DH near death experience but down to his own stupidity.

[breakdown98765]

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

Surely it can’t be that outing to give more details as it is very difficult to comment. If he is doing diy and is unqualified or downright careless enough to put his life at risk then yes he is an idiot to continue. He could either injure himself or kill himself so irresponsible. If he is so stubborn he will do it anyway it is pretty pointless asking a bunch of people on Mumsnet.

He’s taking unnecessary risks so I’d be furious too. Messing with electricity is a mug’s game.

I’m sorry my posts aren’t entertaining enough for your Monday night.

I deliberately posted in relationships verses AIBU as I’m not wanting random members of the public to judge if they think he’s at blame. I started this post for support for ME. As a wife and mother. Going through lots of different emotions. A constant headache since it happened.

This isn’t just aimed at you, but please all consider this isn’t a post that I was aiming to lighten up your evenings or drip feed enough clues to give a round of applause to the person who guesses correctly.

To those who want to judge if it really was a NDE experience or whatever AI says surviving these types of situations twice is remarkable. As I’ve been told by emergency services they were expecting to find a fatality at the scene. Calling half my contacts list as I needed a lift to hospital/someone to watch the kids. People waiting by the phone expecting the news that he had died.

I’d guess he gets really really drunk and starts cooking Crêpe Suzette and keeps setting himself on fire.

Joking aside (if that’s not the right answer) I totally understand why you’re freaking out. Is there no way of getting across to him that he’s endangering his life? Does he truly not see what he’s doing to contribute? How injured is he?

Do you think he gets it now?

If your husband has been doing DIY and not being safe an careful then he is being a twat.

It's still not a Near Death Experience, because a Near Death Experience is a psychological phenomenon someone experiences sometimes during great trauma. He nearly killed himself - just say that and it avoids confusion.

However, it's still not clear what you want anyone to say. If you just want support for yourself because your husband nearly died, then whether he was stupid or not doesn't come into it. You seem to want people to say your husband is an idiot, rather than just say it was terrible for you, and without knowing what he did, nobody can.

Sorry you are going through this rn. It really sounds like your DH should be giving up whatever it is he’s been doing and find a different pastime. As to managing it going forward- yes, if he wants to continue regardless, then I would insist that he gets life and critical injury insurance (and pays for that himself); possibly income protection; and if I didn’t want to keep going through the experience of that phone call, bracing for terrible news etc then I would think hard, and get proper legal advice, about separating.

@breakdown98765 It is hard to give support without knowing the details though - which is why people are going off on tangents about whether its really a NDE or whatever, or just waffling.

I think I’m going to step away from this thread. Apart from a couple of posters who have actually been compassionate/offered advice the rest of you I think have been disgusting.

Sure, maybe my post does make sense but maybe that’s due to my four day migraine due to stress.

I’m a mother and wife, posting here after stating my husband statistically should be dead some of you will probably say oh does that mean there’s a 49% chance he should be alive then. But all you care about is ‘judging‘ whether he is really at fault, what he’s been up to or whether or not I got the terminology right on near death experience.

It’s a miracle that he’s had these two incidents and his wounds will be healed in a few months. Everyone we’ve had to explain what’s happened has been followed by biggest silence I’ve ever heard. Nobody can believe he’s going to be ok.

Well the fact is that none of us have got a clue what you are talking about OP. I have Ted each post twice trying to understand what you mean.

By NDE, I understand it as a light at the end of a tunnel, floating out of body and meeting God experience. Do you just mean that he nearly died?

If you don’t tell us what he is actually doing to nearly kill himself at least twice, it is difficult to know how to comment.

@breakdown98765 apologies. I don't think your OP was really very clear and your attempt to be vague isn't helping. I'm sorry your DH is prepared to take risks. It wouldn't be ok for me.

Parkour!

Does he have capacity? Multiple severe injuries requiring resuscitation can cause cognitive impairment. There's also the possibility of TBIs.

But start working on the life insurance and if you have long term disability there get that or your equivalent. Find a good pediatric mental health care provider for the kids in case.

We have a saying here. You can't fix stupid.

Bullfighting under the influence of cocaine?

Is it some kind of extreme motorbike riding? Plenty of safe riders on the road but he's taking it too far and putting himself in danger?

In any case, sending you love OP. It's not fair of him to put you through whatever you're going through once, let alone twice.

OP I'm sorry you're not finding this helpful, but it's so vague that it's hard for people to really offer anything constructive.
Is he just really clumsy with DIY?

Just say what it is.

So what did you want? Just people to say it must be awful for you?

I'll reiterate what I said up thread op
If he's cut corners on safety it's likely he's cut corners to get a job done or worse a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
If he's been buggering about with electrics get them checked by a professional.

Sometimes men think they're invisible. I hope for you families sake this has been a wake up call for him. Must be really stressful for you.

My nephew crashed his car taking a corner to fast walked away with a scratch, a week later same corner next person wasn't so lucky..

Everyone we’ve had to explain what’s happened has been followed by biggest silence I’ve ever heard. Nobody can believe he’s going to be ok.

It sounds like you HAVE explained the circumstances to those people though. Which is the opposite of the vagueness on here. Unfortunately, no-one can advise or even appropriate sympathise without having a better idea of what has happened.

"I’m a mother and wife, posting here after stating my husband statistically should be dead"

You said he was trembling like a leaf in the corner earlier so he wasn't dead. Was he transported and then in critical care and released?

Statistics don't mean squat in individual cases. Your vagueness has been so vague as to be unable to respond other than trying to get a bit more info.

If you'd said something like my husband did x and was in ICU critical for two days and now is out of work for a month, that's understandable and people can respond to it. The info you gave was indefinite and not really graspable.

Does it profoundly impact on your answer:
it’s something that when done using the correct safety precautions is quite safe, and when done without the correct precautions can be lethal. He’s nearly managed to kill himself twice. What two activities give you different answers?

OP, if you want others to help you, you need to clearly explain the problem.

Vague posts saying nothing only lead to confusion and frustration.