He opened my phone and read all my messages

[DarkFate]

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly.

Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes.

There has never been any suspicion about any cheating.

So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up.

I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up.

I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on.

Am I overreacting?

No. After my ex- husband moved out there were a few occasions when felt lonely and needy and invited him round and we did sleep together. I recognised this was toxic for me and stopped doing it. No overlap in the slightest…

When he found those messages he said I wasn’t opened and what I said about why we split up didn’t match my behaviour then. I said people are complicated I lived with him for 15 years even though I’d fell out of love with him and felt repulsed I felt lonely and drawn to him and he just insists I’m not open and I’m just not used to being “called out” or held to account for anything why I have a problem with being questioned about it.

Yes, really seen it now.

I was also still technically married as I didn’t have the immediate £600 to spend.. this massively bothered him and he went on and on about it and said he didn’t believe me when I said I had other priorities at the moment and he said I should file etc and basically bullied me into doing it.

Control freak alert, and only 4 months in?!

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This. Reading your private messages is bad enough, interrogating you like that is off the scale! And him dictating to you what you should share about your personal life is just plain wrong. You have only known each other for 4 months. His behaviour is alarming.

Goodness! 4 months and all that drama (caused by him) already?
Red flag central. 🚩
Really worrying he not only saw you put in your passcode to your phone but remembered it. Sounds like that was done on purpose too.
I am so glad you’re binning him off. He sounds horrendous. Things will only get worse, it’s good he’s shown his true colours already. Makes it easier for you to tell him it’s not working out / fuck off or whatever!

Run. Better to extract yourself now as it will most
certainly get worse, especially if he’s managed to reach this point after only 4 months and isn’t able to accept responsibility or show remorse for his actions.

He's controlling it'll get worse. Get rid of him.

Obviously you need to run as fast as you can!
How far back did he need to go in your phone to discover this "incriminating" evidence against you? i.e. was he searching for hours?
Presumably, after charging and convicting you of these "offences", he told you the change in your behaviour that he required, so what did he want to see going forward?

Who on earth does he think he is, snooping in your phone and then ‘holding you to account’?

I’m glad you’ve seen him for the controlling arse he is. Bin him without delay. Do not engage with any attempts to communicate with you. Realise there is no need whatsoever for you to care a jot about what he says.

You shouldn’t need to ask and use this as a lesson. Dont get too involved too quickly.

Apparently he just wants to know everything about me and I never ask him questions about his past and I don’t tell the truth or say something completely different… but apparently I’m just not used to being held to account.

I’m just not used to being “called out” or held to account for anything why I have a problem with being questioned about it.

This bit really made me angry @DarkFate - why should you be held to account by him (or anyone) about things you did in your private life before you got together! You can do whatever you want as long as you don't hurt anyone else. He's not your bloody judge!

He holds some very odd ideas about relationships Op, who thinks they're entitled to hold anyone to account after 4 months? This will be a lucky escape, he wants to own you, that's a massive red flag

This gave me the shivers. My ex did similar but with my old handwritten diaries .He also interrogated me about my past and pulled me up if my answers weren't exactly 'correct'. I didn't see the warning signs , the abuse turned physical. Please dump immediately xx

Well done.

4 months in and he's such a controlling, paranoid arsehole that he goes through your entire message history with your ex then there is no alternative. There are no excuses.

If you don't end it now, next comes the gas lighting, you believing you are wrong and he is right.

You won't regret it. Do it now, he only deserves to be told over text and blocked.

Same here. Been with DH 24 years and we both know each others passcodes to our phones. Not once have I ever accessed his phone to look at anything and he has never done it to me. We have never checked each others emails or Facebook accounts or anything. We trust each other 100% and its never crossed either of our minds to check on each other. Never even been tempted.

Who the living fuck is he to 'call you to account'?

Who the fuck is he, to open your private messages? To watch your password over your shoulder and to go into your phone?

Who is he to judge your relationship with your ex?

Who is he to tell you you have to be completely open?

He makes my skin crawl through the damn computer screen.

It's a very good thing you're ending this.

All completely normal. You loved each other, years of history. It's very hard to simply break off.

Absolutely none of Mr 4 months business!

Don't even engage with him.

Watch the first season of You on Netflix.

Obsessive controlling wanker.

4 months. This is him presenting his best side and he's snuck your phone code and broken into your phone and read everything and then interrogated you like he's in control of you.

He is wildly controlling and his demands are nuts.

More red flags than a May Day parade in Moscow here. Dump immediately and have someone around if possible, he is giving scary vibes.

I'm imagining that he's insecure and therefore likes to be in control. He felt there was more to you and your ex than you were telling him. So he decided to snoop.

You and 4 month guy are definitely not compatible imo

No. Immature, jealous, inappropriate, doesn’t respect your boundaries - and now you know you can’t trust him. What an awful thing to do.

You are not overreacting at all. Please end it with him. This type of behaviour only gets worse. This is not OK on any level. Do not listen to his nonsense trying to turn it round on you. Do not fall for it if he tries to run the "I'm just insecure and don't want to lose you" bullshit either.
This is abusive and controlling and take it from me if you let a man get away with this their behaviour will gradually escalate.
At a base level he has no respect for your privacy as a separate human being. 4 months in and he's trampled all over your boundaries.
Please God end it and never contact him in any way again.

This man that you’ve been seeing for only 26 weeks, bullied you into filing for divorce. You are well rid but you might want to examine how this man had positioned himself so that you excused so many of his controlling behaviours.

OP, it's good that you're ending it.

But...you need to ask yourself why it was this that prompted you to ask other people if you were overreacting when there have been other red flags before this.