Recent argument has destabilised our relationship.

[timeismymedicine]

My partner of 18 months and I had an argument a week ago where he accused me of triggering him with how I spoke to him during a random everyday conversation about sheds.
He absolutely blew his top and started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat) when I said I didn’t know what I had said to cause such upset. I started crying.

He went on to call me a princess and how I always got my own way said he asks nothing of me and I had just given him a red flag and if I wanted to see this side of him this was the way to do it! I was so upset and puzzled I immediately apologised. Said I would never knowingly say anything to hurt and upset him. He called me a nag. Several times used that word on me. I hate that word and he knows it.

We had been discussing living together in the future. I own my house and he still has a mortgage. We are both in our 50s and have been married before. He has disclosed a turbulent childhood to me a few months into the relationship and probably has an anxious attachment. I am the opposite and calm consistent in nature so this suits him and he always tells me how happy he is with me and I am his partner for life etc.

We have had possibly 2 other arguments in our relationship, where he has gone into full anxiety mode with closed body language aggressive fight or flight type of response where I am left a bit confused as I don’t know how to respond.

I have really tried to understand but don’t know the full extent of his past as he has clearly only shared what he is able to therefore I don’t know what actually triggers him.
He also said he was going to leave me and not return. He didn’t go as it happened but continued to threaten to. He told me to continue living in my own house alone and single! It was very hurtful and said in an hurtful way and I am still hearing his voice in my head when I think about the argument. I seem to be unable to move on from it.
He only disclosed his financial situation to me recently. He plans to sell his house and we have discussed him moving into my house. It is convenient for both our work places etc.
He would have a small amount of equity which he has said would be ‘ours’. It is not enough to buy another house.
I am now panicking a bit as I feel this argument has de stabilised our relationship and I’m not sure I want to live with someone who shouts at me, threatens to leave and just calls me names to be unkind. He works with people so is aware of minimising feelings, would have done training on managing conflict Trauma triangle etc. I appreciate this is different to apply in real life. He is usually kind and thoughtful and up to this point I was really happy.
My concern is am I over thinking it - or is the occasional argument okay? Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% s*t still a cup of s*t tea?? Any decisions we have made have always been together and I am mindful of being a team and working things out so saying I always get my own way was baffling actually.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

The mask has truly slipped. Please look up covert narcissist behaviour and see how much fits. I recommend Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube. She describes how setting up a narrative of a difficult childhood can be a form of love bombing -- designed to appeal to your empathy and good nature, and an excuse for the behaviour. I find your post quite triggering, after spending 20 years in a similar dynamic, but not recognising how bad it was until I left. Please do not stay with this man. It will only get worse.

Oh OP, this is another massive red flag - it's not romantic or about love, it's about control and coercion. Please do not move this man into your home. The reason it's been going round and round in your head is because you know something is very wrong. Stop psychoanalysing him and get as far away from him as you can. This relationship has danger written all over it.

There’s a lot of therapy speak used here - by him to justify/excuse his behaviour and by you in an attempt to understand/accept it - but if you strip that away, he’s being an arsehole abs you’re right to slam the brakes on. Definitely don’t be moving in together. 18 months is early enough for him only just to be showing you who he really is when the veneer flakes off.

Sometimes people are just shits and there’s no need to do deeper analysis and diagnoses.

Thank you for the above. He displays high anxiety levels like repetitive type gestures and literally physically turns away from me crossing his arms across his body very defensively if we discuss anything where he feels my commitment towards wanting/needing him as a partner may be being discussed. I have never ever even hinted that I did not wish to progress the relationship as up to now it seemed to be moving along nicely.
Him wanting to sell his house and move in with me is worrying now. He says he is embarrassed that he doesn’t have more or equal financial input to bring to the table. .

Yes you are right I work with vulnerable people and also have thought up to now I had a good insight for spotting red flags etc. However it’s so much more difficult when it happens on your own doorstep, in your own home. Yes I have taken this on board. Thank you for pointing that out.

In 9 years of dating my partner we don’t argue like this. Communication and how we resolve things, insecurities and any triggers were discussed early on. I take responsibility for my behaviour and insecurities. I’m 50. I seek therapy or support to manage and improve my behaviour and reactions if necessary.

I don’t make another person responsible for my behaviour or feelings.

stop trying to find reasons and excuses for his behaviour. ADHD, ADD, CPSTD… He’s old enough to realise his behaviour isn’t healthy and have worked on it.

he hasn’t. He’s made it your problem instead.

He’s mocked you in his ‘apology’ then turned it back on you and made it all about him and you not want him to live with you etc.

Hes showing you his colours. He’s showing you that you won’t be emotionally safe communicating in times of conflict with him.

Who cares how often he’s nice - because when you don’t toe the line - this is what you get.

Imagine walking on eggshells when you live together. You tip toeing around his emotions more and more.

end it now. You deserve better.

I don't trust this man. I'm getting really bad vibes. I suspect he wants to get his feet under the table, drop to part time hours and have op fund his lifestyle.
I KNOW op hasn't said anything like this.

The whole storing up grudges, mysogynistic belittling, decimating op to tears, then excuses and wanting to move past it, get over it. And somehow, it is op who has to conjure up a solution so that HE doesn't have to reflect or change and op has to forgive all aswell.

Nope nope nope. Bad juju with this one @timeismymedicine

The financials are a big red flag. Your house is 100% yours and your security - once he moves in having sold his house he’ll keep his equity, live rent free & you’ll never get him out. The temper tantrum is another red flag. Cool the ehole thing down, I would. But fof goodness sakd keep your finances SEPARATE - no joint account , no joint assets

I have C-PTSD, have been receiving treatment for over a decade for it. I also have a partner of nearly 16 years...I've NEVER spoken to, or treated my partner the way this 'man' has acted towards the OP.

Don't be so ignorant about mental health.

This is horrible and it's how it starts. Sorry op but I've been with one of him and once they've started on this they don't stop (but they do intersperse it with lovely days just to confuse you) you'll be wishing for ever for h th e honeymoon period but it's gone. The blaming and telling you off like a naughty child is awful. Someone can only hide their true colours for so long. 18 months is about bang on right.

Don't excuse his behaviour due to his childhood he's an adult now and if he was going to heal and change he would have done by now you'll have a miserable anxious life and an early grave if you move him in

He seems very keen to get his feet under your table while bringing very little to the party

So he moves in and then decides his equity is his money after all and he doesn’t earn much do can’t really help towards the bills - and then a couple of years down the line things are too much to stand and you ask him to leave. But he’s got nowhere to go and so refuses to leave without a pay off.

You only have to read MN to see thread after thread where those or similar happens.

My friend moved her partner in after a couple of years and after they split he wanted £25 grand to go.

There's a reason why so many older women have no desire to cohabit again and why the living apart LTR is growing in popularity

Gosh OP I feel like you’re dating my STBX husband! Get out while you can, don’t look back!

Run very far away.

OP you said in your first post you have had an abusive relationship before - I am wondering if this is another one?

The idea that you have thought about a Claire’s Law disclosure is concerning.

Don’t sweep this under the carpet - the love bombing is not great, the insecurity is wearing, the financial imbalance makes it seem like he’s wheedling his way in, never mind this latest nasty outburst. PP who said covert narcissism may have a very valid point!

Why are you settling for this loser? I don't want moody men who are triggered by conversations about sheds. I am old fashioned I suppose but my ideal man must be prepared to bury dead pets and not whine about his unfortunate childhood. Ideally he should cook well and treat me with old fashioned courtesy. Stoicism in men is an undervalued trait.

Run. 🚩

Oh crikey, this was a bit painful for me to read as elements remind me so much of my now Ex LTP. I'm in my 50's escaping this - you're in your 50s, please don't walk into an abusive situation that will chip away at your self esteem.
It's that turning on you and pulling the rug from under your feet and leaving you confused and guilty and apologetic for some supposed infringement that you have carried out. His behaviour like this will keep you walking on egg shells and anxious not upset him and to keep the peace. Been there done that too with the using of his poor traumatic childhood experiences to justify his shitty behaviour to me (no it doesn't). It's toxic, you don't need this in your life.

Am still thinking about your post OP. You sound really nice, but - and dont take this the wrong way - a little passive. It sounds like he is spearheading all the decisions on your relationship - but he is also laying the groundwork for things being 'your fault' and him being the victim. By saying you have to have everything your own way etc. He's head fucking with you. Please find your anger and don't put up with it. I wish you all the best x

Don't make additional commitments to someone that you're afraid to say anything at all to.

“stop trying to find reasons and excuses for his behaviour. ADHD, ADD, CPSTD… He’s old enough to realise his behaviour isn’t healthy and have worked on it.
he hasn’t. He’s made it your problem instead.
He’s mocked you in his ‘apology’ then turned it back on you and made it all about him and you not want him to live with you etc.
Hes showing you his colours. He’s showing you that you won’t be emotionally safe communicating in times of conflict with him.
Who cares how often he’s nice - because when you don’t toe the line - this is what you get.
Imagine walking on eggshells when you live together. You tip toeing around his emotions more and more.
end it now. You deserve better.”

@timeismymedicine This with bells on. Don’t look for excuses for his bad behaviour.

Everyone can be lovely when things are going well. The more revealing test is - how does this person behave when the chips are down? He did a character assassination of you. He was horrible. He was abusive. This guy is not a safe partner for you. Please don’t move in with him. Think seriously about ending the relationship.

I'd much rather stay on my own than being with someone like that.

Don't even think about moving in with him (other way about)

This man is abusive (and highly manipulative, to have you making excuses for him), and it doesn't matter what the 'reasons' for it are. Get away, and get away fast.

Tea that is 10% poison will still poison you.

I married one like this. The signs were there right from the beginning but I chose to ignore them because in other ways he was a lot of fun. He made my life a complete misery as his moods/irrationality increased. I didn't know what to do - I hadn't found Mumsnet in those days. I would bloody well know what to do now! Much of the advice from a lot of posters is absolutely spot on because we have been there ourselves.

We split some years ago now and oh the bliss! Do yourself a kindness Op and walk away.