Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

You really don't like women having a spine do you? Or, heaven forbid, being hapily single!

The alternative is the lonely life of a single woman, dumped by all her coupled up freinds and financial hardship?

Pull the other one

I am happily single, albeit with a longterm SO. We don't live together.

But I and most other perceptive people have seen over and over how divorced and widowed mature woman get edged out of their coupled social circles. It's practically a cliche.

I wouldn't put up with infidelity but I wouldn't unilaterally cut off someone's sex life and expect them to feel the same about the relationship, or feel they had to honour some long ago vows that at the time included a sex life.

Just saying that to some women it's a small price to pay to maintain their social life and their financial solvency. She'd hardly be the first woman in history to turn a blind eye.

Whatever you decide to do OP, please don't sleep walk into becoming his carer down the line. He has decided this is the path he wants to take so make your decisions for yourself accordingly.

Both partners should be able to make decisions about the relationship based on full knowledge of what is going on and what the other person's thoughts and intentions are. In this case both have failed to discuss vital information with the other (her, that she is no longer going to have sex with him, him that he is sexually frustrated and looking elsewhere). Both are at fault to a degree but I still believe that as she was the one who made the original (fundamental) change to the relationship (for whatever reason, choice or otherwise, which she also should have discussed with him) she should have been the one to raise the issue first.

It’s clearly a different situation.

Two healthy people in a marriage, one doesn’t want sex. The other does. Marriage becomes a sham as one is desperately unhappy and potentially looks elsewhere.

A marriage with two able but one unwilling participant is not a fulfilling marriage.

You were supporting your husband in his last months. It’s NOT the same thing.

I think you need to work through the scenarios of what will/could happen.

Option 1 - dont confront now: If you don't confront then he might still ultimately leave plus you have to live with the fear in the meantime. However, it means he probably wont leave until after the family event (I am imaging wedding of one of you DC).
I cant see that not confronting will cause him to stay if he was otherwise intending to leave, but will push the timing back. The benefit of delaying the timing is so that the [wedding] is not impacted by this but the downside is you have to live with the fear in the meantime and if he has not yet made a decision either way it gives them longer together with the risk of their bond increasing making it more likely that he will ultimately leave.

Option 2: confront now: If you do confront, there is a possibility of that bringing the affair to an end (and I would definitely be assuming it is an affair) as it will make him realise what he has to lose and also if the affair has not been going on that long it could nip it in the bud. However, if he was planning to leave but just delaying it, it could cause him to go before the [wedding], causing disruption to that.

If it were me (and ignoring the [wedding]), i would confront now as i would hate the uncertainty and (if i thought i might be able to forgive him if the affair ended ) it might give some prospect of staying together Only you can decide really how problematic it would be for him to leave before the [wedding], in which case you might delay the confrontation until after that.

It's entirely possible this woman who's recently divorced also has no desire to shack up with another man. He may be giving her exactly what she wants - sex and occasional companionship; hence they're both carrying on on the DL.

This is my thinking too, and I believe this stands at ANY age. No one should force celibacy on anyone.

I have quite liberal sexual views and I don’t see why he couldn’t go off and have sex elsewhere if he needed it, and stay happily married to you at the same time.

So sorry OP. I’m a little younger than you but if it were me I couldn’t live with this betrayal. Id feel undermined and humiliated and I couldn’t feel the same about DH any more. I’d rather be alone and at peace.

It was years and that wasn't what you said.

This. He sounds like he has a cosy life - meals and laundry and home comforts from the missus, sex from a mistress tucked away - to hell with men like that really. You say you have good friends and money to live independently. I wonder how keen his girlfriend would be to pick up the domestic slack in your absence?

I don't think living with the deceit and keeping up appearances is good for anyone's mental health - if he wants to openly tell everyone he's got a mistress, then maybe!

WTF !!!!Shes 65 so should put up with it ????
not a chance ! Have it out with him , calmly I guess but I’m actually astounded ppl are suggesting she just carries on !
he’s had the best of all worlds, does marriage and vowels not mean anything???

Same here.

Shocked at the amount of people saying to just accept and leave it because you are 65. My Mum and her friends are all 65+ and live full, exciting lives, some still work full time. They are not mere shells of people waiting to drop off their mortal coils. Cheating is cheating, the disrespect from the lying to you is not ok just because you are 65. Being older does not mean your feelings don't matter and that you should just put up with being lied to and disrespected by someone who is supposed to love you. You are a person with feelings, and you always will be!

If he'd had a chat with you and talked about ways to manage the gap in needs that would be one thing. But he hasn't. If he is found to be cheating, then that cheating is as relevant at your age as any age. I hope you get to the bottom of it, OP. Be strong, find strength is friends and other family members. Do not live in fear of being left, as that is how men get away with this stuff.

I completely agree. I’m 66 and I’ve been divorced 11 years. These have been the most relaxed, carefree years of my life without a man around. Why would a woman accept this at ANY AGE, just to keep a man and stay married? Disgusting.

I think it is because there are many women who have been through a divorce, and who know how painful and financially destructive it is.

Of course OP can do as she wishes, all people are saying is that it isn’t compulsory to separate if she doesn’t want to. What’s in it for her?

He might give her up if you are prepared to address the lack of intimacy in your relationship. It was not fair to decide unilaterally that there’ll be no more sex, OP. You were in the wrong there.

BUT he’s not going about things the right way either. Having sneaky meet-ups with a member of your social group is very poor behaviour.

And it doesn’t matter that you’re 65 not 25. It would matter if you wanted to be an Olympic athlete or a supermodel, but what you want is honesty from your OH! It’s not too much to ask.

The danger of turning a blind eye is that he’ll fall in love and leave, and then you’ve got no control. I wouldn’t do that. Risky.

I reckon he wants to be outed. Parking his car for all to see is totally reckless and so disrespectful to the op.

You must challenge him op, don't be a mug. If you both want to save your marriage you need to have a conversation.

Lots of opinions here saying everything’s fine and not to rock the boat but I’d be incandescent.
If he wanted sex he could ask and the other woman is absolute scum.
Big decision for you if you don’t want to split up but living with this kind of lie can erode your self-worth.
You could start to get interested in sex again if you wanted to win him back but I’d kill him first and hope he begged to come back second.

Do not talk to one of your adult children ! My dad decided to tell me all about his wonderful affair partner when I was in my 20’s. I spent a year or two being the only one who knew, it destroyed our already shakey relationship completely, I lost all respect and ended up pretty much not liking him much at all. Why do I still feel guilty for saying that 40 odd years later, he treated me so badly.

Please don't drag your adult kids into it!!!

I don't get posters saying not to upset the apple cart simply because your relationship isn't physical anymore. If he wants more, that needs to be a discussion rather than going down the route of lies, deceit and betrayal.
Collect as much evidence as possible before presenting it and decide what you want to do going forward. Agree not to rush into approaching him about it because he could shrug it off as "just friends" even though I'm inclined to believe if that was so, he could have been more open with where he was.. or invite you too!!
Good luck 💐

Of course he is having sex with someone else. You decided to not bother. So why be bothered?
You are 65 not 105.

🤢