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Original poster

He opened my phone and read all my messages

164 replies

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 10:35

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly.

Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes.

There has never been any suspicion about any cheating.

So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up.

I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up.

I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Hamabeed · 05/05/2025 19:27

I had one like this. It started just like this (well it was my laptop not my phone but same thing in effect). It was the start of years of coercive control. Please get him out of yours and DC life now.

Profhilodisaster · 05/05/2025 20:20

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 05/05/2025 19:20

There's nothing wrong with wanting to know you better by learning about your past. But if you say you don't remember, the caring respectful person takes you at your word and accepts and trusts what you say. They don't sneakily find out your telephone passcode and read all your nessages

Hes a twat

Show quote history

I am always very suspicious of anyone asking about past relationships unless the subject is mentioned by that person. Ask about past travel, childhood memories, previous jobs but past relationships is dodgy territory.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 05/05/2025 20:35

Profhilodisaster · 05/05/2025 20:20

I am always very suspicious of anyone asking about past relationships unless the subject is mentioned by that person. Ask about past travel, childhood memories, previous jobs but past relationships is dodgy territory.

Show quote history

That's interesting. Why do you think it's dodgy territory? I'd have no problem talking briefly about past relationships, although I wouldn't feel it necessary to go into any depth and I'd NEVER criticise an ex. That's a huge red flag for me (when people do that)

Maybe that's the kind of thing you mean when you say dodgy territory?

Actually this has reminded me that whenever I tell a potential date that my ex husband is a lovely man (when asked, of course!) , the date /s can sometimes get quite arsey about it and say " well why aren't you still with him then?"

Naturally another red flag for me 🤣 I have so many !

Profhilodisaster · 05/05/2025 21:05

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 05/05/2025 20:35

That's interesting. Why do you think it's dodgy territory? I'd have no problem talking briefly about past relationships, although I wouldn't feel it necessary to go into any depth and I'd NEVER criticise an ex. That's a huge red flag for me (when people do that)

Maybe that's the kind of thing you mean when you say dodgy territory?

Actually this has reminded me that whenever I tell a potential date that my ex husband is a lovely man (when asked, of course!) , the date /s can sometimes get quite arsey about it and say " well why aren't you still with him then?"

Naturally another red flag for me 🤣 I have so many !

Show quote history

You telling someone about your ex is fine, them asking (for me) rings alarm bells, a man asking how many men you have slept with is an absolute no no , or how many boyfriends you've had. I just can't imagine asking a date what their ex wife was like. Past experience has maybe clouded my view .

bigboykitty · 05/05/2025 21:07

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 05/05/2025 19:20

There's nothing wrong with wanting to know you better by learning about your past. But if you say you don't remember, the caring respectful person takes you at your word and accepts and trusts what you say. They don't sneakily find out your telephone passcode and read all your nessages

Hes a twat

Show quote history

There actually is, if the person has no interest in talking about this. Probing about the specific details of a person's sexual and relationship history is intrusive and shouldn't really be necessary for an actual adult. Broad themes maybe, but this was way beyond that.

VaddaABeetch · 05/05/2025 21:28

He’s not the boss of you. Tell him to get to fuck.

Rosemary61 · 05/05/2025 21:43

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!!!!!
Get rid. It will only get worse.

Original poster
DarkFate · 05/05/2025 21:45

That was one of his early questions how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated and a huge fuss was made. When I said I don’t know why it matters so much it was again done under the guise of “I need to know your attitude towards stuff”

OP posts:
Rosemary61 · 05/05/2025 21:50

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 21:45

That was one of his early questions how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated and a huge fuss was made. When I said I don’t know why it matters so much it was again done under the guise of “I need to know your attitude towards stuff”

He sounds misogynistic and controlling. You are already starting to see little glimmers of abuse. This man will only get worse.

Escapingagain · 05/05/2025 21:56

I married someone like this but he would lie about it and it got worse. Stay well away from him he is trying to control you four months in.

MyPeppyCat · 05/05/2025 21:57

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 11:48

No. After my ex- husband moved out there were a few occasions when felt lonely and needy and invited him round and we did sleep together. I recognised this was toxic for me and stopped doing it. No overlap in the slightest…

When he found those messages he said I wasn’t opened and what I said about why we split up didn’t match my behaviour then. I said people are complicated I lived with him for 15 years even though I’d fell out of love with him and felt repulsed I felt lonely and drawn to him and he just insists I’m not open and I’m just not used to being “called out” or held to account for anything why I have a problem with being questioned about it.

Show quote history

It's really not his place to "hold you to account". That's manipulative BS. The only person who has any right to hold you to account is yourself.

BlondiePortz · 05/05/2025 21:58

So you really think you are overeacting? Seriously?

Mind you on here tracking people is normal and reading peoples messages so it works one way, I think it is disturbed

londongirl12 · 05/05/2025 21:58

Red flags showing so early. This man isn’t going to accept your relationship with your ex DH, if you stay with him you’ll be in for greater grief down the line.

GivingUpFinally · 05/05/2025 22:02

The problem with him was to g to know your "attitude" towards stuff is that it would jave changed several times over the last couple of decades as you've grown and experienced life. What a crock of utter shit, this man seems to put forward as wanting to get to know you better.

It's best to always take people at face value and he's shown you his and it's ugly.

You're doing the right thing by ending it. Try not to let this man hamper any future relationships with his shitty attitude towards women and weird entitlement.

GivingUpFinally · 05/05/2025 22:03

GivingUpFinally · 05/05/2025 22:02

The problem with him was to g to know your "attitude" towards stuff is that it would jave changed several times over the last couple of decades as you've grown and experienced life. What a crock of utter shit, this man seems to put forward as wanting to get to know you better.

It's best to always take people at face value and he's shown you his and it's ugly.

You're doing the right thing by ending it. Try not to let this man hamper any future relationships with his shitty attitude towards women and weird entitlement.

Wanting* sorry can't edit now

Profhilodisaster · 05/05/2025 22:04

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 21:45

That was one of his early questions how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated and a huge fuss was made. When I said I don’t know why it matters so much it was again done under the guise of “I need to know your attitude towards stuff”

I hope you've sent him a text and dumped him, expect him to back track and give all sorts of excuses as to why he asked (I was just curious, you've taken it the wrong way , I won't ask again etc)

GarlicPile · 05/05/2025 22:10

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 17:40

He has cheated in the past, he painted it that he was left in a vulnerable position.

The “holding to account” thing, he reckons I say something different every time we
discuss something and I’m not used to being challenged on it… I’ve tried to explain it’s because I don’t dwell on the past and I can’t remember a l lot of stuff from bloody 20 years ago I’m not bothered what happened then and he reckons he wants to know to get to know me better and know my attitude towards things etc

Oh, please don't feel you've got to justify your PERFECTLY NORMAL & REASONABLE self to this frightening man, MN, or to yourself!

Like other PPs, I felt angry and alarmed about this. It's telling, too, that you became so quickly enmeshed that you changed your divorce plan to .. what, quieten him? He is actually terrifying. Hope you've already ditched him.

You had a good time and the price was too high. Fin, the end, farewell weirdo.

WorthyOtter · 05/05/2025 22:26

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/05/2025 17:37

He presented with some vulnerabilities…
He’s unhinged.
Back in the day, I got lovebombed by somebody like this.
We went on holiday a few months in, all a big fancy surprise, beautiful resort.
First day he says I have a surprise in my suitcase close your eyes. I hoped it wasn’t an engagement ring.
He’d been through everything in my flat and made copies of my mobile phone bills going back before I met him.
And said we are not leaving this room until you explain each and every call.
Four hours later I was sobbing. He even started questioning me about teenage boyfriends, and asking what ‘stage’ we’d got up to. Over and over again, and asking I couldn’t look at my phone I couldn’t tally phone numbers up I didn’t recognise.
Finally got out, got another room and made it home.
But he was absolutely terrifying, like a different person, and this is after my mum had driven us to the airport and it was all sounding lovely.
I know it’s an extreme example but these men are controlling and mentally unstable.
And from my side - he’s not being open. I bet he’s cheated in the past - as my mum used to say - he knows his own tricks best.

This is awful!! Similar thing happened to me, my ex (about 14 years ago now), logged into my Facebook on a big computer screen with his sister and I was forced to sit and go through all old messages from before I'd even met him. Safe to say it got worse from here and I should've got out there and then

Smokesandeats · 05/05/2025 22:28

When you end things make sure you make it all about you rather than him. ‘I’m not ready to be in relationship at the moment, I’m sorting out my divorce, I need to be on my own, I need therapy’ etc. Don’t say anything about what he’s said or done. This way, he can’t promise to change or beg to stay friends with you. Make sure you block him on your phone and social media as soon as you end it.

Magnalux · 05/05/2025 22:42

The holding you to account thing would drive me round the twist.. who is he to hold you to account! Who gave him that power? Hills are that way >>

NewAgeNewMe · 05/05/2025 22:44

If you have given him a key change the locks. If he got into your phone he’s likely taken photos of your passwords including of your email. Change them.

Dump him fast. Good luck.

TheHerboriste · 05/05/2025 22:50

Jesus Christ, get rid of him. How can you even remotely consider that acceptable?????

Dingdong62 · 05/05/2025 22:53

Who the hell does this guy think he is?

pikkumyy77 · 05/05/2025 23:13

DarkFate · 05/05/2025 21:45

That was one of his early questions how many people I’d slept with. I said I couldn’t really remember and I got thoroughly interrogated and a huge fuss was made. When I said I don’t know why it matters so much it was again done under the guise of “I need to know your attitude towards stuff”

Attitude about what? Are you supposed to revirginize yourself?

NautilusLionfish · 05/05/2025 23:18

4 months in and he is snooping. There is a huge red banner in front of you with two words: Controlling dickhead.