I need a good rant - advice also helpful!

[Sunflowers67]

So, we have been together about 15 years now - living together for 14 of those.
I always knew he was a little 'quirky' but I suppose with family, friends, busy career, I was able to handle it better.
Now, we are both semi retired, my dad passed away so my mum lives with us (not easy, but what else can an only child do), the kids have left home and his 'quirky' little ways are far more noticeable, annoying and darn right hurtful at times.
We are also due to get married in two weeks and I don't think I'm gonna do it. It wont bother him if we don't, he'll just shrug his shoulders and carry on as usual. He wont leave our home or threaten to end the relationship - he never does. Sometimes I wish there would be a huge display of emotion and anger and then we can both just shout at each other, get it out of our systems and then communicate and repair. But he doesn't communicate, he never sees a problem and I am increasingly becoming immune and unfeeling towards him - I suppose its a form of self protection.
We have separate bedrooms, seperate interests and I would say we have lived together like two mates for years - except I don't treat my mates like this.

So, what does he do that is so bad? he doesn't drink much, he is not a cheat, he is not secretive, he would help anyone (except me), he tolerates my mother living with us, he gets on well with my grown up kids (he chooses not to see his family).
He has no emotions, he cannot 'read a room', he doesnt know when I am sad or worried or down as he cannot recognise body language or facial expressions. I have felt for quite some time that he is maybe autistic (his son is, which is why he chooses not to see him - he cant handle the skewed thoughts and strange behaviours from him and never did when he was a small child - the boy was raised by his alcoholic mother, we tried for custody but because we didn't get it, my other half then decided to not see the boy).
Not my style of parenting, but it was his choice.
Now, as we are getting on in years and my health has taken a down turn, I need his support and understanding more. And it isn't there. But then it never was.
I spend my days doing my own thing around the large property that we have - if we try and do something together, gardening, cleaning, maintenance, he just gets frustrated that I'm not doing it his way! So we work separately.
Many a time I have tried to talk to him and he takes it so personally, gets angry, wants very specific examples of how his behaviour has hurt me - and even if I do remember specifics, he then disputes it and turns it all around so as its me with the problem.
Then I am the one more upset, the one staying in my room wondering how my life amounted to this? And what dooes he do whilst I'm upset? He is carrying on as normal, in his own little world. He'll put some music on, he will sing and whistle and be merry. I suppose in his mind, this is me being me - moody, upset and I will snap out of it in a few days. Which I do. The hurt dissipates a little so I carry on functioning normally again - I will talk to him, I will get busy and then round we go again. Same old same old.
I have given up trying to talk to him, I know it does no good. I have tried to get us into some counselling but no where near me does 'couples counselling' - he is willing to go if I find somewhere. He is probably hoping that a counsellor will point out 'the error of my ways'.
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't bother him that we are like this - that he is not upset, he doesn't try to talk to me about us, there is just nothing there with him.
I am upstairs now, typing this, and I can hear him downstairs singing away, happy and joyful. I feel like I want to go downstairs and hit him with the large skillet and scream 'feel that buster?!' - I wont, I'm not a violent person. But god does he bring out the worst in me.

Going our separate ways is probably the best option but its quite a scary thought to go it alone after 15 years - and then splitting all the assets, looking after mother, tending to this large place/or even having to sell it and split the proceeds, lawyers. He also would not leave the home so we would be living in more hell until everything was finalised and I am the only one that feels the pain of that.

I suppose I really want us/him to change. And I'm old enough to know that wont happen - been there/divorced that many years ago.

Thank you for letting me offload.

This whole thing about coercive sex was very helpful to read. I’m so sorry about what this horrible man put you through. You are finally seeing things clearly. One painful thing - besides the terrible pain of your body autonomy not being respected- is the mental games everything like this plays on you. At least now you are free from all this doubt and confusion and you can see things clearly.

You poor woman.

He is a very very dangerous man whom has clearly been raping you repeatedly for many years.

Please consider telling the domestic abuse worker and the police.

Give them the chance to truly understand the horror you have endured.
He must NEVER be allowed through your door again.

Society needs protecting from him.
Your nature is to protect him, but please try and accept that he is the absolute worst of rapists.

Raping you while at home in pain.
He is a horror and a house terrorist.

reported

Don't give a shit.

@Aranciaempathy isn’t your strong suit is it?!

As a survivor (and believe me it took a long time to admit that) of domestic violence I can see why you lived this life for so long. It doesn’t start like this, in the beginning he invests in your life, love bombs, it’s fun, loving you map out an entire future. You commit, he commits, then slowly before you even realise it’s happening toxic traits seep in. At first you look back to the beginning and think this is not like him, then one odious thing begins to become a regular pattern and before you know it it becomes part of normal life. You don’t like it but you tolerate it because on the wholes he’s a nice guy. Then they push the boundaries further slowly, making shit become the norm. When you realise you are financially, emotionally, physically tied to this bag of crap and you accept because what else can you do?!

it takes many times for a person who is suffering to break that cycle. And you have done this! You should be so incredibly proud of yourself. Honestly I kept going back hoping for change that never happened.

you are also in the worst part of the breakup, analysing your life through a lense of rationality which when you were in the thick of it you could never see. The police I found not the most helpful (not all sone were wonderful) and that limbo feeling of he is still connected to me financially etc. keep on this path and these connections will all eventually break.

as for fear, I am still afraid nearly ten years later but to make this part of my instincts rather than my daily thoughts I ensure I am safe by keeping all social media private, I moved away (I know that’s not always possible) I have never stepped foot in the town I last knew he was in and most importantly I live the best life I can, doing the things I want, being in control of my life.

everything you are thinking is absolutely part of the process of disconnecting from him, about gaining your life back x you are incredibly strong x

#lovemetomybones
Thank you for sharing that with me - you and everyone else keeps me going here! Arancia, maybe not so much but everyone is entitled to their opinion and of course there will be people that see this as my own fault - I cant expect them to be emphatic when even I have moments of blaming myself, when even up to just a few months ago I was sort of convinced (but questioning) just how depressed, helpless and in need of support that I was or he was or our relationship was. I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew something was very wrong and nothing made any sense. He knew me the best so surely he was right about me - I was over emotional, frigid, didn't care or love him, was a nutter, a c*nt and a mentalist. I drove him to drink excessively, I tried to control him with my demands - yes it was all me.

I am sure that in time and when I no longer live in fear, that it will become more and more clearer. I do know that there is no going back for me now - I have achieved the 'breaking that cycle' part and the only way is forwards and out.

I second this. He seems like a textbook narcissistic abuser. When they realise you're finally done with them and it's over, they can get (even more) nasty and potentially dangerous.

It took me quite a while to escape the fog with my narcissistic abuser. They make us doubt ourselves and our perceptions, and chip away at our self-esteem. But I turned a corner when I started learning about narcissism and coercive control. I realised he would never change. That he was incapable of true empathy. I got angry, and it gave me strength and clarity to plan my escape from the 'relationship'. I'm glad you are there now. The anger is galvanising. You are worth so much more than this. Am cheering you on.

I left mine after 20 yrs. I had no idea I was being abused until after I'd left. Like the frog in the boiling water. The view is very different from outside these situations than it is inside.

@Sunflowers67
your situation is almost identical to mine in every way except I married mine, please run as fast as you can. Yes you will have a year of difficulty whilst the house sale goes through and yes you won’t believe how petty and nasty he will get but by God it is worth it . I’m right in the middle of the process but a thousand times happier already. I am proud of myself for getting out and I’m finding myself again, you can too

I'm just lurking around here, reading posts, keeping my mind busy and trying to wade through the neck deep treacle that is my brain at the moment!
One moment I'm strong and determined and the next I question everything to the point of not being able to think or make sense of it at all. Maybe there are no answers or sense to it all, maybe I will one day just wake up and shrug my shoulders and just accept that he was a little (or a lot) skewed and there was nothing I could do about that.
I have a fabulous counsellor wo can help me to untangle my mind.

I have been wondering why I am not angry - but then I suppose if you are a naturally calm and patient person, not prone to anger, then it makes more sense that you would be hurt rather than angry. I wonder which is better? I think this is.

I feel very sorry for him too - such pity for an intelligent human being that would do nothing to help himself. Surely they have some insight into how they are behaving towards the person they love/loved. Or was I just someone? Anyone? More of a 'caretaker' to their wants and needs than an equal partner.
So what sort of fool does that make me for not seeing it until the damage is done.

Ramblings of a confused mind! I will go and scrub the oven or something instead and let my mind rest.

Have a lovely day everyone.

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say well done for seeing who he really is. He's a revolting, narcissistic piece of shit and you sound lovely. I'm so glad you're getting support and getting him out. Stay safe.

There is a dark side to codependent behavior—the “helper” gets a lot of powerful endorphins from being the very necessary rescuer of their partner. The helper type also spends lots of mental energy viewing, analyzing, planning for their prize person. Losing that is like losing s job caring for a celebrity. Maybe you hate them by the end but you have still lost the money, security, and psychic reward of caring for this famous person. We also come to crave the drama—will you nill you—like a firefighter or a shift worker adjusts to the adrenaline rush.

Flush the cortisol out if your system. Rage cleaning, cyclling, boxing are all good way of overcoming the adrenaline/attachment bond.

Men like this never really think of the impact of their behaviours more than they think about themselves.
He will have known how much he was hurting you, and he did it anyway. The laughing, cranking up the music, it’s very covert form of abuse because it’s goading.
Don’t feel any sympathy for this man. He has abused you in every way. The fact that your poorly mum lives with you makes him even more vile.
You are not weak. You are a loving person who could not fix a man who cannot be fixed. In all of this you have been caring for your mum and running a business - that makes you strong.
It is going to be a while before you can enjoy your freedom but that will come in time.

I really don't think people like this have any insight or capacity for change otherwise they would have changed a long time ago.

Please don't waste your energy feeling sorry for him. He's had a good run and it's his look out that you've had enough.

I bet myself out of shape to try and get it to work with my ex and it was impossible. My whole nervous system was screaming at me and I continue to ruin myself.

He won't process anything because he can't. He will find someone else to do it to until that runs out.

I woke up in the night with a thought in my head and I can't shake it.

I know he was a drug user in his youth/early 20's before I had met him - I dont think anything 'too heavy' whatever that means, although I know he smoked marijana and he did say that he had 'tried everything'.
I remember not so long ago, us having quite the conversation about drugs and how he was 'pro' and I was vehemently against. Apparently that was due to my "lack of education". Personally, I'd say that was due to having an education!
I remember saying to him that I would not live with anyone or be connected to anyone that was involved in drugs. He found that very frustrating and it angered him that I was "so narrow minded" and that it would be his choice and his life if he wanted to take drugs and how dare I dictate to him what he could and couldn't do.

Well, he moves in these sorts of circles now. He has access to drugs, he has said that one or two of his mates even deal drugs.
So, you see where my brain is going with this?

I have to admit to not being very well versed in symptoms of drug use but having done the old google of a few sites he has just about all the symptoms!

Aggression & irritability
Attitude and personality change
Lethargy & euphoria
Depression then elation
Concentration and memory problems
Problems with thinking & reasoning
Change in priorities
Bloodshot eyes, styes. cold sores
Sleep problems then too much sleep
Unkempt & decline in personal hygiene
Strange body odours
Dental and skin problems

I know he has had these psychology and physiological problems all along - just sought of lurking away in the background but there really has been such a marked increase in them in the last 18 months. Such a Jekyll and Hyde, very obvious change.
I did think he had a brain tumour but he wouldn't get help or talk to anyone and the suggestion was met with hostility and anger.

I don't know - maybe I am just trying to clutch at straws here. Maybe it would be easier (for me) if he was diagnosed with a brain tumour, or he was on drugs - the alternative means he detested me and our life was all a lie and I have to keep wading through this treacle that is now my mind.

Like you am not very knowledgeable about it, but I think it's very likely he is taking something. Some of his behaviour sounds unhinged.

Or you could accept he is not a nice or kind person, and he managed to trick you in various ways for so many years before you realised this.

Didn't his 2nd wife have to pay him off to get rid of him ?

just like you are having to do.

very very very clever man.

he gets a 3rd of a house and half of a business just because he managed to make you feel sorry for him.

It sounds like you are trying to come up with reasons to excuse his absolutely awful behaviour. It really doesn't matter if he is taking drugs, has a brain tumour or is just a nasty piece of work, his behaviour to you and latterly to your mum was/is completely unacceptable.

and one day he will find someone else to live off.

and one day he will be a distant memory to you, tho it will take you years to recover from him, and probably much therapy / counselling.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Does “I fell for a bossy, unpleasant, drug user” sound better in your head? You are clutching at straws to excuse him from his awful behavior and that doesn’t do you any good.

Think about housecleaning after you finally get rid if the former owner’s large,unpleasant , unhousebroken, dog. How much time should you spend thinking about the dog, or the former owner?

Just open the doors and windows, rip up the carpet, paint and redecorate. How and why the house got into that state is not the primary task right now.

# pikkumyy77

Oh for fuck’s sake.
Does “I fell for a bossy, unpleasant, drug user” sound better in your head?

😂Thank you - I needed and deserved that.

#OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

Yes - the 1st one stabbed him and the 2nd one paid him off. The 3rd one legged it - okay a few years later but better late than never.

I'm not having a good day today so thought I would update a little.
The short term protection order ended today so the police came to see me - it has been extended until they end the investigation/we have a court date - whatever the culmination to this sh*t show will be. Apparently these things can take a year or more - but at least I am safe for the whole duration.

I think it was seeing the police again has brought back the unpleasant memories so emotionally I am on a wobble.
I am doubting the abuse, I am questioning the icky creepy sex stuff, I am remembering the good times (and we did have loads), I am missing him! I am so upset that he didn't get help for whatever the problem was and help me to save our relationship. I'm upset that there was no effort on his part to listen to me. If you love someone as much as you say you do, why would you not want to make some self improvements, especially when you see how much you hurt them.

I keep smelling him everywhere - I will pick up a jumper or a coat and its almost like he is in the room and I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Its almost like I have a split brain/mind - one side is yelling at me that none of this was normal or right or loving & caring and the other side is telling me that he was right and I am depressed, unstable, mental, a fruit-loop. I've driven him away, I've ruined the relationship and I'm being dramatic. If that is the correct one, then I cant continue with this because I could ruin a man's life with these accusations? This is pretty serious stuff - surely a psychiatrist needs to speak to me? How does anyone know that what I am saying is the real truth?

I think I need to re-read everything - maybe this week of proper sleep, calm, peace and safety has caused some sort of trauma block or denial? Or maybe he is right and I am mental.

Darn it - I was doing so well. I cant clean the oven anymore - I've almost worn the enamel off! Fresh air - listen to the trees, have a good cry and then back to one foot in front of the other.

Why? pretty factual I would´ve said. People show us who they are and then we expect them to act totally out of the character they themselves have shown us.

So sorry you're feeling this way. Could it be that you don't want to believe what happened?
I think rereading your posts might help you to see the reality. It's not long ago you were too scared to go to the loo at night.
Does a protection order mean he's moved out?