DH near death experience but down to his own stupidity.

[breakdown98765]

I’m using a throw away account just in case this becomes outing. I am trying to keep it vague as I need to rant/support and do not want the world putting two-and-two together and thinking I’m a heartless wife while my husband shakes like a leaf in the corner. I’m writing this on relationships and not on AIBU to try to stop the crowd trying to unpick our anonymity.

I was hoping last year would be the wake up call he needed to change his lifestyle. It’s nothing illegal, nor morally wrong, just idiotic at best. I’d say he increases his chances of these NDE by at least 70% by part taking. Something you can get away with when you’re in your early twenties but not when you’ve got a wife, kids and getting older.

The night before the second NDE I had a go at him/‘what are you doing.. this is stupid’. I’ve been a lot more vocal since the first NDE with him being idiotic, so much so his called me a nag/acting like his mother. I’ve wrote on mumsnet before, there’s been an unanimous ‘yep he’s stressed but he needs another outlet/become a real grown up etc’. He’s been in delusion that his choices did not correlate with NDE but there can be absolute no argument with two NDE that this is not a fluke. I guess he thought I was being a nag because I was wrong. Everyone in my immediate circle called it as soon as they heard. His side not so much as they don’t know what he’s doing to contribute to it. It’s basically like he’s saying he’s fell down the stairs but missed out the part of him doing it on stilts. While delusional he’s evidently embarrassed and knows he’ll be judged.

Fortunately he’s got no life altering injuries but now isn't the time for me to be having it out with him. I’ve not been able to eat since it happened. He’s extremely apologetic, again, and beating himself up.

He’s also going to miss out on earning too screwing us financially too. Also another thing we can’t prioritise right now.

Not helpful maybe but a Near Death Experience is the old floating up to the ceiling and seeing yourself and a light at the end of a tunnerl sort of stuff; not doing something that might kill you.

You're asking whether someone we don't know is responsible for something that happened that you've given us no details of? Hard for us to say.

Er, “Like DIY?” What, as if he was trying to build a shed with a blowtorch and some dynamite? I think you ought to just say it.

Anyway, it sounds like he’s just stupid af then. My dad’s favourite piece of advice to anyone, man or woman, is “Don’t marry stupid.” It may be too late to avoid that, but it’s never too late to rectify it.

Is it something he's done through lack of intelligence or serious forethought?
Or is he aware of what could go wrong and disregards it as 'I'm too smart to make a mistake like that'?
Were you present at the time of either of these events occurring, could you have done anything to stop him?
My husband comes up with some stupid solutions to things, and I've actually learnt to put it down to his very simple mindedness, he just doesnt think things through or see the dangers, so I don't know how much you can really 'blame' a person in that case...learning the hard way I suppose...

That was an analogy.

Where has she said? I only see her saying what he doesn't do.

Ironing in the bathroom?

This is really frustrating to read because it is so vague. It could be anything from installing lightning rods on roofs during thunderstorms to cleaning high-rise windows without safety equipment. Why not just state what the activity is, you can always ask to have the post removed later.

So, is he doing a pretty normal activity but he just has no clue how to actually do it so creates very dangerous situations @breakdown98765 ? Someone else could do it and be perfectly fine because they know what they’re doing or are a sensible person, but he doesn’t know what he is doing/is doing it dangerously because he doesn’t want to learn properly and thinks he knows better? But otherwise, it would actually be a normal or safe thing?

How can anyone comment unless you say what he’s doing?!

No, that's an Out of Body Experience. (I was plagued by them in my 20s.)

It is so weird that people are insistent on know what specifically it is.

OP, unfortunately there are some people who have a pathological need to “push it” right to the fucking edge, ostensibly for a hobby/light relief but really it is to put you back in your place so that you know he will never submit to you.

He doesn’t care about you or the kids deep down. He couldn’t give a shit whether he lives or dies doing his hobby, as long as he isn’t left disabled.
The only way he might stop, is to say in front of him and his friends in the most bored tone you can manage “he’d happily leave the kids with no father to prove to himself he’s not being what Americans call ‘pussy whipped’. It’s fucking pathetic really, and it’s surprised me how much respect I’ve lost for him seeing how little he cares what he’s putting the kids through. Anyway, it’s given me the wake up call I needed. What a shame.”

DIY? What - was he Rod Hull trying to fix the TV aerial on the roof with Emu?

I need to know what it is he’s doing OP😭

Well I’m presuming it’s not drugs you said not illegal -

Is he picking up men in bars?

If you are really nervous every day is a NDE, if you misjudged the traffic lights you could die, if you mess around with the electrics with wet hands or if you think that 6 paracetemol at a time will help your headache better ...

Is he really doing something dangerous or are you just nervous? My one time next door neighbour was furious with her husband for playing five a side. He broke his leg and because of the job he did couldn't work for a while.

It doesn’t really matter if he’s doing an objectively dangerous activity, or a safe activity but is so stupid/careless that it’s dangerous for him.

If he loved you and the family he would stop.

You're right on that actually, but when associated with near death it can also be a near death experience - a near death experience does require more than just coming at risk of dying though, it's "a profound personal experience associated with death or impending death, which researchers describe as having similar characteristics. When positive, which the great majority are, such experiences may encompass a variety of sensations including detachment from the body, feelings of levitation, total serenity, security, warmth, joy, the experience of absolute dissolution, review of major life events, the presence of a light, and seeing dead relatives. "
I don't think the OP is upset with him for having one of these but would be fine if he'd just nearly killed himself but not had any of these feelings.

I'm guessing bad diy electrics but roof work a close second. He's had a minor electric shock and only the system shorting saved him.

I both a friend of mine and DH have had near misses doing electrics. One was putting up a picture and nailed through a hidden wire. DH was just an idiot and forgot to switch the power off before fixing a socket. Luckily the screwdriver had a plastic handle.

Same DH has also insisted he needed to check on our chimney and the 'only' way to do this was to climb out of our bedroom velux onto a pitched roof and scramble up to the flat roof of the dorma. Going up was fine but it was awkward trying get back in and he came close to dropping 3 stories onto the paved driveway. I had insisted he tie himself to something (tow rope to the bed) and he sheepishly admitted maybe I was right afterwards.

We got life insurance out after both these things happening.

So has he actually nearly died, or is he just putting himself in dangerous situations and scaring himself shitless? This is the most confusing post ever!

Because you can't say whether it's his fault without knowing what it is. Her example of doing DIY with three extension cords in the rain is hardly someone indulging themselves, just someone being a bit of a dick while trying to do something useful.

Wtf are you even talking about? Just say what it is he keeps doing or no one can comment on it.

I reckon he’s into sculpting tree logs into squirrels/owls using a chainsaw and he’s too gung ho and has almost chopped a limb off or chainsawed through his abdomen or something.

anyway whatever he’s into, he doesn’t appear to be very good at it if he almost kills himself on a regular basis so surely the answer is to stop doing whatever this mystery activity is! Failing that yes make sure he has a decent life insurance policy.

Nah, still too vague.

Don’t know why you have to be so secretive about it all because there’s nothing anyone can really say without knowing what it is.