Page 6 | He opened my phone and read all my messages

DarkFate · 2025-05-05T09:35:39+00:00

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly. Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes. There has never been any suspicion about any cheating. So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up. I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up. I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility. I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on. Am I overreacting?

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 05/05/2025 23:53

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 21:45

That was one of his early questions how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated and a huge fuss was made. When I said I don’t know why it matters so much it was again done under the guise of “I need to know your attitude towards stuff”

Well you know for future that if someone makes a huge fuss about your past sexual history - Just bin 'em. They have issues. No, they have ISSUES.

Newstarters · 05/05/2025 23:56

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 05/05/2025 10:39

I don't understand why you are even asking the question.
Get rid before he starts to control every aspect of your life.
You aren't even divorced yet. Let you and your children breath - have some respite from a relationship

This. You’re not even divorced yet and you’re jumping into another unhealthy relationship.

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/05/2025 00:12

@DarkFate he is going to be an abuser (already is ) he wants to know all that stuff so he can use against you that your NOT perfect .
He will do this when he is trying to justify bad behaviour from him .
Be very careful . I’d end this !

Anyonefoundmysparesock · 06/05/2025 00:21

OP his entitlement to you and wanting to know everything about you is so that he knows how to bend you to his will in the future. He will get worse. I know men like this have olympic ability to blame shift. Look up DARVO.

And dont let him talk you into believing this is all you and your fault. Because he will do that, guaranteed he is a good headworker. This is not a man you want around your kids, and he is not a man you want around period. Dont let your fear of being lonely drive you into arms of danger.

2JFDIYOLO · 06/05/2025 00:58

Four months in and it's started???

This is a forecast, a taster for how very much worse it's going to get.

Elements of your past noted and pored over then questioned and interrogated and picked apart and minutely examined with demands for explanations over and over again because you're being 'called to account' ...

To account for what, though? Are you a criminal under interrogation??

You say / he says it's his ASD. I say it's paranoia, jealous, controlling abusive behaviour just tuning up now for escalating performances for years and years and years to come.

There are women here who've bourne this shit for years.

You've been with him a matter of months.

Listen to their warnings. They were you once.

ItGhoul · 06/05/2025 01:02

Jesus H tapdancing Christ.

I can’t believe you’re even having to ask if you’re overreacting. OF COURSE it’s not remotely OK for your boyfriend to go through your private messages. Not now, not ever. How fucking dare he?

It’s only been 16 weeks and he’s already behaving like a complete psycho. Get rid of him NOW.

The ‘it’s all been quite intense’ suggests love-bombing to me. Common among abusive/controlling men.

ItGhoul · 06/05/2025 01:03

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 21:45

That was one of his early questions how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated and a huge fuss was made. When I said I don’t know why it matters so much it was again done under the guise of “I need to know your attitude towards stuff”

That was also a massive red flag. He’s an absolute danger.

coxesorangepippin · 06/05/2025 01:14

Get rid

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 06/05/2025 01:16

He wants to hold you to account? Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

healthybychristmas · 06/05/2025 06:10

He says he's completely open but he hasn't told you that he's read his previous girlfriends' phones has he? He hasn't told you that that has led to problems within their relationships. He hasn't told you that he's been controlling and jealous with other girls.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/05/2025 06:53

This gets worse with every post Op. He's not a man who needs to be around you, let alone your DC. Get away from him, he's not capable of a normal relationship because that involves trust, not endless questions

Original poster

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 09:05

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate your support. I confess I have snooped before - not with him, he keeps his phone under lock and key but in past relationships when I was mature so I guess I wasn’t putting it into the correct context but I see it for what it is now.

OP posts:

Original poster

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 09:22

Sorry should have said “immature”

OP posts:

Smokesandeats · 06/05/2025 10:01

Have you ended the relationship yet?

I would recommend that you stay single for a year, so that you have time to process everything you have been through.

Original poster

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 10:03

Smokesandeats · 06/05/2025 10:01

Have you ended the relationship yet?

I would recommend that you stay single for a year, so that you have time to process everything you have been through.

I told him to leave yesterday morning and he did. He messaged at 10.30am yesterday when he got home and said “home safe” I’ve not messaged back nor him to me so I’m just going to leave it as ended unless he messages again. Then send one clear, direct text and follow the advice here.

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Profhilodisaster · 06/05/2025 11:14

@DarkFate well done for ending it . I cannot emphasise enough how dangerous these types of men can be . Thank goodness you're out of it .

Epidote · 06/05/2025 11:18

Well rid

bigboykitty · 06/05/2025 11:25

Well done. I had to laugh at 'he keeps his phone under lock and key'. He's a cheater as well as the rest - that's why he's paranoid. You dodged a bullet here.

Thelnebriati · 06/05/2025 11:39

IDK if this will help you for the future, but this is a list of red flags I can see;

''he presented with some vulnerabilities.'' (Makes you feel he is not a threat.)
''It has been intense.'' (a false feeling that you two are bonded strongly.)
''we have spent a lot of time together quickly.'' (You don't have time to get to know him, or think about your decisions.)

''he didn’t believe me when I said I had other priorities at the moment and he said I should file etc and basically bullied me into doing it.''
''how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated''
Both red flags for possessiveness.

''he seems obsessed with interrogating me about everything and says I’m not being open.''
''he just insists I’m not open and I’m just not used to being “called out” or held to account for anything''
''I don’t tell the truth or say something completely different''
Red flags for controlling behaviour, making you feel like you are accountable to his demands.

''he just wants to know everything about me''
''he had seen my passcode over my shoulder in bed''
Red flags for spying; you should check your personal documents and info are all locked away, change your passwords, change the router password etc.
https://womensaidarmaghdown.org/digital-safety/

He was grooming you into an abusive relationship (one where one person has all the power and control over the other). Consider taking The Freedom Programme;
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Digital safety - Women's Aid

Digital abuse is the use of technology and online platforms to harass, bully, intimidate or stalk a current or ex partner.

https://womensaidarmaghdown.org/digital-safety/

Original poster

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 12:03

Thelnebriati · 06/05/2025 11:39

IDK if this will help you for the future, but this is a list of red flags I can see;

''he presented with some vulnerabilities.'' (Makes you feel he is not a threat.)
''It has been intense.'' (a false feeling that you two are bonded strongly.)
''we have spent a lot of time together quickly.'' (You don't have time to get to know him, or think about your decisions.)

''he didn’t believe me when I said I had other priorities at the moment and he said I should file etc and basically bullied me into doing it.''
''how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated''
Both red flags for possessiveness.

''he seems obsessed with interrogating me about everything and says I’m not being open.''
''he just insists I’m not open and I’m just not used to being “called out” or held to account for anything''
''I don’t tell the truth or say something completely different''
Red flags for controlling behaviour, making you feel like you are accountable to his demands.

''he just wants to know everything about me''
''he had seen my passcode over my shoulder in bed''
Red flags for spying; you should check your personal documents and info are all locked away, change your passwords, change the router password etc.
https://womensaidarmaghdown.org/digital-safety/

He was grooming you into an abusive relationship (one where one person has all the power and control over the other). Consider taking The Freedom Programme;
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Thanks I do appreciate your concern but I won’t be doing a course. I had doubts before this and can see it now. I was thinking it since the whole divorce thing and this just confirmed it, no more dating for a while.

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pikkumyy77 · 06/05/2025 12:11

I hope this thread serves as an education for anyone reading it. Especially @Thelnebriati ’s excellent roundup of the issues/warning signs.

Original poster

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 17:45

Thanks again everyone. Still radio silence on both sides… I have a feeling this isn’t the last I’ll hear from him. He knows I’m home alone this upcoming weekend.

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Profhilodisaster · 06/05/2025 17:50

I'd block his number, are you expecting him to come to your house? If you haven't already got one I'd install a ring doorbell.

CruCru · 06/05/2025 17:58

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 17:45

Thanks again everyone. Still radio silence on both sides… I have a feeling this isn’t the last I’ll hear from him. He knows I’m home alone this upcoming weekend.

In that case, why not make plans for Friday and Saturday evening with a friend? Go to the cinema or something low key. Don’t sit around with your heart in your stomach.

Snowfalling · 06/05/2025 18:10

DarkFate · 06/05/2025 17:45

Thanks again everyone. Still radio silence on both sides… I have a feeling this isn’t the last I’ll hear from him. He knows I’m home alone this upcoming weekend.

I would actually send a message clearly ending things so you're not in this horrible limbo of waiting to see whether he will get in contact.

Just a simple, 'Hi, I'm sure you can understand that our relationship is over, please don't contact me again, thanks.' then you can choose to block and make plans for the weekend. Take control and end things so he's under no illusions that he can charm you back. He's probably waiting for you to 'calm down' so he can hoover you back in.