He opened my phone and read all my messages

[DarkFate]

I’ve been with someone around 4 months. It has been intense during that time and we have spent a lot of time together quickly.

Anyhow I have two children with STBXH who are 11 and 9 so we have to talk/message sometimes.

There has never been any suspicion about any cheating.

So imagine my surprise when he came downstairs yesterday and started interrogating me about the dynamic between me and my ex-husband and that period when we first split up. I knew something was off and it turns out he read all the messages between us since we split up.

I see it as the ultimate breach of trust that he did that, and I don’t know if I can get over it. He thinks I should have told him about what when on between us when we first split up.

I said I was with him for 15 years, our relationship was multi-layered and private and ultimately it was none of his business what happened between us. He accepts he shouldn’t have snooped in my phone but doesn’t really take any responsibility.

I don’t think I can get over this ultimate breach of trust so early on.

Am I overreacting?

He's a controlling and needy little fucker. How dare he talk about 'holding you to account' for things that happened before you even met him? It's absolutely none of his business and to watch you enter your pass code and memorise it to break into your phone and read your messages is such concerning behaviour.

He sounds as though he could be quite dangerous so be careful when you end the relationship. I don't think that he will go quietly.

Please say he doesn't have a key to your home. If he does, change the barrel or lock. Change your WiFi password. Think about what accounts of yours he may have access to. Do you have a ring doorbell? Change your passwords. He's a devious, manipulative, controlling POS.

I wouldn’t do this to my husband of forty years and neither would he read my messages. Chuck him!

4 months in and he's shown you exactly who he is

If you green light this, he'll let you see the rest of the red flags as time goes on.

Let him go OP. Save you and your kids from the time you'll waste on him.

With your next relationship if any of this "holding to account" and grilling about your past happens - end it there and then.

Nobody should be setting "tests" for their partner, no matter how long they have been together.

Don’t feel you ‘owe it to him’ to meet in person to dump him, or for any explanations. Just text him once and block him.

Nothing good will come for you from engaging any further with him. Don’t feel sorry for him, he’s controlling and immature and these are issues he needs to work on outside of a relationship. He’s not your problem to fix and you don’t owe him anything.

Seriously OP this is a huge red flag. If someone did this to me they would be dumped immediately. It is incredibly controlling, you don't have to account for anything. Before you know it this will be a violent, dangerous and controlling situation. Take this as a warning. He is telling you what he is.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your support.

I agree… we got on so well we just “clicked” and he presented with some vulnerabilities.

I’ve been married for 42 years. My husband would never do this! Show him the door!

DUMP HIM
Any man who invaded my privacy like that would get shrieked at, dumped, told on to all his friends (& my friends) and warned that I was gonna sue him*.

*OK I couldn't but I'd make him believe I could.

Red flag. He’s been looking for what he can find out for who knows what reason (insecure?) and has found nothing controversial except for something that happened ages ago with your ex HUSBAND and is trying to make an issue of it in the present? Jealous nuttery.

Ps you need much better security on your phone. If he knew the code, change it. And maybe set a fingerprint, or Face ID. But mainly get rid of him!

He presented with some vulnerabilities…
He’s unhinged.
Back in the day, I got lovebombed by somebody like this.
We went on holiday a few months in, all a big fancy surprise, beautiful resort.
First day he says I have a surprise in my suitcase close your eyes. I hoped it wasn’t an engagement ring.
He’d been through everything in my flat and made copies of my mobile phone bills going back before I met him.
And said we are not leaving this room until you explain each and every call.
Four hours later I was sobbing. He even started questioning me about teenage boyfriends, and asking what ‘stage’ we’d got up to. Over and over again, and asking I couldn’t look at my phone I couldn’t tally phone numbers up I didn’t recognise.
Finally got out, got another room and made it home.
But he was absolutely terrifying, like a different person, and this is after my mum had driven us to the airport and it was all sounding lovely.
I know it’s an extreme example but these men are controlling and mentally unstable.
And from my side - he’s not being open. I bet he’s cheated in the past - as my mum used to say - he knows his own tricks best.

He has cheated in the past, he painted it that he was left in a vulnerable position.

The “holding to account” thing, he reckons I say something different every time we
discuss something and I’m not used to being challenged on it… I’ve tried to explain it’s because I don’t dwell on the past and I can’t remember a l lot of stuff from bloody 20 years ago I’m not bothered what happened then and he reckons he wants to know to get to know me better and know my attitude towards things etc

He's not vulnerable Op, ASD or not, he has no right to know every little detail of your life before you met him. Your life history is yours to tell, or not, if he needs to know everything then that's his problem. Get out asap because he's not going to change

Run like the wind and don’t look back!

Of course you shouldn’t be ‘used to being challenged on it’. Nobody should be trying to ‘challenge’ you on it, least of all him. It’s a monumental overstep. The cheeky fuck is massively entitled and what that tells us is that he’s very, very controlling.

Do not stand for it. You don’t need to justify yourself. You don’t need to buy into his mindset, just because he presents it as reasonable. Leave him to his own weirdness and walk away. You don’t need to - and shouldn’t- care about what this man thinks of you.

‘(He’ll) Then say I’m not used to people holding me to account …’

holding you to account for what? Having a life before you met him? It’s absolutely none of his business!

This sounds really bad, OP. Any man who has grievances regarding what you did before you even met him is bad news. I’m speaking from experience. And it only gets worse.

You, “clicked” because he was mirroring you and saying all the right things to get you to open up and then using that info to present himself in ways he deduced would draw you to him. Most of what he said probably wasn’t even true. And the fake vulnerability is to get you to feel for him and want to nurture him. It’s also a manipulation tactic.

You've done the right thing in ending it, OP.

So he admits to cheating whilst simultaneously making excuses, accepting no responsibility and making himself the victim.

And the reason he wants to know everything about you is so he can use the information against you in the future. He needs to know your vulnerabilities so he can exploit them and use them to control you.

Run. Far, far away.

Get rid.

And him being the one to call you out and hold you to account makes him the one you have to answer to, like he’s some kind of authority over you. He’s not. But he thinks he is because he believes you are beneath him. He believes that women should be controlled and answerable to men, who are the authority.

Please do not subject yourself and especially not your children to this potentially very dangerous man. Block him.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to know you better by learning about your past. But if you say you don't remember, the caring respectful person takes you at your word and accepts and trusts what you say. They don't sneakily find out your telephone passcode and read all your nessages

Hes a twat