Recent argument has destabilised our relationship.

[timeismymedicine]

My partner of 18 months and I had an argument a week ago where he accused me of triggering him with how I spoke to him during a random everyday conversation about sheds.
He absolutely blew his top and started shouting at me that I needed to go away and think about what I had done (said this on repeat) when I said I didn’t know what I had said to cause such upset. I started crying.

He went on to call me a princess and how I always got my own way said he asks nothing of me and I had just given him a red flag and if I wanted to see this side of him this was the way to do it! I was so upset and puzzled I immediately apologised. Said I would never knowingly say anything to hurt and upset him. He called me a nag. Several times used that word on me. I hate that word and he knows it.

We had been discussing living together in the future. I own my house and he still has a mortgage. We are both in our 50s and have been married before. He has disclosed a turbulent childhood to me a few months into the relationship and probably has an anxious attachment. I am the opposite and calm consistent in nature so this suits him and he always tells me how happy he is with me and I am his partner for life etc.

We have had possibly 2 other arguments in our relationship, where he has gone into full anxiety mode with closed body language aggressive fight or flight type of response where I am left a bit confused as I don’t know how to respond.

I have really tried to understand but don’t know the full extent of his past as he has clearly only shared what he is able to therefore I don’t know what actually triggers him.
He also said he was going to leave me and not return. He didn’t go as it happened but continued to threaten to. He told me to continue living in my own house alone and single! It was very hurtful and said in an hurtful way and I am still hearing his voice in my head when I think about the argument. I seem to be unable to move on from it.
He only disclosed his financial situation to me recently. He plans to sell his house and we have discussed him moving into my house. It is convenient for both our work places etc.
He would have a small amount of equity which he has said would be ‘ours’. It is not enough to buy another house.
I am now panicking a bit as I feel this argument has de stabilised our relationship and I’m not sure I want to live with someone who shouts at me, threatens to leave and just calls me names to be unkind. He works with people so is aware of minimising feelings, would have done training on managing conflict Trauma triangle etc. I appreciate this is different to apply in real life. He is usually kind and thoughtful and up to this point I was really happy.
My concern is am I over thinking it - or is the occasional argument okay? Is a cup of tea 90%tea and 10% s*t still a cup of s*t tea?? Any decisions we have made have always been together and I am mindful of being a team and working things out so saying I always get my own way was baffling actually.

I would really appreciate some advice. I have lived happily alone for 3 years before knowing him. Has he shown me who he is. Is this who he is? I have experienced an abusive relationship and don’t want to go there again but there hasn’t been anything much up to now that was worrying.

Do not move in with this man AT ALL. This is a huge red flag.

Your mortgage is paid off and his isn’t?

Just no.

Please listen to the other posters and do not move in under any circumstances.

Run as fast as you can. You don't need or deserve this. If you stay, you will look back and see this as the moment you should have left.

Finish this relationship now!!
Just that really.
He will become more rude, controlling & horrible after marriage.
You have been saved!!
Enjoy your liberation & get a dog or cat!
Good Luck!!

So my counsellor described abuse as “actions or words done with intent to control the other person “.
Verbal abuse includes name calling, shouting. Etc.

Financial abuse includes one person believing they should make the decisions on joint money because they think the other persons views / decisions are not reasonable ( even if there’s some truth in that) .

Physical Abuse and sexual abuse we have less problem recognising .

Please make a clean break from this man - you deserve better.
x

thanks to everyone for taking time to reply to me. I do believe I love this person. The nag accusation is so hurtful as he know it s connotations and how it would make me feel. He has been trying to be super supportive since this argument. We had talked about buying new furniture - where he basically had said whatever you like is fine with me. Then during this argument he spat out that I always get my own way! Plus he was present when we looked at anything and free to voice his opinion. So now I’m stuck wondering what will happen when we have to choose anything etc. He has really messed with my head.

Sounds like a lucky escape that this happened before he moved in. Keep seeing him if you want to, but any time moving in comes up remember this day and say no.

You love the person you thought he was. You're only just getting to know the real him. If he'd begun your relationship with these behaviours, you would have run. It is messing with your head as he is seeing what he can get away with. Confusing behaviour is a big red flag.

He has shown you who he is when the mask dropped. He is a walking red flag, bin him off immediately or be prepared for a life of hell, having to tread on eggshells.

You’re not taking anything onboard are you OP? Your update seems clear you will continue the relationship despite the huge red flags this man is waving in your face and the pretty unanimous responses on here.

You don’t love this man - you love the illusion of who you want him to be from the act he’s put on before the mask started to slip

Please re read every post on this thread and truly get what’s being said before you make a huge financial and emotional mistake.

If it's like this after 18 months what will it be like in 10 years? And living together?

@timeismymedicine from your last post, I have a horrible feeling you are going to stay with this man - in part because you fear his reaction if you tell him it’s over. This relationship has disaster written all over it - at this stage it should still be moonlight and roses, not feelings of anxiety, worry and confusion. He’s looking to move in with you and then the abuse will REALLY ramp up. Make no mistake, this is what will happen, we can all see the signs. At the moment you have emotional abuse, once he’s moved in it will escalate and the financial abuse will start. Slowly, yes, but it will. You will live a life of misery and shame. (Shame because you were warned and went ahead anyway). I sincerely hope I’m wrong and you remove him from your life, or at the very least, you don’t let him move in. Please take great care of yourself, maybe speak to Women’s Aid for more advice if you can’t believe the 100% on here you’re advising you to get rid of him.

Do you understand that we all start out by falling in love with our abuser, OP? I adored my ex and it hurt me so much when he behaved like your partner is behaving. But we still split.

Sorry OP but he dpunds controlling. He also sounds very keen to move in and merge finances. Why all the talk of finance at this stage. I think you should tell him to pause selling his house and that you dobt want to merge finances. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

I wouldn't continue the relationship let alone live with him. We are very close in age. Frankly, I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour not for a second. No even from my husband and partner of 15 years. It's okay to have a disagreement. It's okay to communicate your feelings. It's even okay to get a bit heated and frustrated but ill be dammed if a grown man is going to throw a tantrum, shout swear call me names and abuse me. I'd prefer to be single.

Oh fuck that.

You are not here to be anyone's verbal punchbag.

Carrying on a relationship with this man is going to bring you nothing but misery. Every poster has explained what you can't or don't want to see, I suspect the latter given your recent update. Are you really that desperate that any relationship will do?

Of course he’s being super supportive and loving - he doesn’t want to lose his ticket to the gravy train - until the next time he gets angry and abusive, which again, will be your fault and you’ll have to work even harder to make sure you come up to scratch and stop it happening again.

Yes, you probably do love him because the good bits are really good at the moment, but the balance will tip and you will be in a situation you could have got out of.

Please, OP, get out of this relationship, or at least put a stop to any ideas of him moving in.

You say that he’s uncomfortable with bringing less to the table financially, but it doesn’t look like that from his actions.

Actions which would reinforce this would be suggesting renting first to protect your deposits; ringfencing your own money in a joint house; keeping your property as yours and his as his but both living at yours; offering a prenup if you marry etc etc.

@timeismymedicine you're exploring whether he has ADD, CPSTD, anxiety etc. These are all the wrong questions to be asking. None of that matters. what you should be asking is why you're putting up with this. He has all the warning signs for becoming abusive. his mask slipped and now he's being 'super supportive'. No he's not, it's called the cycle of abuse, nice and nasty. He's got you trapped in one and messed with your head. Just let this one go and protect your peace of mind and mental health.

Jesus, why would you even consider staying in this toxic stew let alone moving in???

OP this man is manipulative, and very much so. NO idea why you keep on justifying his behavior at every turn. He is a head worker and a good one seeing he has you where he needs you.

He only sees you as a provider of his needs as harsh as that sounds.

Open your eyes and find your worth. Just because you can gauge out some remorse is only because he knows he will need to use it to reel you back in, and to do better at bending you to his will in future. This relationship will never end well for you. You are already broken by the way you react to his abusive behavior. Start seeing this for what it is rather than think you are obliged to safe him from himself.

You don't love this person, you love the person you thought he was before his mask slipped and he showed you his true self.

All of your posts are full of you trying to understand him being an abusive arsehole, and seem to be desperately trying to make him a victim who almost can't help himself.

If he requires help he needs to be on his own and finding it himself. You're making a rod for your own back by trying to excuse his behaviour.

The hills are that way...you need to start running!

I agree with this. Good analysis !

OP take the word “love” out of the conversation for a moment. Its too loaded and sentimental for the situation you are describing.

In reality you are involved with a collapsed, defensive, damaged, person who berates you at every turn for “triggering “ his demons. He is a grudge holder (against his past, previous friends and lovers, and against you). He is a calculating, transactional, “tit -for -tatter” who takes secret note of everything he “lets” you do or say so he can angrily demand some recompense later.

Sometimes he is “nice” to you—making simple gestures like “buy what you want” or saying phrases that mimic those you have seen in books or movies like “you are the one for me” or “I need you.” “Lets always be together.” But these gestures and phrases don’t reflect a deep, mature, other directed love for you. They are just tools and trucks to gain compliance and control over you. You can tell because as soon as he becomes angry or doesn’t get something he wants he collapses into sulky rage and throws them back in your face—“I was so nice! And you didn't repay me!”

These are all tools and tactics he uses to get his needs met. Look up narcissistic personality. Watch dr Rahmani. Stop thinking you can be the Anxiety Whisperer and fix this man by loving him enough to soothe his anxiety. A) Anxiety is only one if his problems. B) you are interpreting his body language as anxious when it is just as likely to be throttled, near explosive, trauma based rage. C) He refuses to recognize that his past trauma is not your fault and not your job to fix so he will continue to blame you for his lack of coping skills. D) this man’s problems are WAY above your pay grade.

All of your posts are full of you trying to understand him being an abusive arsehole, and seem to be desperately trying to make him a victim who almost can't help himself.

Exactly. 'Anxiety' doesn't make someone blow up at you, be nasty and call you a nag. Calling it that is some pretty cynical co-opting of contemporary issues and using them to get away with good old fashioned abusive twattery. Buying into his vague tales of childhood woe as some excuse for his behaviour decades later just makes you ripe for the taking. You felt the sting of that when you saw the real him and had that feeling of waking up. He's seen it too and seen his cushy future at risk so of course he's double-downed on winning you over again, and now you're getting back under the spell. But you didn't dream it. He was horrible. This is not love. And most of all, you do not need him - you were happy for those years on your own in your house that you own. Do not risk that for this man who despises you on some deep level, even if he hides it well most of the time and is playing the long game to get what he wants.

I have been thinking about this cycle in male/female relationships and I wish it would go like this:

Him: I am anxious!
Her: You should do something about that.
Him: No—you should do something about that. You would if you loved me!
Her: well, frankly, I don’t love your anxiety. Go away until you have fixed it.

Instead these aggressive, broken, men set themselves up as a fairy tale task asking you to slay their dragons and free them from their prison/past/inadequacies. You just can’t do it. Don’t even try.