He opened my phone and read all my messages

[DarkFate]

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly.

Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes.

There has never been any suspicion about any cheating.

So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up.

I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up.

I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on.

Am I overreacting?

No. Bin him off. Jealous manipulative and disrespectful of your boundaries and privacy.
Red flags to the moon and back

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dump him

You are under reacting! It's been four months long as a relationship and he is telling you EXACTLY how he will be behaving going forward.

Why do you think k you’re overreacting? Has he told you that you are?

No, you aren't over reacting! He has shown his true colours, and if he's doing that this early in the relationship, just imagine how much more controlling he will get if it carries on. Run!

I don't understand why you are even asking the question.
Get rid before he starts to control every aspect of your life.
You aren't even divorced yet. Let you and your children breath - have some respite from a relationship

This is a huge red flag. You’re only four months in and he’s already violating your privacy and interrogating you. He won’t improve, he’ll get worse the more of a foothold you allow him to have in your life.

Snooping for me is a red line and I don't tolerate it.

Get rid!! 4 months aswell, not that it matters but it's so early on. Leave while you can this will escalate

Thanks everyone… yes, when I said he shouldn’t have snooped in the first place he says yes, I know that but when I ask you questions about stuff what you say doesn’t really fit together. I’m just not obsessed with dwelling on the past. I’m 41 I can’t remember everything that has happened to me. And he seems obsessed with interrogating me about everything and says I’m not being open.

I have started picking up other controlling things from him too that don’t really sit right with me…

I’ll end it.

Why do so many people share their access details to people they barely know?
Change to fingerprint and a new pin and bin him off.

I didn’t… I had Face ID or passcode and he had seen my passcode over my shoulder in bed.

Well done on getting rid.

Absolutely not over reacting.
In fact you are under reacting if you ha e t kicked his sorry ass to the kerb by now.
How bloody dare he!!!
Get your dignity back, strengthen your boundaries and tell the nosy parker to go!

You're definitely right to end it. Appalling violation of your privacy.

That’s just creepy.

Very, very, frightening! Definitely end it. You are lucky he showed his stripes so early. This is crazily abusive—interrogating you? In 35 years my dh has never “interrogated “ me—not in 5 years of dating and not in 30 years of marriage. Suspicion and aggression like this have no place in a relationship.

Total red flag.. its been 4 months. It will only get worse

then in future be more careful - trying to see your passcode is a huge red flag for me. I would have booted him out if i'd noticed him doing that to me.

ETA: echo the others. I've been married for 40 years, my DH never ever questions me about my past relationships etc, especially not trying to catch me out. We know each others pass codes - neither of us has ever, unrequested, goine into the other's phone for any reason And if we have (eg, using spotify in the car) we only do the one thing asked, then lock the phone again.

No you are not overeacting. End it now and be wary he could become a stalker
Bang out of line. And worse will come the longer you stay with him.
BIG RED FLAG.

Yes… he will ask me about past experiences and I’ll answer. Bearing in mind I was with my husband for 15 years I can barely remember my early 20’s or all the minor details… and then he’ll start a discussion later and say what I say doesn’t match up. Then say I’m just not used to people holding me to account and blame it on his ASD… he claims as he wants to know what someone is all about etc!

You only been togther 4 months and in this time you’ve

• split up
• it’s been intense
• he has read your phone messages
• interrogated you

You need to set your bar higher.

I know… I just guess I didn’t expect someone to do this and violate my trust and respect! I’ve changed passcodes and put Face ID on my WhatsApp even if my phone is open.

So if I ever do start dating again in a few years it can’t happen again.

This is what is bad… generally he has been good to me but objectively I can see this is how it starts…

Been together 25 odd years never read my husband phone. I have access to his phone and code anytime but still wouldn’t. Even when we had marriage counselling about 17 years ago due to a bump in our relationship! Its never crossed my mind. He also could if he wanted read my phone too but I don’t think he has.