Recent argument has destabilised our relationship.

[timeismymedicine]

My partner of 18 months and I had an argument a week ago where he accused me of triggering him with how I spoke to him during a random everyday conversation about sheds.
He absolutely blew his top and started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat) when I said I didn’t know what I had said to cause such upset. I started crying.

He went on to call me a princess and how I always got my own way said he asks nothing of me and I had just given him a red flag and if I wanted to see this side of him this was the way to do it! I was so upset and puzzled I immediately apologised. Said I would never knowingly say anything to hurt and upset him. He called me a nag. Several times used that word on me. I hate that word and he knows it.

We had been discussing living together in the future. I own my house and he still has a mortgage. We are both in our 50s and have been married before. He has disclosed a turbulent childhood to me a few months into the relationship and probably has an anxious attachment. I am the opposite and calm consistent in nature so this suits him and he always tells me how happy he is with me and I am his partner for life etc.

We have had possibly 2 other arguments in our relationship, where he has gone into full anxiety mode with closed body language aggressive fight or flight type of response where I am left a bit confused as I don’t know how to respond.

I have really tried to understand but don’t know the full extent of his past as he has clearly only shared what he is able to therefore I don’t know what actually triggers him.
He also said he was going to leave me and not return. He didn’t go as it happened but continued to threaten to. He told me to continue living in my own house alone and single! It was very hurtful and said in an hurtful way and I am still hearing his voice in my head when I think about the argument. I seem to be unable to move on from it.
He only disclosed his financial situation to me recently. He plans to sell his house and we have discussed him moving into my house. It is convenient for both our work places etc.
He would have a small amount of equity which he has said would be ‘ours’. It is not enough to buy another house.
I am now panicking a bit as I feel this argument has de stabilised our relationship and I’m not sure I want to live with someone who shouts at me, threatens to leave and just calls me names to be unkind. He works with people so is aware of minimising feelings, would have done training on managing conflict Trauma triangle etc. I appreciate this is different to apply in real life. He is usually kind and thoughtful and up to this point I was really happy.
My concern is am I over thinking it - or is the occasional argument okay? Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% s*t still a cup of s*t tea?? Any decisions we have made have always been together and I am mindful of being a team and working things out so saying I always get my own way was baffling actually.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

If a disagreement about a SHED (a fucking shed!?!) can turn into something that 'triggers' him, makes him call you names and threaten to leave you and leaves you in tears and feeling anxious for days... then this man is not for you right now.

He's not ready to be anyone's partner and certainly not someone you should live with / get financially entangled with. He is either an asshole or (being very very generous) a person who still has a lot to work through.

If it's really 'love' then delaying moving in for 12 or 24 months shouldn't be an issue should it? I'm willing to bet in another 12 months you'll have seen a lot more of 'that side' of him :(

I think he probably needs to go away and work himself and his issues single.

I don’t think you should tolerate being tested like this.

and whatever you do or dont do, please do not move in together. You are in a great position and this chap is not ready. You life will become so tricky from the point you merge.

What a terrifying thread.
He is clearly abusive, unhinged and unstable.

I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that you will bitterly regret allowing this angry unstable man move in.

Can you really not see how vulnerable you must be that you would even continue to see someone who is so verbally abusive?

I do not believe you know who he really is or the truth about him.

He 100% has an agenda that you do not know.
I would fear for your safety.

Please wake up to the peril you are in.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5292731-i-need-a-good-rant-advice-also-helpful?reply=144013344

I strongly suggest you read this poor woman's ongoing trauma.
She ignored all the signs that were there in front of her.
She has paid a terrible price.

You sound wonderful and at your age (I am similar) you skills he sharing your life with someone brings good things to the table.
This man has issues so embedded it’s too late for him to change unless he recognises it. He clearly doesn’t.
Very few men are complete monsters. You have seen traits in him you love.
But he sounds dangerous to me.
You have your own home and life - you have some agency here. But this man has had you apologising for triggering him over a shed. If you move in together it will escalate. And you will be trapped.
I have read the whole thread mentioned by the poster above. Read it. It starts off with similar stuff going on.
Please set yourself free. And just for reference I have had CPTSD and never abused anybody.
If he hasn’t resolved childhood trauma at 50 then he’s not going to. He’s going to use it to hurt others.

Oh God. Don’t move him in. This has nightmare, control and abuse written all over it. I am very concerned for you.

I married a man who gave me the silent treatment, told me I was a huge compromise to his life and his go to in every argument was “I want a divorce”. One of his sayings was “You need to go away and think about what you’ve done”. Be very very careful.

Get out now, before it's too late.

You sound so nice and kind. You deserve better than this.

Do not let him move in with you. Keep your finances separate. He is showing his true colours already.

Personally, I would end the relationship but if you want to keep it going just protect yourself, your money and your mental well being.

Honestly, he sounds like bad news.

Tell him tomorrow that his behaviour is abusive. You realise he needs help, but not from you. You are worth more than this; plenty of men would cherish you.

Run

Please listen to what everyone is saying. This man's mask has slipped and this is who he is but it will get worse every time you are tied to him a little more (house move, finances combined, marriage). Please don't think you can continue a relationship with a man like this by making him reason or by setting boundaries as he will dismantle them all and crazy make until you don't know who you are anymore and he has a stake in your house.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

Have read all your responses.

Please stop questioning yoruself here.

He can't handle conflict. This isn't constructive, this isn't healthy, this isn't normal. He wasn't measured. He went way over the top and started blaming you. Saying you always get your own way is making you out to be the ogre. Calling you a princess is putting you down.

Look how he's got you doubting yourself.

He works with vulnerable people fgs and will have had training in how to handle conflict. Yet he acts like this.

Run, lady. This one's no good. Before 6 years are out, you'll be walking on eggshells worrying about his temper and keeping your mouth shut. Come to think of it, won't you be walking on eggshells from now on, afraid to provoke this again?

Don't go there. He's a grown adult and if he's still acting like this at 50, it won't get better. People can change, mature and get better at conflict resolution as they grow older, but he hasn't.

This is sad, OP, because you love him, but he will never be a good loving partner. He can’t or won’t control his tantrums, his spiteful comments, his instability. He’s already got you apologising to him.

If you let him stay in your life, he will suck the life out of you, he really will.

Above all, don’t let him live in your house. Please make it clear that he should not sell his own house, but if he does, he’s not moving into yours.

Apologies I haven’t updated I have been at work. To answer a few questions. We both have grown up independent children. We both live alone in our own properties. I am not afraid of being single I am not afraid of living alone. I do not need a man/relationship with a man desperately to someone who suggested this.

Apart from a couple of minor disagreements this is the first time this has happened. Up until then he was (and is again now!) a kind fun loving partner and I felt happy to have him in my life. To someone who suggested I was passive I do not consider myself so. I try to be understanding and supportive as a partner. This is the first time this has happened and I was I guess looking for a way forward, I am aware I cannot ‘fix’ anyone. I don’t think he has ever had any counselling. As some of you have pointed out that really is his ‘broken to fix ‘ and he is a responsible adult.
I plan to put a stop to him moving in with me and that will stop him thinking he will sell his property.
When people advise to leave your partner anyone in that position knows it’s not something that can just happen instantly. . I wouldn’t want to be hurtful and just be nasty to someone who has shared my life for 18months. We had planned a future. So I need to get my head around this too. He may still feature in my future but just not as close as previously planned.

Well done OP. Unfortunately I think the response you get from telling him you no longer want to move in together will confirm you’ve made the right decision.

You are 1000% right to put the brakes on.

He is two people and you would have to live with both.

I had an ex a bit like this. I wish I could have kept the nice parts of him as he was such an interesting and intelligent person but he had a side to him that I simply could not stomach and after almost two years, I had no choice but to accept that he was actually not a force for good in my life and I dumped him.

I was immediately so glad I did as his behaviour, once I told him I was leaving, was really really bad and it went on for months.

You have had a window in to his true personality. Be glad.

OP, his mask is slipping as it often does approaching the two year mark.

Men from abusive backgrounds are very very rarely fixable.

Watch him very carefully when you tell him No to moving in.

Watch his reaction, his anger.
That is the real him.
Not the mask and what he wants you to see.

The absurdity of his abuse of you over a shed should be chilling you.
This is the real him.

So many women so bitterly regret trying not to accept what they were really shown by their partner.

Don't mess up these years by allowing a highly unhinged abusive man access to your assets.

Two books for you to read.

"Why does he do that?: Lundy Bancroft

"Women who love too much? Robin Norwood.

Both these books will give you great insights, well worth buying.

Many strong, independent women have found themselves in your position. We often try to help our partners, mistaking what we feel for love when it is actually co-dependence or even pity.

I may not be able to convince you, but it's essential to establish firm boundaries and stick to them. If he speaks to you disrespectfully again, stop and let him know that his behaviour is entirely unacceptable and that you will leave. Do not enable thibehaviouror. Walk away.

I would never risk a relationship with someone who does not respect himself or me. You work with vulnerable people and understand the damage this kind of situation can cause.

Yikes - I’d have thrown him out there and then.
we’ve all got ‘stuff’ that happened, we don’t carry on like that.
it’s abusive.

Maybe paranoid , but would it be wiser to drop news when you’re in a public place - can’t see this going down well.
He’s going ti feel rejected- and triggered- and we know what happens then.

Essentially, he spent the 18 months you’ve been together, building, among other things, resentment and finally put his work on display. You’ve spent the last 18 months building a future.

Your response to this outburst is filled with empathy and loyalty based on 18 months of “knowing” a man who you don’t actually know. In fact, he is showing himself and you say you are beginning to see this but also second guessing yourself still. It is less so the outburst itself and all to do with the nastiness, resentment and mean words he used during the outburst.

He will continue his relationship patter and you yours. Except that the next time he has an outburst you would have spent a total of 36 months planning a future with him. And maybe for the next 18 months you will keep wondering if and when this will happen again?

Question really is what kind of future do you want to build right now as an independent 50 year old.

I wouldn’t want to be hurtful and just be nasty to someone who has shared my life for 18months.

Breaking up with someone honestly and cleanly isn't nasty and hurtful. Where have learnt that from?

What he did to you on the other hand, IS nasty and very deliberately hurtful. The comments, the misogyny, the put downs, all of it designed to deliberately hurt you.

It astounds me how so many adult and middle aged women still have not developed any gut feelings and protection from listening to them.

We are constantly bombarded with stories of violence against women, abusive coercive relationships, anger and controlling men terrorising women, yet still women doubt themselves.

So sad.
Abusive men never cease actively seeking out women to be their victims, particularly as they age.

A nurse with a purse that they can use and abuse.

Making for a truly miserable last chapter for women.

I have many single friends in their late 50's and 60's, all united in keeping their homes a safe haven.

Some have relationships, but none are foolish enough to be combining finances and assets this late on in life.

They savour and protect their independence judiciously.