Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH near death experience but down to his own stupidity.

273 replies

breakdown98765 · 05/05/2025 17:30

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

OP posts:
2JFDIYOLO · 06/05/2025 00:35

Did he go on the roof in a suit of armour in a thunderstorm? That level of stupid?

Sort of '14 year old boy undeveloped pre frontal cortex and zero sense of self preservation and consequences' stupid?

I'm sorry you're going through this and having to cope with him, your fears, your children.

All best for his recovery.

Then whatever it was, damn serious conversations about him growing up. And I'd be requiring him to seek psychiatric evaluation as a condition of this marriage continuing.

Do you have a life insurance policy for him? This is seriously meant - if something happens because he refuses to change his ways, your family may need it.

Velmy · 06/05/2025 00:48

breakdown98765 · 05/05/2025 17:30

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

Has he joined Fight Club?

You know what the first rule is, right?

LBFseBrom · 06/05/2025 01:15

I understand now, he has been electrocuted twice during his DIY efforts. He is fortunate to survive, presumably had cardiac arrest and was resuscitated. By now he should have learned his lesson, op.

Did he describe his NDEs, what did he see? I've not known anyone who has had one, only read about them and not sure they are more than lucid dreams which happen when the heart stops but it is interesting. However don't share if you don't want to, it is a very personal experience.

I hope he is more careful in future.

IndigoBluey · 06/05/2025 01:31

Sounds selfish to me. My BIL had a terrible ski accident aged 30, massive brain bleed and injury and sadly 24 hour care, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on or who anyone is. Cost is 5k per month and will only get worse

IndigoBluey · 06/05/2025 01:37

I am intrigued though, what NDE is statically less fatal in the early twenties age group versus having a wife a kids? I cannot correlate the risk between the two groups, as surely if it is a NDE activity, it’s just that ?

DreamTheMoors · 06/05/2025 02:00

EastGrinstead · 05/05/2025 20:28

OP, if you want others to help you, you need to clearly explain the problem.

Vague posts saying nothing only lead to confusion and frustration.

Edited

@breakdown98765
Nobody can help you if we don’t know what you’re talking about.
People aren’t being unkind. They’re simply confused. I’m confused too.
Nobody is suddenly going to say “oh that’s Betty Simpson - she’s talking about her husband” if you just give us a little bit more context so we can help you.
I’m in California for goodness sakes. I don’t know a single soul in the UK.

falalalalaaaaaaaa · 06/05/2025 02:38

Just wanted to say that I’m really sorry this has happened, @breakdown98765. Sending you a huge hug, and hope this has been enough to show him that he needs to take better care of himself, for all of you Flowers

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 06/05/2025 02:52

AthWat · 05/05/2025 20:14

So what did you want? Just people to say it must be awful for you?

Perhaps she just would like an ounce of compassion and a smidgen of understanding about a mate who seems to not understand "acceptable risk" when you are a husband and father.

But, this is Mumsnet and such comments are very, very rare, as is proven here multifold. Hen's teeth are everywhere in comparison.

Octocat · 06/05/2025 03:15

I think my response would depend on whether he is actively seeking out tihis activity (you refer to him as an adrenaline junkie so I’m presuming so) or whether he is exposed to danger through incompetence.
If it’s the former, this has happened twice now, I think I’d be ending the relationship. I couldn’t square the desire for risk over my and DC’s happiness.

Lougle · 06/05/2025 04:24

If it's what I think it is, I can definitely see why you're upset @breakdown98765 it was a huge near miss.

Tonkie18 · 06/05/2025 05:12

All I can say is ‘fool me once..’

If you stay with this man who is being reckless with his own life, then you have to put up with the consequences. I don’t think you’re going to get the attention or coddling that you wanted here. Maybe now is the time to make your exit from this exhausting situation. He’s clearly not going to change so maybe removing yourself and your kids from the situation will be best for you all.

NotsosunnyShropshire · 06/05/2025 05:18

Was he racing motorbikes in Cheshire? There was a huge crash and 2 fatalities.

Tonkie18 · 06/05/2025 05:22

And what about the people who treat him after these disasters. Is it the NHS? I’m sure they’re happy with their limited resources being used because of his own stupidity. Hopefully someone has put him in his place in the hospital and hasn’t just been receiving sympathy!

After the first time, when he continued to do these behaviours why would you stay/not give him an ultimatum?

It’s irritating when people are in a rubbish situation but do nothing to change it and expect empathy.

Good luck with Evil Knievel.

Retronight25 · 06/05/2025 06:10

I think this is more serious than some people are realising. Emergency services have attended expecting to find a dead body and this is the second time. The op must be beside herself with worry. It's so bad that he now can't work for a couple of months. I'm imagining him doing something ridiculously dangerous with a chainsaw for example.

Clarinet1 · 06/05/2025 06:22

It’s all very well to say “End the relationship” but this person is still the DC’s other parent putting his life/health at risk!

HariboFan5367 · 06/05/2025 06:54

It's a bit like Cluedo. I'm guessing it's the DH and the activity is dangerous and poorly-executed DIY work, possibly involving electrical equipment outdoors, in wet or unsafe conditions

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/05/2025 07:01

OP, I don't think people are trying to be nosey as such, and it sounds like you've had a really hard time. It's just a bit harder to give honest support and advice when we don't know what we was doing.
I can relate to an extent with the worry as my DH is a biker. I knew it when I married him so I know how much his motorbike means to him. I don't ever want him going out in heavy rain, snow, ice etc because its just too dangerous so if he was doing that all the time I'd get really annoyed too.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 06/05/2025 07:27

Schrödinger's OP.

AthWat · 06/05/2025 07:47

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 06/05/2025 02:52

Perhaps she just would like an ounce of compassion and a smidgen of understanding about a mate who seems to not understand "acceptable risk" when you are a husband and father.

But, this is Mumsnet and such comments are very, very rare, as is proven here multifold. Hen's teeth are everywhere in comparison.

It is hard for me to get why someone would come here, say something incredibly vague like "my husband has done awful things and is a dick", and expect strangers to just say "Poor you, he must be a dick". I honestly don't see what the value is in it for them. It doesn't validate them, as the people saying it have no idea whether they are correct or not. They are not offering "understanding" as they don't understand.

merrymelody · 06/05/2025 07:54

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2025 18:00

So he's been deliberately putting himself at higher risk of death when he has children and a wife and injured himself enough to not work this week?
I'd be talking divorce, you shouldn't have to put up with this, what if he doesn't kill himself but ends up needing life long care, could you do it with the resentment?

What @TomatoSandwiches said

Grammarnut · 06/05/2025 09:06

AthWat · 05/05/2025 23:08

That's not what it was. It was "along the lines" of that.

I mean, if it was that, could be repairing the fence, or mending a roof, or all sorts of useful worthwhile jobs.

Why doesn't OP say what it was? No way to offer any advice without knowing. Pointless, in fact.

AthWat · 06/05/2025 09:09

Grammarnut · 06/05/2025 09:06

Why doesn't OP say what it was? No way to offer any advice without knowing. Pointless, in fact.

I don't know why they won't say.

GripGetter · 06/05/2025 09:17

HariboFan5367 · 06/05/2025 06:54

It's a bit like Cluedo. I'm guessing it's the DH and the activity is dangerous and poorly-executed DIY work, possibly involving electrical equipment outdoors, in wet or unsafe conditions

I'm guessing it's the DH

No shit Sherlock - it's the first word of the OP.

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 06/05/2025 09:36

Men and their egos. Sigh.

rockstarshoes · 06/05/2025 09:38

@breakdown98765 I think I know where you’re coming from!
my DH impaled himself on a metal fence last year! Basically ripped out his whole armpit, ended up in Resus to check he hadn’t done any serious damage, CT scan the works, took over an hour to stitch him back together!

I was terrified & more so after the event when I thought about how lucky he was & what could have happened!

I had said to him wait 10 mins & I’ll come & hold the ladder - obviously he didn’t - I have not mentioned this once because I know he knows! He should have just waited & he knows he should!

my DH is now avoiding ladders, is there any acknowledgement from your DH that he was careless, stupid? I think I would struggle if my DH wasn’t very contrite!