles and validation from this woman rather than repair his marriage, the highs and dopamine hits clearly too much of a draw. Tbh I think he’s lying about the contact they’re having. I don’t believe his ‘brushed against each other’ bs at all! His discussing your relationship with her is so utterly disrespectful.

He should have been fighting for you and for his family and he is not.

What an absolute prat!

Big hug op, 💐
You must be so disappointed in him, what a fool he is,
Yes you asked for truth but bloody hell op what a shock for you, how you managed to continue to sit there, well done op,
Look after you these next few days op,

What you wrote on May 17:
I told him I’ve been getting legal and financial advice to understand options and right now I don’t see how I can trust him again. I don’t care if nothing physical has happened, to me this is already cheating on me. He got upset - promised to make things right and do whatever it takes.

Pure lip service, @GreenBiscuit25. Total bullshit. A husband who is sent away as a sharp consequence for dating and building intimacy with another woman, and who is desperate and truly committed to ‘making things right’, would have immediately shut down this appallingly inappropriate relationship. Instead, your H proceeded full steam ahead with another lunch date (at the place she’s been dying to try?) and a cozy park bench tete-a-tete, complete with confiding and sharing hopes for the future. Oh, and they just had to walk and sit closely, as well as brush against each other several times. Sounds like intimate physical contact to me, and is an escalation.

They’re together, @GreenBiscuit25. He has zero plans to end their affair. He is besotted with OW and her worship of him and that is all he cares about. I advise you to stop flogging this dead horse and file for divorce.

How terrible for you.
I would only consider reuniting if your husband severs all contact with this woman (even at work). If his work place can not restructure their jobs, after his boss is told of the conflict of heart and threat to your family, then I would want husband to WANT to find new employment.
Once he resigns, deletes her off all social media and books himself into some couples therapy with you I would take his efforts sincerely.
Husband needs to demonstrate that he knows he is over stepping lines of trust and falling short on marital commitment. He needs to care to understand how not to be taken in by fleeting feelings again. To know when to step up communication efforts with you and keep your marriage rich and enticing..

He knew it would hurt you to meet up with her and he did it anyway. That tells you everything you need to know about where his head is at. He knows his marriage is in trouble so he’s lining her up as a replacement. Your poor DS - doesn’t your DH care what this is doing to him?

Sorry op
I’m angry your behalf . Let her have him , I hope it all blows up in their faces when the reality of day to day life kicks in and he has to look after 2 kids that aren’t his he’s an absolute fucking idiot .

our arms are around you right now, OP. This bit really sucks. I hope you have a brilliant support network around you.

Please know that his ‘confession’ about them meeting up is very very very unlikely to be the full truth, and more likely to be about him needing to start packaging the truth of the affair to make himself appear less bad. The first ‘confession’ I got was that ‘he thought he might have feelings for someone at work, she didn’t even know how he felt’, he cried and cried. All very moving but for the fact that they had been together for a year at this point. The silver lining is that the worse they behave, the easier it is to leave them (and to politely say ‘no thank you’ when the bubble pops, they realise they’ve messed up and ask to come back).

You never know, he might do a complete 180 and take responsibility for everything. But you have to proceed on the basis of how he is acting now.

whatever happens, there is happiness in your future, I absolutely promise you that. Xxx

As you navigate this next bit, try, if you can to love your son more than you hate your ex.

What I mean by that is, keeping things amicable between you and your H (I do not mean staying together!) will feel excruciatingly hard at first. Just having him spend time in your house will be the last thing you want. But you and your son could benefit from this for years to come.

By chance, a friend split with her husband at the same time as I split from mine. She cut all contact. For me, it was necessary, due to having very little kids, for him to come round regularly to spend time with them, help with bedtime, etc.

It was excruciatingly hard at first. But, it mitigated the emotional impact of the breakup on the children. It meant that the children continued to live with me, in their familiar and stable home (now that they are older they stay 1-2 nights a week with their dad and that is plenty. Their home is still their home). There is no need for them to move between homes constantly because they see their dad daily.

This also meant that we learnt to co-parent respectfully. I had no idea at the time what a difference this would make. The problem with sharing a child with someone is that you go through this huge emotional journey of ‘leaving them’, only to realise that you are stuck with them forever! Or at least until your son is 18 or so.

As for my wonderful friend, her son has to move every 2 days between his parents’ houses. She has spent many thousands of pounds on court, with more court dates in the coming years. It is very, very difficult for everyone.

There are many 100% valid reasons why someone might chose to go no contact (e.g. abuse), and I am not criticising anyone’s choices. I just wanted to explain what neither I or my friend knew at the time, which is that how you act now will have a huge long-term impact on you and your child.

OP I’m so sorry but your marriage is over.

Agree with @MsDogLady

He had a choice. He chose her.

You have a choice. It’s tough but please choose yourself.

File for divorce if you wish and communicate with him only about a child purely to protect yourself and your fragile state of mind.
As somebody up the thread said earlier- you don’t need “pain shopping” coming out of his mouth that they “rubbed against each other” or further physical contact.
Your H has left your marriage physically and emotionally.
Please seek support in real life. You don’t have to tell all and sundry that he’s having an affair but The shame is not yours and some people are good in the time of life crisis like this.

Is he still living at his mothers? Did she try to get in touch with you at all?Enquire about how are you and her DGC?

@scandimamaUK whatever works for you.

I could not imagine xH in my home in my space. He didn’t want to share any space with me in former marital home and actively avoided me.
I moved out. Funnily enough now he wants to hang around mine (maybe because it’s tidy,clean and smells of home cooked food)Errr,no.
The kids go to his and we are amicable.

As for your friend- I can’t imagine the hell this poor child goes through. Completely unnecessary and selfish of both parents and also avoidable.

I went through something so very similar OP, and it was actually a friend who spotted them out for lunch together. I couldn’t believe it and he seemed surprised he still couldn’t pop out for lunch at work with her!

He’s exDH for a reason now.

he let slip they had been out together this week

he said they went for lunch together snd sat on a park bench talking

He said they talked about family, goals etc.

he said no but admitted they had walked and sat close together and “may have brushed against each other a few times”

i asked if they still messaged and if they had messaged on instagram. He said they had although he was trying to minimise messaging they still needed to speak sometimes for work.

he said he would not meet up with her anymore or message her unless it was work related.

Look at it OP. Everything above is HE SAID.

Words are cheap. Look at the actions. He said he wouldn’t but he has.

Not only this but he also contradicted himself. He would not meet her anymore of speak to her “but sometimes he has to” meaning “I’ll conduct my relationship with this woman and hide it behind work curtain”

@TangerinePlate no, you’re right. I actually regret posting that, because each situation is different and you’ve got to choose what is right for you. I suppose I just wish I’d known the long term significance of my short term decisions, and I know my friend feels the same, so wanted to share that.

Seen your update. I’m so sorry @GreenBiscuit25.

If he wanted to fight to keep his family together, not least for the sake of your DS, he wouldn’t have met her again and would’ve deleted her from his social media.

Sure, he appears to have been brutally honest with you about what happened when they met, even the brushing. But he shouldn’t have been meeting her at all. And, as PPs have said, it may be a half-truth to appear honest. It’s what some people do when they lie, sadly.

Also, given the precarious state of his marriage and your concerns about (at v least) an emotional affair, he breached your trust talking to her about your marriage. The fact he’s admitted he did doesn’t make it any better. If they’re just work friends, why would he talk to her about his marriage, which most work colleagues don’t do unless they’ve become v good friends. They could’ve talked about a million other things.

You quite rightly asked for some space, to see how you felt and to give him chance to see how he felt. It was the right thing to do. There was a hope he’d say how much he missed you and how stupid he’s been and how much he wants to show you he loves and values you. Instead, he used that space to see her again to discuss your marriage and living arrangements. And the space seems to have made you realise you can’t trust him and don’t really want to fight for him.

So, looks like you’ve had your answer. Sending strength.

So sorry OP. I think you should definitely go ahead with divorcing this arse, he’s shown SO little respect for you!

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.
I’ve been where you are and I know it’s very hard 💐

This is a very hard read, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
My DD’s father had an emotional affair with someone when she was a baby. I did the same as you and asked him to leave, and he went to his parents. They are now married with two DC and have been for many years. I paid for the divorce and everything.
Why do I tell you this? Partly because I recognise the pain and hurt and the need for space. I am also not sure I did the wrong thing, I certainly did the right thing for them. But I would say let it sit for a bit, get some counselling, and don’t do anything in the heat of the moment. Right now you feel hurt and betrayed and that you cannot trust him. You want the pain to go away. But in some ways it doesn’t, you just have a whole new set of circumstances to deal with. In an ideal world, if you do separate, you do it in a measured and amicable way considering the best interests of your DC.
So I guess I am saying take your time, look after yourself and don’t do anything in the heat of the moment. It hurts, it’s a world of pain and that is not the time to enact life decisions.

It's time to grieve for the person you believed he was - be kind to yourself - all things take time - you will come out of this stronger & there is likely to be someone out there who actually does love you rather than themselves.

We're with you in the sad.