Husband affair?

[GreenBiscuit25]

im looking for a bit of clarity as I’m in shock right now.

i (f35) have been married for nearly 10 years to husband (41) we have a good marriage, we have lots of family time with our only child (son, 6)

husband usually works in the kitchen and left his laptop open, I jumped on to check a recipe whilst I made dinner and a message popped up on his work channel from a woman he’s mentioned before but rarely spoken about- I clicked on the message which opened up all their message history (probably not ok for me to do this but still)

anyway it turns out they message aLOT! Like just about every day over work channel- and especially the last few weeks- the tone is sometimes playful and flirty and sometimes just about everyday life/weekend- but rarely work stuff! A few things that stand out-

1. the tone is definitely flirty at times- her mentioning going topless in the park and him saying “tell me more”
2. from what I could gather they have set up secret hangouts (dates?!!) going for coffee and a walk- this all took place during work time but clearly took a lot of planning of diaries- both talking about being excited for it- keeping it secret from others (she even suggested they set up a fake meeting!)
3. they have planned another hangout in a couple of weeks to give them both “something to look forward to”
4. when he take about his weekends he never mentions me and she only asks him about him and or son! But I know they have worked together a while so she must know he’s married!

I honestly felt sick- he’s out with his mates tonight so doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I’ve spoken with my mum who has told me to confront him when he gets back- what do I do!

Sorry, @FlakyCritic but if a grown man cannot work out how not to go on a picnic with his girlfriend at the expense of his marriage and family, he's not worth the effort.

@ClawedButler love your username!

I assume it's cycle related....

Thanks again for all the kind words and advice

ultimately I don’t think there’s an easy way forward and I did consider laying out more specifically what I wanted from him including no contact- but- I thought i wanted to see what he would do without being told. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions and I thought if the only reason he’s not seeing her is because I told him so, then that doesn’t seem sustainable. Will he justify any other interactions I didn’t specifically outlaw?

I didn’t detail all of the conversation we had but I made it very clear I wasn’t happy with him meeting with her and emotionally investing in her. He’s not a stupid man- far from it. I think he must have known what he did was wrong- and meeting again was wrong- but he tried to justify it as a bit of closure- but the reality is it turned into anither of their dates!

if I can’t trust him to make reasonable decisions under a crisis- I can’t trust him when times are more stable as well.

and yeah he changed all his passwords including instagram etc although they are STILL following each other on there (his only other followers are random businesses etc no actual friends so it’s basically a private account he uses for her)

so yeah I’m out- I just can’t see a way to go on with our marriage. I will need to figure out the logistics, but nothing is worth a life like that.

thanks and to anyone else who has gone through something similar thanks for sharing your stories and I have no judgement for those who have worked through it either- I just no for me and him it’s over.

This is the first time I have seen your posting and I have to say that your husband seems to totally lack self awareness and by seeing her privately again, after you have outlined the issue with him and he has moved to his mums, suggests to me that he is not acknowledging to himself that he is about to embark upon an affair. He has clearly handed her hope by saying he is at his Mums and if I was that woman, and clearly had no intent in that direction, I would be horrified at his situation and I would be on the phone, telling you so. I think she is holding out hopes that this is the start of something.

I had a close friendship with a male colleague for years, we regularly had lunch together but my husband and his wife knew, we were open and honest as we trusted our respective spouses and prioritised them. Had either of our spouses expressed concern, the relationship would have been down graded to work colleagues.

Rumours swirled about us, aggravated by the fact that his wife worked shifts and couldn't make some of the work related evening events we had and so she asked me to partner him as my hubby had no interest either. We didn't fancy each other, we enjoyed each others company and our partners knew that, we were honest and open and hide nothing. If you have nothing to be ashamed of, you don't need to hide it but the fact they were hiding it at work too, tells you that on some level, they knew it was not appropriate.

She is single, he is not, he is the one who must acknowledge his accountability and he has not. How can you trust him when for months he had not trusted you and has actually gone and seen her privately again, after you have told him how it makes you feel and what he risks to lose....he has poked the bear! He is in denial.

What likely comes next, in the fullness of time, is him having a fling with her....well if I am being accused of it anyway, I might as well just do it....in his head that will be your fault, you drove him to it.

Lets be honest, when you have been with a Partner for a long time, having someone else flirt with you is wonderful, if its harmless. But you cross that harmless line when you make secretive dates....that is not a platonic relationship, its taking it to the next stage, there is an intent there.

I've just read your update OP. I think you have made the right decision. I don't see how your marriage could ever recover from his behaviour.

All best wishes to you going forward.

I'm sorry OP. What a dickhead he has been, throwing his marriage away. You deserve so much better.

@GreenBiscuit25 massive squishes. x

You’re an incredible women… from a stranger on the internet, I am so proud of you. You know your worth and that’s something to celebrate 🙌

I sense so strongly that everything will be okay for you. Divorces can be tricky, but I can tell you’re a very clever lady and you won’t let this man walk over you.

also, I wonder if your “ex” husband might go further with this lady…. Don’t be surprised if all of a sudden they’re “dating” in a few months time. Sometimes people feel the need to go ahead with their bad decisions to make it look like it was all worth it, you know… loosing your family.

Thank you for sharing your story x

You’re amazing and he’s a fucking idiot. Stay strong xx

I think you're an incredible and strong lady, it's definitely his loss.
Respect to you and I hope everything turns out well for you. You definitely deserve better.
Sending strength for the next few weeks x

He’s an idiot - if he thinks about it does he really want to be with someone who is quite ok about his marriage going to shit because of her over involvement? . Whilst I realise she has no ‘loyalty’ to the OP and itsall on her H , it does say something to me about her lack of integrity/morals - presuming of course he’s told the OP the truth about conversations and not told her before that they were separated/divorcing etc and fed her a pile of shit

Agree with everyone. He is an idiot. And you know that OP.
I admire your strength and the way you conducted yourself in this situation. You know this is the most stressful part of this but things will be much better as times goes by. Only onwards and upwards.

I think the really unnerving thing for me is that you had not suspected anything until you saw the work messages. I think the messages they send on Instagram would be far more telling. However you know what you need to know. Your husbands actions after you found out send a very clear message. He’s always known it was wrong and he hid it soo well that it’s scary.

Someonr down thread said it’s possible to rebuild at 35. I support this and stand by it. I rebuilt and found my partner at 42 ( 5 years in now). You might not want to think about it now quite rightly but you deserve future happiness.

I can't believe he's stupid enough to throw his marriage away not once but twice. To be found out initially makes him an arsehole but then to meet with her again makes him an absolute moron!
Well done you - i really hope it works out exactly as it should x

@GreenBiscuit25 I wish you all the best for the future that you deserve: some peace of mind and happiness with your son. He’s got a great mum who’s showing him what loyalty and respect look like, his father is unfortunately doing the opposite. Take great care of yourself and plan for that happier future now.

I wrote this about being able to rebuild at only 35. I am a single Mum with a 9 year old and just turned 41 and then saw your post about rebuilding at 42 - this gave me hope. - a full circle post. I was a single Mum at 35 but I had a lot of hurt to work through and family tragedies, I’ve put off dating…

I think your husband @GreenBiscuit25 is a truly lost man and it’s his future self,
I feel sorry for . We all have opportunities for romance and excitement when we are middle aged and some of us go through the mid life crisis - even women. We all wonder what it would be like to fall in love again, to be single again. We also make decisions and mature commitments to grow old with the person we love. It’s an utterly irrational & foolish decision he has made. All relationships grow tired especially with young children & history will repeat especially with their blended family.

Does he not consider that his work have noticed their time on Teams?
And that it could jeopardise his employment with the company. because he is conducting an affair with a junior 'in work time'?

I would get him really worried. I'd say that you're surprised he isn't aware of the above, and perhaps consider how much you know, rather than simply assume you have been accessing his work laptop.

That ship has long sailed @Ariela

GreenBiscuit25 what a total tool he is. You sound amazing. To STILL meet up with this woman despite everything says it all. Someone truly ashamed and guilty and recognising their mistakes and how close they are to ruining their marriage would actually feel disgusted at the thought of seeing this person again. They’d feel anger at this person and themself. You truly deserve so much better. Know there is a brighter future ahead, you’re in the thick of it right now so it’s too cloudy to see that. Growing up with a Dad who serial cheated, they never change. All the best x

Sorry to hear your update OP. The cynic in me says he told you about the meet up as he was worried in case he was seen. He’s keeping his options open and you are right to be livid. Keep you dignity and standards OP and my motto is “always leave the table if respect is not being served”.

He's changed his passwords. That says a lot. You sound so amazing op

I'm SO sorry for all the distress and shock that you have had to cope with over recent weeks OP, and just wanted to let you know how much I admire you for the way you have dealt with this whole thing.

I think you have definitely made the right decision. The fact that while spending time, away from home, to consider his marriage and his future, he still decided to meet up with this woman, speaks volumes about just how involved he really is with her.

I hope that the separation is as pain free as possible for you OP, and that he doesn't make life awkward with regard to money, etc., when he finally realises what he's thrown away.

I don't know how old your child is, but can I ask how this has affected him, if you don't mind me asking?

The only chance your marriage had of surviving was him taking this on the chin and moving heaven and hell to put it right. Instead, he's still meeting her. He has made his choice very clear, and for that I'm so very sorry. But I have a feeling that you're coming to come out of this braver and stronger, and you will be his loss. Keep on keeping on, you can do this and post here whenever you need strength.

I haven’t caught up with the rest of the thread yet so apologies - but I’m so sorry this is happening to you. He’s an absolute rffing knobcheese - who the chuff in his position meets up with OW and discusses marital problems and then explains this to his wife!!! He’s checked out. I was all for saying it’s your choice but he has shown utter disrespect and this is not remorseful behaviour of someone who wants to make things good again with you. I am furious on your behalf. Stay strong and keep your head held high, and I hope you get more than you’re entitled to legally. He’s an absolute bellend for doing this.