Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Urgh, not only has he done this to you but he is now using you to feel sympathy for him about the ‘situation’ he has found himself in. ‘Brushed against each other’ but poor him as he can’t do anything more. What a hard predicament for him. Yak even if this is the case it’s all about him. He is treating you not only as the lowest priority but leaning on you too. Remove that now. Hard line that it’s him that has decided to choose her. No talking about his feeling/clear cut now. You are his wife not his mates. He is acting as though he will have compromised by staying and he is doing you a favour. Whip that into shape. If you want to salvage it then he never sees her (bare minimum of work or he leaves), you have full access to his phones/emails, you go to counselling, reframe this as a big mistake/weakness that he should be embarrassed about. Make it clear how much of an effect this will have for many years to come and the whole family and this is a crossroads. You are willing to split but want him to be sure as many men make this mistake and regret it. Change the narrative. I wouldn’t have him kicked out playing the single life. He needs to be at home, mucking in, doing things with your child, pulling his weight

I’m so sorry OP - my heart sank when he continued to prioritise her and you are doing the right thing. I can’t add much else to what others have said but you are handling this so well, good on you and don’t take any prisoners in the divorce. Good luck x

I wouldn’t even tell him you’re applying for divorce just let him get the emails from the government website . Show him as much respect as he’s giving you . None. Set the ball rolling with the actual divorce which costs about £600 and can all be done online
obviously the splitting of assets needs a solicitor .

So sorry OP,he has done nothing different what a loser.

So he met her this week. My mind would be flipping between two possible reasons for that. This is a full blown affair and he felt he had to meet her in person to end it. Or he’s testing the water to see if she’s up for more since it’s possible you might be kicking him out permanently. Then he’s told you a fabricated and sanitised version of events that he thinks he might get away with under the guise of “being honest”. He’s a liar and he’s destroyed his marriage either way. What a shit.

Whether it's physical or not, he is being unfaithful and hiding things from you. You need to tell him you know what's going on. He'll probably deny it and say it doesn't mean anything etc but it does. See how he behaves once he knows you are aware and you are upset.

Weaponised incompetence. Asking you what he needs to do, like a child! He knows full well as he’s shown he’s capable with the intention he’s put into his “relationship” with OW.

He’s acting like he has no control over his life when it’s the exact opposite - almost like he wants you to call the shots because he’s too much of a coward.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Having read all the thread, I was wondering the same: what kind of people these two are? I bet he is unbelievable inmature, a poster Peter Pan; she, the OW, sound so (and I'm going to say this and hope I'm not banned) clearly stupid!
The whole thing screams cliche middle life crisis for the Peter Pan who now can be "the center of attention" (so pathetic for a father), and extreme naiveté for the dumb millennial, who I'm sure considers herself very interesting and compassionate for having seen the coolness of him. Oh my gosh, it's all so pathetic and sad...

I'm really sorry, OP, that you've been put through this hell for the stupid and cliche fantasies of two boring people.

I agree with this.

There is no point discussing things with him because he will then just tell her everything you have talked about and they will make their plans accordingly.

I feel his supposed truthfulness about his meet up with her is nothing of the sort. It will bear no relation to what actually took place. I think you need to assume this is already a physical as well as an emotional affair and he has obviously decided she is much more important to him than you.

I'm so sorry OP. You are behaving so courageously in a horrible situation. He doesn't deserve you, he isn't worthy of you.

I’m so sorry to read your update. I had a hope he would fight for his marriage but this is the final nail in the coffin for me.

So sorry OP - he has completely disrespected you time and time again - the meeting last week is the last straw. You are a strong woman and I wish you lots of luck

I also wanted to add: prioritise your son. He knows and feels what's happening and it's going to be an earthquake for his life. I don't say this to add more preassure, I'm sure you know this better than anyone. My point is he, your son, his health and wellbeing, is your North: don't lose sight of it, because it's going to be a bumpy road full of "distractions" provided by your husband's betrayal. I wish you and your son the best possible outcome 💐🙏

Post deleted as I'd not read the full thread.

Agree. When someone’s behaved in a way that’s crossed most reasonable people’s boundaries (let alone their DP’s), it’s up to them to propose what they intend to do to solve it and rebuild trust.

Someone who asks to be told what to do isn’t taking responsibility and/or is seeing what they can get away with. For example, he may not want to up-front propose moving jobs, so he no longer has any reason to contact her at all, if there’s a chance you wouldn’t go that far - and instead say he should only deal with her when essential at work.

I'm so sorry to read this update. As a PP said, that is a disrespectful man right there. I would be furious too.

He's a coward, clearing wanting you to end it so he can play the wounded, rejected husband, thrown into the arms of this co worker by an uncaring wife.

He has already crossed the line, you don't need more evidence, he is emotionally cheating. Don't torture yourself anymore. Tell him what you know and see how he reacts, then you can decide if you really want to carry on with someone who is not being honest with you. I know how it feels!

He has lost a good woman. You are not losing a good man.

Remember that if you start to waiver on your decision. It’s the difficult times that show someone’s true character and he’s shown you who he is, believe him. He’s insecure and selfish. His feelings mean more than yours or his sons. He’s not willing to sacrifice the ego boost for your peace of mind.

You deserve someone who would crumble at the thought of not being at home with his family.

Maybe they will get together and live happily ever after, maybe they won’t. But don’t invest any more of your life in someone who is not a good quality partner, it will only lead to heartbreak, if not now then later.

OP, I went something similar a few years ago. Woman 10 years younger at work, nothing physical etc etc. It ended the relationship, I just couldn’t get past the emotional betrayal. I missed him terribly, he was my best friend and the last man anyone expected to do this.

i just want to say that everything will be ok. It was the worse thing to happen, but it was also the best.

My God he is so bloody stupid.
Op, you gave the fucker the opportunity to redeem himself ( more than I would do ) and what did he do ?betray you by telling the OW about your marriage issues .
He doesn’t have any remorse for his actions which is the ultimate dealbreaker .
Please divorce his ass. Further conversation not needed . Only discussion should be about how he will see his children .

Give him a final ultimatum "end it or else". If that doesn't wake him up then its futile, although it looks like you've already decided its done.

Jesus Christ. I cannot believe he did that. What an utter fool.

I don’t blame you for feeling as you do OP, the betrayal during this week just about puts the tin lid on it. What a selfish, self-serving, idiotic twat he is.

If You do pursue the divorce, which I would if I were you, make sure you’re open with friends and family as to why. Tell everyone what he’s done and with whom. Because I think you’d better brace for them ‘starting’ a relationship once you separate officially, and you will feel better if people know the truth and get the jump before he starts rewriting the narrative.

I wouldn’t be giving him any more chances! OP has already done that and yet he still couldn’t resist meeting up with the OW, going for lunch and ‘brushing up against each other’. He blew his chance!

Your husband is an absolute fool.

I’ve been through the same thing, it’s now been six years and honestly it’s only recently (past few months!) that I’ve not felt pain when thinking about it. An emotional affair is really, really hard to get over as often the offending partner doesn’t truly realise how much they have betrayed you. It’s so heartbreaking to know that they have been closer to someone else- I was filled with hatred and rage for the OW for many years. We have crossed paths at parties etc in recent years and every time I see her, she has a little bit less hold over me. I know my husband is devoted to me, and is very happy now (he wasn’t at the time). However, our relationship has forever changed and will never be the same- you have to ask yourself if that is something you will accept? You will always have to have your wits about you and go with your instinct and be really open about anything that makes you uncomfortable and set very very structured boundaries. I really hope you’re ok, make the decision that’s right for you. PS: I’ve not read every post, have you spoken to the OW? I did and that helped, i realised she was deeply unhappy in her own relationship and it was therapeutic to put my side of things to her, to be honest she was really upset about it! But I wanted to rip her head off for many years!