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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Recent argument has destabilised our relationship.

207 replies

timeismymedicine · 02/05/2025 18:18

My partner of 18 months and I had an argument a week ago where he accused me of triggering him with how I spoke to him during a random everyday conversation about sheds.
He absolutely blew his top and started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat) when I said I didn’t know what I had said to cause such upset. I started crying.

He went on to call me a princess and how I always got my own way said he asks nothing of me and I had just given him a red flag and if I wanted to see this side of him this was the way to do it! I was so upset and puzzled I immediately apologised. Said I would never knowingly say anything to hurt and upset him. He called me a nag. Several times used that word on me. I hate that word and he knows it.

We had been discussing living together in the future. I own my house and he still has a mortgage. We are both in our 50s and have been married before. He has disclosed a turbulent childhood to me a few months into the relationship and probably has an anxious attachment. I am the opposite and calm consistent in nature so this suits him and he always tells me how happy he is with me and I am his partner for life etc.

We have had possibly 2 other arguments in our relationship, where he has gone into full anxiety mode with closed body language aggressive fight or flight type of response where I am left a bit confused as I don’t know how to respond.

I have really tried to understand but don’t know the full extent of his past as he has clearly only shared what he is able to therefore I don’t know what actually triggers him.
He also said he was going to leave me and not return. He didn’t go as it happened but continued to threaten to. He told me to continue living in my own house alone and single! It was very hurtful and said in an hurtful way and I am still hearing his voice in my head when I think about the argument. I seem to be unable to move on from it.
He only disclosed his financial situation to me recently. He plans to sell his house and we have discussed him moving into my house. It is convenient for both our work places etc.
He would have a small amount of equity which he has said would be ‘ours’. It is not enough to buy another house.
I am now panicking a bit as I feel this argument has de stabilised our relationship and I’m not sure I want to live with someone who shouts at me, threatens to leave and just calls me names to be unkind. He works with people so is aware of minimising feelings, would have done training on managing conflict Trauma triangle etc. I appreciate this is different to apply in real life. He is usually kind and thoughtful and up to this point I was really happy.
My concern is am I over thinking it - or is the occasional argument okay? Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% s*t still a cup of s*t tea?? Any decisions we have made have always been together and I am mindful of being a team and working things out so saying I always get my own way was baffling actually.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

OP posts:
MoominMai · 02/05/2025 18:59

OP, in answer to your Q, no you very much don’t know him. V similar to my recent ex actually. He was amazing and kind for the first year and a half but then his mask slipped and his jealousy and paranoia started to surface. I remember one argument he started because he (wrongly) accused me of cheating and the next day we were meant to go on holiday and catch an early flight. He asked me if I’d done my packing and I thought okay all good he’s seen sense and whatever just looking forward to the holiday. Then the next night before departure he rang to say I could have a lie in. I was gobsmacked as what that meant sunk in - I realised he deliberately led me to believe we were still both going away, even ensured I continued packing and I’d taken leave off work also and then to be told in such a cruel way that he was going alone because he was still mad. Up until then I would never ever have believed he could be so unkind and cruel without even any evidence of wrongdoing but his usual paranoia taking over. Crazy thing is before then we (also early 50s) were so in love, intended to be together forever and he wanted us to sell our homes and buy one together. On his return, he wanted to give it another go but no way! I ended it and thank goodness I didn’t risk my future by moving in with him. I only got a small glimpse of his anger there and couldn’t imagine how he’d treat me if we lived under the same roof. Even now that cruel episode lives rent free in my head and I just couldn’t move on from it. He was an incredibly handsome guy but after that I just developed the ick and physically just didn’t want anything to do with despite the fact I’d be single and alone all over again with zero family and friends. Don’t do it OP - I’d just leave!

C152 · 02/05/2025 19:01

I'm old and jaded, OP, but honestly, life is too short for this rubbish. Just leave him.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/05/2025 19:08

Life is too short to deal with this sh!#e. Do not let him move in. Dump his obnoxious arse. You deserve better, even if that's living in peace alone.

Itiswhysofew · 02/05/2025 19:09

Someone of his age shouldn't be behaving this way. It's a really bad sign and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Go your own way. Tell him to leave just as he wants to and not bother you again. His threatening behaviour won't change.

Lindy2 · 02/05/2025 19:11

I always think how you argue is an important part of a relationship. Both parties need to be able to have an argument, reflect, apologise (if needed) and move on. If you both can't do that then the relationship will struggle.

Arguing but still staying a strong couple is a good thing in a relationship. I've no confidence in couples who claim never to have a cross word - they usually split after the first disagreement.

It doesn't sound like a good argument. The things he said were very unkind and the fact that this is still rumbling without agreeing to disagree or apology, is not a good sign.

He sounds rather immature and a bit spiteful OP. 18 months really isn't all that long to move someone in to your home- particularly as you aren't going to be equal financially with that.

I'd put the moving in on quite a long hold. I'd also be reflecting on the future of the relationship where you are being belittled for having an opinion or making comments (not sure of the details of your shed discussion) that is different from his. I think you've seen a rather unpleasant glimpse of what lies beneath.

Daisyblue2 · 02/05/2025 19:13

Leave him. Hes showing you who he is. A bully and manipulator. Do not move in with him

Happyhettie · 02/05/2025 19:14

That’s really awful behaviour. The red flags are flying.

Do you really want to be with someone who can turn on you at any point? Life is too short to be miserable.

Please put yourself first. He’s horrible.

RedHelenB · 02/05/2025 19:16

Beamur · 02/05/2025 18:21

I would pause moving in together indefinitely. You don't really know him. This is as much a part of him as the nice side. Be wary.

This. There's a lot to be said for staying single.
However turning on the waterworks to get your own way is emotional blackmail too.

TokyoSushi · 02/05/2025 19:18

No no no OP, if he moves in and is comfortable it will get worse. 🚩🚩🚩

Bestfootforward11 · 02/05/2025 19:19

I would say don’t let him move in and end the relationship. What you seeing are red flags here. It’s one thing to have a few cross words with each other now and again but he sounds volatile and controlling. You really don’t want to spend your life walking on eggshells in fear of the inevitable moments he will lose it and will tell you it’s your fault. The shouting, name calling and threats to leave are not part of a healthy relationship. You do not have to endure this, you can choose not to have that in your life. You deserve better. All the best.

pompey38 · 02/05/2025 19:23

timeismymedicine · 02/05/2025 18:18

My partner of 18 months and I had an argument a week ago where he accused me of triggering him with how I spoke to him during a random everyday conversation about sheds.
He absolutely blew his top and started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat) when I said I didn’t know what I had said to cause such upset. I started crying.

He went on to call me a princess and how I always got my own way said he asks nothing of me and I had just given him a red flag and if I wanted to see this side of him this was the way to do it! I was so upset and puzzled I immediately apologised. Said I would never knowingly say anything to hurt and upset him. He called me a nag. Several times used that word on me. I hate that word and he knows it.

We had been discussing living together in the future. I own my house and he still has a mortgage. We are both in our 50s and have been married before. He has disclosed a turbulent childhood to me a few months into the relationship and probably has an anxious attachment. I am the opposite and calm consistent in nature so this suits him and he always tells me how happy he is with me and I am his partner for life etc.

We have had possibly 2 other arguments in our relationship, where he has gone into full anxiety mode with closed body language aggressive fight or flight type of response where I am left a bit confused as I don’t know how to respond.

I have really tried to understand but don’t know the full extent of his past as he has clearly only shared what he is able to therefore I don’t know what actually triggers him.
He also said he was going to leave me and not return. He didn’t go as it happened but continued to threaten to. He told me to continue living in my own house alone and single! It was very hurtful and said in an hurtful way and I am still hearing his voice in my head when I think about the argument. I seem to be unable to move on from it.
He only disclosed his financial situation to me recently. He plans to sell his house and we have discussed him moving into my house. It is convenient for both our work places etc.
He would have a small amount of equity which he has said would be ‘ours’. It is not enough to buy another house.
I am now panicking a bit as I feel this argument has de stabilised our relationship and I’m not sure I want to live with someone who shouts at me, threatens to leave and just calls me names to be unkind. He works with people so is aware of minimising feelings, would have done training on managing conflict Trauma triangle etc. I appreciate this is different to apply in real life. He is usually kind and thoughtful and up to this point I was really happy.
My concern is am I over thinking it - or is the occasional argument okay? Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% s*t still a cup of s*t tea?? Any decisions we have made have always been together and I am mindful of being a team and working things out so saying I always get my own way was baffling actually.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

At the age of 50, do you really still have time , patience and nerves to deal with a “ baby” ? move on and make your life easier not harder

jsku · 02/05/2025 19:28

@timeismymedicine

I am divorced and in same age group. So - my take on it is DO NOT move in together. Personally - I’d be distancing myself if you are attached. And preparing to move on. Unless he can open up and be very clear about his ‘issues’ and ‘triggers’.
If he did open up - I’d still think long and hard about how damaged he is - as some of what ‘triggers’ him may be normal behaviours by most definitions, and hence this issues would come up again and again.

By the sound of it - he seems too damaged, but also too selfish. His only focus is his own feelings - and he goes on attack when something appears to him as somewhat ‘threatening’. He is too selfish to be a partner material, most likely.

Kathbrownlow · 02/05/2025 19:33

Poor you, OP. This is awful. He will be like this again. And again. DO NOT move in with him. Actually, consider if you want him around any more.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/05/2025 19:35

started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat)

I have no idea what could cause such an aggressive reaction in him, but he wanted to punish you. What better way than to totally wrong-foot you and gaslight you into doubting your own mind and make you believe you had done or said something really awful?

You didn't have the faintest clue what you could have done that was so bad as to trigger him like that. Shall I tell you what you did? You didn't do anything.

I wonder how come he knows the term 'red flag'. Most nice blokes wouldn't have the foggiest, but the nasty ones are far more likely to know what it means.

AFrankExchangeofViews · 02/05/2025 19:37

Really typical, controlling, abusive, manipulative, misogynist behaviour. Even the old lonely single woman trope - single women are the happiest and have the best health outcomes of all women! 18 months is about right to start seeing who these guys really are, they cant keep up the pretence of being a nice guy much longer than that. Very telling that you dont really understand what you did wrong. Because it didn't matter, it was what he felt like doing to you, any excuse will do, he needed to treat you like that to feel good about himself. It will become more frequent and more nasty now.

Takenoprisoner · 02/05/2025 19:40

Cadenza12 · 02/05/2025 18:23

Yes, I also think that he's shown you who he is and a glimpse of what living with him would be like. He's keeping himself in check at the moment.

💯 this

it's how someone handles disagreements, conflicts, pressure and arguments that truly reveals their personality. This is who he is. He sounds like he completely lost his rag. The nag comment is the worst part in a way, because that's misogynistic and its not really resolvable.

gamerchick · 02/05/2025 19:42

This wasn't about sheds OP, that's why you're confused. This bloke sounds like he has a lot of self sabotage going on and a lot of issues he hasn't dealt with. This will happen again and again.

Tell him moving in together is not happening any time soon and give it a lot of time. There's no need to live together.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/05/2025 19:43

RedHelenB · 02/05/2025 19:16

This. There's a lot to be said for staying single.
However turning on the waterworks to get your own way is emotional blackmail too.

Show quote history

People cry when they are upset. Abusers often make their victims cry. They often then accuse their victim of emotional blackmail for turning on the waterworks to get their own way.

My abusive exH used to do and say the most awful vile things to me until I was a sobbing mess cowering in the corner, and then he'd say "Don't you dare start crying. You are doing it on purpose to try and make me feel bad".

In my opinion, it tends to be abusers who assume that someone is pulling the emotional blackmail trick by crying on purpose. Ordinary people don't think like that.

Takenoprisoner · 02/05/2025 19:44

And yes 18 months when the honeymoon highs end and you truly see someone for who they are

Takenoprisoner · 02/05/2025 19:46

You'd be completely foolish to move him into your home and tie yourself to him financially, or even to stay in this relationship any longer.

Velmy · 02/05/2025 19:49

Reading this I assumed you'd be barely out of your teens. You're in your fifties. You shouldn't need MN to figure this one out.

PruthePrune · 02/05/2025 19:51

Being able to communicate as a mature adult is a vital cornerstone of any healthy relationship. You are not getting this with this man; he has not told you what triggered him and is not going to, has threatened to leave and has blamed you for a nebulous "something". As a PP said you will soon be walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. No doubt the moods and the silent treatment will follow. If you carry on with this relationship you will be a hollowed out, anxious mess of the woman you are now. End it.

maybeuptight · 02/05/2025 19:52

At 18 months, I would bail and count myself lucky.

Crushed23 · 02/05/2025 19:53

It’s up to you if you can handle this kind of erratic behaviour. I absolutely could not deal with it. I’d rather be single than in a relationship that disturbs my peace. No man gets to shout at me twice.

momtoboys · 02/05/2025 19:54

I haven't read every response but I hope someone has said when a person shows you who they are, believe them. DO NOT move him into your house.