He opened my phone and read all my messages

[DarkFate]

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly.

Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes.

There has never been any suspicion about any cheating.

So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up.

I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up.

I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on.

Am I overreacting?

I agree , you need to be very specific otherwise he will possibly turn up because ''you didn't make it clear ' or 'I thought you were joking/ just in a huff/ taking time out' .

Exactly. Being clear and decisive puts you in control @DarkFate, not him.

And I wouldn't be alone this weekend, can you have friends over or go and have a sleepover at friends'/family's? He might turn up and cause a scene.

Get rid of him, huge red flags 🚩 🚩🚩

Just read your first post.

Fuck me op get this lunatic out of your house. I hope he's not around your kids.

For future reference, 'intense' is pretty much never good. It's the calling card of emotional abusers.

Someone you've been dating 4 months has absolutely no business in your relationship with your ex. And you don't owe anyone information about your past relationships before you even met them.

He's controlling and he's staring to show it.
Run for the hills.

Hrtft but absolutely get rid op. That would be an immediate dump for me. Wouldn't even have a conversation about it especially after only 4 months. That's totally invasive and controlling and paranoid. The fact you pulled him on it and he has not apologised or taken accountability and has just given you excuses is not OK.

Really glad from your posts on the first page that you know to get rid.

Who is he to hold you to account?

Some punk you've been dating a few months doesn't get to judge your life choices before you even met him.

He's not your god.

That's what controllers often do, tell you you need to tell them every little thing, then pick and pick and pick at it. Trying to make you feel you've wronged them. Trapping you in a cycle of prove your honesty/loyalty/goodness. But they're never happy and it's never enough. Because they don't want it to be.

It's a trap.

You've done nothing wrong.

I remember love bombi think you need to be on your guard. Rack your brains make sure he hasn't any access to your home or socials etc. update your passwords.💐

Thanks again everyone for your support.

So much more about what he’s said and done is starting to make sense now.

Sometimes abusers overshare early on in order to get you to overshare in return so they can use that info against you later. The 'im an open book' is designed to make you feel 'they trust me so I can surely trust them'.

He's using it to guilt you into feeling you owe him every little thing you think or do or feel. Which gives him leverage to further manipulate and also ties you into a toxic cycle of feeling guilty for not telling him every little thing. Total brainwashing. But they trick us into it by presenting it as 'just being honest'.

It keeps you too wrapped up in trying to change yourself instead of looking at them.

It also gives them an excuse to be dishonest or underhanded in future and claim you did it first and make you feel you have no right to call them out on their bs.

I think that’s what he was doing… he was trying to say I should have told him about what went on between me and my ex-husband after we split up as he has told me absolutely everything about him. I’ve told him before that I’m not as comfortable sharing stuff and more of a private person but he insisted that nothing I could say could put him off.

He reckons I did it as I “lied” to him about something different. I didn’t lie to him about anything I just didn’t update him that I’d changed my mind about something random!

I can see the manipulation now, and about other things it’s all become clear!

It would be a good idea to make it absolutely clear by text that you're over and that you don't wish to see him again.

You owe him nothing - no explanations, no second chances. Actually the only thing you owe him is a swift kick up the arse.

Yeah it sounds like what he was up to.

The fact that you said there were things you weren't comfortable discussing and he kept tying to push your boundaries is such a huge red flag too. You don't owe anyone private details about your past relationships.

You've had a lucky escape, even though its sad, it's better to find out he's a jackass now than several years down the line when he's broken your spirit too much to leave.

Honestly I'd text dump him and block his number. He's not owed anything more. Don't let him convince you you owe him an in person meet up. Snakes like to get you to do that in order to twist around your brain again.

Fuck that shit.

Have a plan ready for if he tried to turn up and talk you into going back. He'll probably try to make you feel confused or guilty.
Do not get into any conversations. Be clear - 'we are over, you need to leave me alone'' and shut the door.

I suggest it might be an idea to be away this weekend. Visit friends or family. Or go to a B&B if you can afford it, for a break and a head-clearing.