Recent argument has destabilised our relationship.

[timeismymedicine]

My partner of 18 months and I had an argument a week ago where he accused me of triggering him with how I spoke to him during a random everyday conversation about sheds.
He absolutely blew his top and started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat) when I said I didn’t know what I had said to cause such upset. I started crying.

He went on to call me a princess and how I always got my own way said he asks nothing of me and I had just given him a red flag and if I wanted to see this side of him this was the way to do it! I was so upset and puzzled I immediately apologised. Said I would never knowingly say anything to hurt and upset him. He called me a nag. Several times used that word on me. I hate that word and he knows it.

We had been discussing living together in the future. I own my house and he still has a mortgage. We are both in our 50s and have been married before. He has disclosed a turbulent childhood to me a few months into the relationship and probably has an anxious attachment. I am the opposite and calm consistent in nature so this suits him and he always tells me how happy he is with me and I am his partner for life etc.

We have had possibly 2 other arguments in our relationship, where he has gone into full anxiety mode with closed body language aggressive fight or flight type of response where I am left a bit confused as I don’t know how to respond.

I have really tried to understand but don’t know the full extent of his past as he has clearly only shared what he is able to therefore I don’t know what actually triggers him.
He also said he was going to leave me and not return. He didn’t go as it happened but continued to threaten to. He told me to continue living in my own house alone and single! It was very hurtful and said in an hurtful way and I am still hearing his voice in my head when I think about the argument. I seem to be unable to move on from it.
He only disclosed his financial situation to me recently. He plans to sell his house and we have discussed him moving into my house. It is convenient for both our work places etc.
He would have a small amount of equity which he has said would be ‘ours’. It is not enough to buy another house.
I am now panicking a bit as I feel this argument has de stabilised our relationship and I’m not sure I want to live with someone who shouts at me, threatens to leave and just calls me names to be unkind. He works with people so is aware of minimising feelings, would have done training on managing conflict Trauma triangle etc. I appreciate this is different to apply in real life. He is usually kind and thoughtful and up to this point I was really happy.
My concern is am I over thinking it - or is the occasional argument okay? Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% s*t still a cup of s*t tea?? Any decisions we have made have always been together and I am mindful of being a team and working things out so saying I always get my own way was baffling actually.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

I would put the breaks on the moving in. Permanently.

That sounds like a nice compromise. I am thinking I will ask him to put selling his property on hold for a bit. TBH I am dreading it but his response will be telling

Doesn’t the fact you’re dreading telling him something that’s right for you is telling?

You’re allowed to make choices for yourself and having him not move in is the right choice. If you’re dreading telling him that, listen to what your gut is telling you.

If he sells his house and shares the equity with you after moving in, you’ll have no choice but to sell your own home if you split up. Don’t do it!

put living together on hold

What occurs to me, OP is that what you had wasn't even an argument. You were talking about something completely normally and he suddenly flew off the handle into a screaming rage and made vile accusations about you.

Honestly, he sees he has got away with it once, it will happen again and again, with increasingly short intervals. He is an abuser. Look after yourself and get rid. He is already training you to be scared to bring things up, eg the selling of his house.

Relationships should bring joy and stability. Communication with your potential life partner shouldn’t be this hard. I’d call it a day. You deserve so much better. Don’t damage your mental health further with this man.

Fuck that. You've only been together for 18 month. The first 2 years are really as good as it gets. This, he isn't going to get better by moving in with him. He's abusing you, treating you, calling you names and blaming it all on you. @timeismymedicine you can't polish a turd. Run in the opposite direction..

Your fear of even talking to your partner shows what a terrible relationship this is. Finish it and free yourself

Gosh so many similarities with my ex. He also was overly intense in the beginning and somewhat put me on a pedestal. Before his mask slipped, he too was desperate for us to sell out respective houses and buy a property together. I was trying to be sensible like you and advised maybe rent his or mine to start with to ensure we were compatible living together 24/7 and he also got agitated and despite it being a sensible idea just wouldn’t entertain it yet unable to explain why not. He even started mentioning only needing one car as we both had our own and it was just all too unsettling for me. Of course as my earlier post mentioned I ended up walking away from him but interesting how similar to your partner my ex was. And he also seemed to ‘save up’ supposed things I’d done wrong just insane things like not telling him I missed him enough or a little late to message back. Honestly, it never gets better - just escalates if anything with these types of men unfortunately.

So he hasn't taken any responsibility at all for his behaviour. He has put all the responsibility and thinking on you. It's your job to tell him what will make things better and what he needs to do. Really he wants you to rug sweep and STFU.

He sounds hideous. I’d leave this relationship if I were you OP. You’re on a hiding to nothing with it, he won’t change, he’s too damaged beyond repair.

I thought you guys were like 20 until you said 50s.

Do not move him in. He's thinking it's a sure thing and he got comfortable and let his mask slip. You just got served the other side of him, the hair trigger temper and abusive side.

Yes, he's a cup of shit tea. You're coming out of the honeymoon period and now you're going to be afraid of him losing it over nothing.

Dump him.

Woman up and get rid....
If you tolerate this behaviour now, he will push and push at your boundaries.
You need to finish this relationship.

If you are nervous of bringing up ANY topic of conversarion in a relationship, it means you are scared of his reaction. That is not good... not good at all.

From a wise woman of Mumsnet a long time ago...

" When you find yourself moderating everything you do or say to try to manage his reactions - you are in an abusive relationship."

I think he’s the one who has shown you a red flag and you’d be wise to call it quits!!

OP, you sound very nice - thoughtful, kind, intelligent, and I have a gut feeling that there is someone out there much better for you, and you can do so much better. Please don't endure another abusive relationship. End this one, there is much better for you without it. I would just tell him you are taking him up on what he said, and its over. Then block him. 🌺

I am really concerned that you are thinking of continuing this relationship even if you are thinking of putting off moving in together. He sounds absolutely fucking awful. Why on earth would you even consider letting a man like this into your home? The other thing is that I really do think if you do live together and he basically spends his equity then you are absolutely screwed in terms of getting rid of him afterwards. But I wouldn't go that far. I would end it today and tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

He has been a lovely partner up until this.

In relationships, it's not about how they start, it's about what they continuously show. This man is showing you he has an abusive side. Don't let the person he was in the beginning lull you into a situation where you keep getting hurt by the person he has become.

Minimum standard is a kind partner who is not critical or contemptuous and who you can talk to. His is 0/4. It doesn’t feel right because it isn’t.

This will end in tears.

So the equity is ‘ours’ Does he expect your house to be ‘ ours too.
That alone would be a red flag even without the nastiness. Grown up should know how to disagree without insult and bullying

Defo red flags all over the place here op. He has kept it in check up to now, but you have now seen him as he really is. If you want to continue the relationship, do it from the safety of your own house. Do not move in with him, or pool resources. As you say, talking to him in this vein and seeing how he responds will be telling and may well tell you everything you want to know..

Do not take things any further, you deserve so much better

Dump. Now.

the issue as well I’m thinking is his needs will always trump mine as he has so much anxiety and distress over his upbringing.

actually used the ‘you don’t want me to move in with you’ line again during that conversation I have just remembered now and said I don’t want him and was showing very high anxiety levels during the conversation ….
@timeismymedicine

Is it anxiety though?

I was expecting the phrase "his needs will trump mine because.." to end differently.
Due to selfishness, entitlement, self absorbed abusive behaviour. Not anxiety.

"You don't want to move in with me" could come from anxiety, but it could also come from an inflated sense of self, and how dare you not want him to move in with him. How dare you not give him what he wants.
Calling you a princess, threatening to leave, threatening to continue being abusive, these things don't scream anxiety to me.

Even with anxiety, it's not a license to abuse.

How is he at work, with friends, neighbours?

Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% st still a cup of st tea??

No one wants even 1% of sh*t in their tea, if this is the analogy you're going for then I think you already know deep down his behaviour is concerning and you don't want to put up with it.

So many red flags here. Please tell him tomorrow that the move is permanently off the table and leave. It's OK to change your mind. You're only 50 there are better, non abusive men out there.