He opened my phone and read all my messages

[DarkFate]

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly.

Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes.

There has never been any suspicion about any cheating.

So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up.

I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up.

I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on.

Am I overreacting?

It could be he has been love bombing you, and this is an early sign of his mask slipping.
Red flags: the phone
you getting too intense too fast (4 months!)
obsession with the past - should be in the present/looking to the future

The fact you didn’t immediately tell him to fuck off and end it I’d say you under reacted rather than over

Glad to read your updates that it’s a dealbreaker and it’s over.

You are a frog in a pot of water that is just starting to boil

Get out the pot

This is an abusive man. End it now

People who are abusive are kind at times too other wise none one would stay with them. This is the best the relationship is going to be and if you thought that was good enough then you wouldn’t be asking about it on MN.

I was no spring chicken when I met my dh—I was 30! He was too. Our sexual pasts were private. We disclosed only what we chose and certainly not for the purpose of weaponizing it or having it used against us. Don’t let this man pretend this is normal or fair—it’s horrible treatment.

Thanks - he keeps saying I’m completely open why can’t you be? I say I am I just don’t see why it’s relevant and I’m not obsessed with dwelling on the past.

Don’t let him blame his ASD. That’s a worrying attempt at justification. Good decision to end it. He’s a controlling creep.

Regardless of his honest and open he is and wants you to be, that doesn’t excuse him snooping at your private messages.

Tbh it sounds like he’s masked his controlling ways well so far and this is now showing who he really is.

You don't need to listen to him 'keep saying' a single thing again. Save yourself the inevitable upcoming emotional and possibly physical pain and cut him off immediately.

No that’s totally unacceptable

It’s great he showed his true character so early in your relationship. Easy to walk away.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this is ALL the red flags!!

If he is doing this already, how is he going to be in 1 years time.. 2 years time.. run as fast as your legs will take you.

I think he has given you an early warning , you are not responsible for his feelings of insecurity and if it’s only after 4 months it doesn’t bode well , get out now .

Exactly! This is not an argument or a discussion you need to have. You do not need to explain to him, or convince him, of anything. You also don’t have to agree, even hypothetically, that sauce for the goose is sauce fir the gander. A playboy doesn’t need to tell his ex nun girlfriend all about his past. A divorced woman doesn’t have to prove anything to her current boyfriend.

Urgh! My recent ex did this to me all the time also and it’s so draining! We’d be on holiday somewhere and if I said I’d been there before he’d want to know which BF and just seemed obsessed with knowing irrelevant things and making me try to remember stuff I really didn’t want to! He also lovebombed me initially and mine was very intense also at the start.

Im glad you’re leaving as from experience it doesn’t get better, stuff just escalates.

He’s showing you that he doesn’t trust or respect you , or have boundaries. Not a keeper. Throw him back and move on .

Theres so many red flags here, not just reading your messages

Nope. Put this one back in the sea

Not at all. This is a red flag 🚩. Run. If he does this after 4 months (I have had cheese in the fridge longer!) imagine what it be like after 2, 5, 10 years.

Easy decision - dump him now.

Dump him.

I would do a Clare’s law on him to see if he’s got a history of abusing women and then I’d go full no contact.

Taxi!

Were you still sleeping secretly with your ex when you were with this new guy? Did things overlap romantically? If not either one of those things, he has no right to ask you anything about it

Sometimes it's hard to see these things happening if youre also enjoying the good sides of the relationship. I'm glad you have and glad you're getting rid now before it gets worse