My husband is the worst human that can ever exist

[baari]

Currently stormed out of the house
we have a flight to catch tmrw and a billion things to do
needed his help to watch our toddler whilst she’s asleep I can go do some shopping but he’s left the house
stormed out because I asked him what should we do for dinner as there’s no food since we’re flying so fridge is empty. Said he’ll go grab some frozen meals and I said or we can take our toddler to soft play and she can eat there. Then he got annoyed and said If you already have something in mind then why ask me. I explained it was just a suggestion like his idea. Started to swear at me because my tone changed and he apparently hates if I speak with an angry tone. Said he’ll physically kick me out of the house. Proceeded to say f*ck a few more times at me and swear. Then said he wants to Divorce. Then said he never wants to buy a house because why buy a house if he’s planning on divorcing. Then I said you don’t have enough money for A down payment anywya. Financially he stresses me out. Has zero savings. Not sure what he wastes his money on. I earn less than him but have more savings. Whenever I mention this he says he doesn’t have savings because how much he spends on us as a family. That is fAr from the truth I do half rent and most groceries and swimming and nursery for our toddler and he does bills and we both share council tax. Now he’s stormed out after he went out for two hours this morning. I really need to go get my eyebrows done.
I feel so low like how could this happen to me? Just a normal nice husband was all I’d wanted and gotten this twat of a man

You seem overly focussed on all the wrong things. If I were you I’d read all the op posts before commenting. To stop you looking like an abusive man defender.

If your sympathy for a woman who's been sworn at, shouted at and stormed out on depends on your approval of the reason she needed him to watch his child, then it's pretty worthless anyway.

He sounds like a nasty character but your post is very chaotic. You’re flying the next day so you’re very busy- you need to get jobs done and go shopping, but then you suggest soft play and mention your eyebrows? Why would you go to soft play if you need to go shopping? And why would you need to get your eyebrows done if you have a lot to sort before flying the next day? From this, it sounds like communication between the two of your is poor and everything is very chaotic/disorganised.

@baari

Listen, maybe you didn't handle this particular instance as best as you could. But you know what, that's no excuse for him shouting, swearing and threatening divorce. DH and I have been married over 35 years and yes we have had our 'moments', but we also know how to stop talking and walk away calmly from an argument and come back later for a calm discussion.

"Maybe yeah we should get divorced but I’m not comfortable with that idea. Somehow just crying on and trying my best to not trigger him seems easier"

I speak from experience. It's not 'easier' to live a life of tiptoeing around someone's moods and walking on eggshells not to upset them. It will end up destroying you. You will become a shell of yourself and really happiness will be just beyond your reach. And you will never be 100% successful because he wants to have someone to shout at so will always find something to be angry about.

Also, your child will learn to fear her father, to tiptoe around him and walk on eggshells. Because you will be saying "Shhh, let's be quiet now" or "Don't bother Daddy right now". And she will not be exempt from her father's 'moods'. And she will learn to put up with abusive behaviour and to stifle who she is because that is what she will see you do. Even if you should decide to 'put up and shut up', is that what you want for your DD?

Just what is it that makes you 'uncomfortable' about divorce? It's pretty commonplace these days and there's no stigma attached to it. Is it finances? Family pressure? Religious belief? Because I think you should at least be openminded about it and take time to consider whether or not you would be better off emotionally and 'within yourself' even if you were financially 'worse off' or had to face family pressures. And I know that God understands that not all marriages are 'made in Heaven'.

His mum dying is no excuse to become abusive, the trouble is OP you’re hoping he will one day be the lovely man you dated! He won’t because he is showing you who he really is, those days of him being lovely was a mask. I’d rather be a single parent than put up with a resentful, abusive man who threatens to physically chuck you out of the house and divorce you if you dare answer back, want some help and doesn’t give a shit if your in a lot of pain.

Regardless of the argument, he’s a nasty piece of work and you need to protect yourself and your child by leaving him and definitely do not bring any more poor children into this mess.

He sounds like a prick.

And money doesn't just vanish with nothing to show so if he'd not buying something for the house and it's not on bills...my guess would be gambling or cam girls.

Unless it's something like online videogame skin purchases etc...

I dunno why you're getting flack op. He sounds like a jerk. He's not adding much to your life and I wouldn't want my daughter to see me stay with a man who talked to me that way.

You can separate you know. Life is too short to live with people who have contempt for us.

Also, standard narcissist behaviour to create drama on and around the holiday so that you are miserable on it. They want you stressed and worn down.

He's right it's good you don't own a place together. He won't leave though. Not permanently anyway. Not unless he's replaced you. You'll need to leave him. Or make him go.

I agree. I was sympathising too. Sounds like the relationship has run its course and you both are getting on each other's nerves.

There's a child who's being forced to live where they are witnessing this relationship..... and at least one adult who wants to bring another into it.

I'll take cruel and goady over sympathetic and fawning.

You are living your life on eggshells and tiptoeing about him so as not to set him off.

This is no way to live.

This is no way for your daughter to grow up living ... she will be doing it, too, and think this is 'normal' and acceptable.

It is not.

Most people don't understand coercive control and emotional abuse.
Don't buy a house with this man.

It's not easier though, you're miserable in this marriage.

Leaving would be tough for a few months but then your life will be relatively free.

His mum is a bs excuse to abuse. Unfortunately many men take a few years to show who they really are. Marriage and pregnancy can be key times where they drop their mask.

Why are you not comfortable with the idea of divorce? You need to get to the bottom of this.

Do you believe he'll change back?
He won't. He was never that nice guy. Sorry. It was fake in order to reel you in.

Do you believe divorce is failure?
The only failure is choosing a man who hates you over learning to choose and love yourself. Life is a lesson. It'll repeat these hard lessons until you make different choices. Choose you.

Do you think 'my daughter deserves a family unit'? Your daughter deserves a happy mother, free from abuse. She deserves to know women aren't doormats or punching bags for damaged men.

Do you think you won't cope single?
It sounds like you already do! And with him gone you'll get extra things like discounted council tax and, CMS. And not have to walk on eggshells your whole life.

Do you think he'll make it difficult to coparent if he leaves? He may well do. But that's why you read up on how to coparent with a narcissist successfully. And techniques you can use like grey rock. It's never wise to stay married to the devil just because you fear being in his path. You are still his target, every day, the devil will never be kind to you. Not unless it's part of the con.

Are you worried what other people will think? Perhaps because they all love him and think he's perfect? All you need to say is 'we just weren't/aren't compatible anymore'. No one has to be 'the bad guy'. Sometimes things just don't work out. And that's ok. You can even say that last whole sentence to anyone who seems critical.

Get comfortable with the idea of leaving him. It'll be the best thing you've ever done.

He manufactured that argument

This.

My ex used to do this. That's why he's my ex. He would do it to give himself an excuse to go to the pub and get appallingly pissed while slagging me off to anyone who would listen.

Then he'd come home and carry on with his abusive ranting, but at me instead of about me.

Why are PPs twisting OP’s words? She said she made a SUGGESTION of going to soft play. Suddenly it’s OP ordering him to soft play 🙄 This place sometimes!

Asking someone what should we do, waiting for them to think what they want to do, and then coming up with plan B is irritating.
If you do this often, it is a bad habit. And you can make the other feel constantly dismissed. Less than and just teased.
I am not saying that is what you do or your intention. But if you do it often, then it is an issue.
Anyway, it sounds like you walk on egg shells with this man.
He said he is divorcing and that is what he is planning, have no doubts. So, start building your own plan for that scenario.
You do not sound well suited. All this grief is just unnecessary.

OP did nothing wrong, except daring to open her mouth to speak to her shitbag of a husband. Are all the posters defending this man who threatened violence blokes in disguise?

Holiday stress. Get over it. Get a takeawy.

It’s the title of the post that is the problem. That’s why people aren’t impressed. It’s childish and dramatic, and clearly untrue

Right?
Jim: Irene, I will physically kick you out of the house (for suggesting the sensible) idea of feeding our dc out of the house so there is no cooking and washing up.
Mumsnet: oh Irene, you and Jim are stressed out. Go on a weekend away where he can do whatever he wants to you you can relax

Wtaf Mumsnet?

hes pathetic to use his mums death to no support you pp-wtf does he think he is the only person to every have lost a parent

dont have another baby with this man

SUPER WORRIED MUM: i am looking for honest insight into Lord Wandsworth College in Hampshire. I am plannning for my daughter to start next year. (After almost two years of admission process) but the more mums I know the more worried I am.

It seems that the girls environment is terribly toxic, with unhealthy and constant conflict ongoing. Bullying does not get properly addressed and a few girls make life impossible. To be fair it is hard to manage all the conflict but maybe is the type of girl that chooses this school?
it seems that some of the mothers are the problem as well as they are in a quest to get what they want for their daughters.
my worry is that I live in London and my daughter will have to board on a weekly basis. Luckily I met some mums through another mum and had the chance to get some info but now I am worried sick.
any honest feedback would be appreciated.

OMG...

It is disorganised because one person is doing everything whilst the other is having unreasonable and aggressive temper tantrums.

He was out for two hours..
Blew his top when OP tried to discuss what todo for dinner.
And then stormed off again to avoid doing anything to help, having said he would physically kick her out of the house and he wanted a divorce.

He has major anger management issues... yet so many on this thread are blaming OP because she dared to book a pre holiday appointment ( which many of us do, legs, tan, or haircut) in the hope he might look after HIS OWN CHILD for an hour - which of course he's now managed to get out of.

He's a miserable grumpy man, refusing to help and a miserable person to go on holiday with.

OP.. it sounds like you are having to walk on eggshells around this twat.

Maybe you should read ops updates before spouting this tosh.