DH near death experience but down to his own stupidity.

[breakdown98765]

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

Unless your DH is actually going down the stairs on stilts, it’s hard to judge. Is it a risky hobby (base-jumping?) or does he drink and drive? Drive racing cars? Go up to bouncers and yell “oy! twat!”?

Something to do with watersports?

Sky diving?

The op is so impossibly vague about whatever it is he is doing, how are we supposed to comment?

As you say something you can get away with in early 20s Im assuming something like motorcycle racing. Its big in our part of the world and every year there are several reports of young people dying or having life changing injuries.

If it is in that vein ie a dangerous hobby like no rope rock climbing, can you talk to him about what it is about it that he keeps going back to and is there a way to keep doing it and being involved in the community but in a safer way? Has he spoken about why he keeps doing it despite his experiences?

Also I would suggest him getting help for his NDE as that trauma can present in very difficult ways eg repeating the behaviour or becoming fixated. Could he go for rapid eye movement therapy?

Is it parkour and he's getting too old for it.

If it's something like motorcycles for me personally I'd be telling him it's me or the bike and I'd mean it.
Your health is important for you, but also your family. When you marry your spouse and children become a responsibility. You have a responsibility not to emdanger yourself.

You are accountable to them and should act for the benefit of the unit vs doing whatever you fancy.

On top of that...In my marriage feckless choices resulting in negative financial impact of the unit are frowned upon on both sides. (Neither of us would EVER come home and say "hi honey, i've quit with no job to go to" for example)

I think once you have children your life changes - you owe them not to make stupid actions which might leave them without a parent.
I absolutely hate stupid risk taking and it would prompt me to reconsider relationship in the most serious way.
I wonder if your DP is bored because his life is too easy. He probably needs to focus on your kids more and direct all his energy on them. Or take up an extra job, or start a renovation project, or volunteering.
Being stupidly reckless doesn’t equal brave.

I thought that

He needs to buy a hefty life insurance policy if he is a thrill seeker who's on his 2nd near death experience from whatever he's doing.

Did you want advice? No snark intended, just not sure what the thread is for.

Just tell him to stop shopping and Lidl and try Waitrose.

There is so little info here I'm not sure of what the point in posting is?
He could be licking the back of stamps up to 500 a day and ingesting too much glue or could be pinning his foreskin to an outline of the Eiffel Tower on a cork board while white water rafting. Which is it OP?

I read this as parkrun! 😳🤣

What on earth is he doing?

So he's been deliberately putting himself at higher risk of death when he has children and a wife and injured himself enough to not work this week?
I'd be talking divorce, you shouldn't have to put up with this, what if he doesn't kill himself but ends up needing life long care, could you do it with the resentment?

I’d be more concerned about him ending up disabled or having a brain injury and having to care for him
may sound harsh but there’s a world of difference between someone needing care due to illness and someone needing care due to there own actions

Well, what is he doing?

Racing the TT has a very different set of risks to playing 5 aside footie once a week.

Is it coke?

I think this is really sensible advice. I assume from what you've said it's some kind of very dangerous hobby - is it typical for people doing this hobby to have this many near misses or is he just bad at it/running excessive risks on top of an already dangerous thing? Either way like the PP said he must be getting something from this, whether it's the sense of community or the adrenaline or some unresolved trauma, it may even be that the more you 'nag' at him to stop the more that's feeding into his own narrative that's basing his self-worth or identity on this conflict/ identity as a whatever.... He maybe needs some kind of professional help. That being said I think you'd absolutely be within your rights to say you won't continue in this relationship if he doesn't stop. It's not fair on you to have to live like this. But I just wonder if he stops under duress from you as it were without really resolving why he wants to do something so dangerous in this first place he'll just replace this activity with something else that hits the same spot, and it could end up being something even more destructive?

I guess all you can do is ramp up his life insurance.

Incredibly selfish given he has a wife and kids! As a pp has said, what if he ends up bed bound brain damaged with you caring for him due to risk taking. Sod that!! I’d be livid.

What is he doing? I do an extreme sport, a lot of people do. You’ve made a throwaway account so just day what it is. You want impartial comments and advice/a place to vent so just say what it actually is and then we can talk you down or agree that he is an utter moron for the way he is doing whatever it is.

That was my guess too, or playing fast and loose with a condition like T1 diabetes.

I guess I’m here as I should be a widow and I’m dealing with a lot of emotions that come with that. I feel anger, disappointment, thankful ‘I knew this would fucking happen’, ‘how on earth did he survive it again’.

It’s not an extreme hobby, I didn’t marry a man who trekked up mountains and this is part of the parcel of marrying an adrenaline junky. But again, I’m not here asking ‘is DH responsible for his NDE as in my eyes HE IS’.