Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

Life's cleary numbed a great many posters into having a reduced empathy and hard exterior, to focus on how to enable someone to act on their physical desires remote of the potential emotional cost. Thank god I'll never allow myself to fall into such a way of thinking.

Sex isn't everything. Most of us had a good number of sexless years post puberty and life was hardly depressing and empty without it. Life was fruitful and rich before sex and can continue to be without it.

Absolutely stunned at the 'just let it go' replies. I mean, wtaf, do you think because people are older they should live with being second best? Absolutely fuck that.

Confront him.

What is this ageist nonsense?

So she should turn a blind eye to an affair because she’s 65?!

Heard it all now!!

Do you think he didn’t know the OP has no libido? And do you really think it’s not something they’ve discussed/he saw first himself the impact if menopause on his dwife?

Do you believe that getting ill is unilaterally changing the nature of your rekationship? As in its A CHOICE and it could have been different?

Absolutely this!!

So would you see a problem if OP was 30s/40s and had gone off sex ?

There have been quite a few threads in here when the woman is younger and has the same problem . MNers normally say to leave the H as he's lying and unfaithful.

As I see it, unilaterally deciding a relationship is now sexless without discussion is akin to changing the financial arrangements of the marriage without discussing it e.g. deciding to make a large investment or take out an expensive policy without discussing it with the other person. These are things that significantly affect both people and need to be sorted out jointly, so that both parties can express their opinions and solutions can be reached jointly.

My father in law who is 70 just left his wife of 40 years to go with a 48 years old woman who was a friend of both of them through sport club. Apparent the wife refused sex, they drifted apart and he was bored. He has now loads of programmes with the OW to go travelling, spend time in different countries etc
Affairs and divorces happen at any age

i agree with that. All of it. People of 65 and over certainly do have affairs.

@emilysquest but he does know their is a change . He has simply failed to discuss the fact that he doesn’t want to go without sex, so they can decide what the outcome is - he has simply gone off and found his own outlet and not discussed those changes of terms with OP either.

@BlueTitShark whatever the reason/s for changing the relationship it should be discussed and options for solutions considered by both of them together. I am not presupposing why the OP does not have sex any more. It could be for all sorts of reasons (some potentially remediable and some not), and the husband deserves that discussion. She has every right to stop for any reason (and no obligation ever to "fulfil a duty" sex-wise) but she owes him that discussion about what has changed, why it has changed, and what both parties want to do about it.

How do you know he won’t?

I echo scrutinising your finances and confronting him. I couldn't just carry on as normal. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I'm 65 - absolutely no way would I accept my partner cheating on me now, anymore than I would have done when I was 35! Why should I?
So intimacy has fizzled out a bit - we hear that from many posters on here in their 30s who are struggling with young families etc... don't recall any posters suggesting that they 'outsource' sex to another woman!!
This is really smacks of ageism.

This!

And the lying? How is that ok in a marriage? At any age.

@Kubricklayer yep - it’s all become very transactional for some hasn’t it . I see it in the ‘I pay this, he pays that’ posts , blokes who don’t expect to step up and cover off the costs when partner/wife on maternity leave with little income-still expected to pay 50% etc - there’s not much teamwork going on with many posters- I wonder if cost of living has meant an awful lot of people seeing things very transactionslly rather than love and support - god forbid any of them get a debilitating condition or come to 64 and ‘go off sex” - best we can expect it seems is your H goes and finds ‘a friend’ or uses hookers etc - but hey you are 64 so ‘shut up and put up with it’ !!

One needs to be pragmatic. In one's 60s, options narrow down for dating, finances, job prospects, etc.

To some people, the social facade and financial security of a marriage are important enough to overlook discreet infidelity. If the alternative is the lonely life of a single woman (they tend to be dumped by their coupled social circle) and halved financial resources.

Plus the hassle of splitting Christmas and perhaps summer visits with adult kids, grandkids, etc.

Throw all that away on the principle of the thing, because hubs is getting it off with the neighbour lady for a few months? Some would, some put up with much worse. Pragmatism has to kick in at some point.

@Crikeyalmighty we don't know what he thinks, since she hasn't discussed it with him. If the sex tailed off gradually and she never actually made it clear that there was a point at which it wasn't happening again, there may never have been a distinct moment at which he thought "that's it, we need to arrange a solution to this now". I agree that he should have discussed his "solution" to the problem with her, but still think the onus was on her to raise the issue since she was the one who changed the parameters. He also may well have thought, since she clearly didn't want to discuss the sex issue, that she would rather not know about his "solution". We can't know that without knowing more about their personalities including how much the OP is prone to brush issues under the carpet and prefer to ignore them.

Probably “why not?” 😂

You’re a long time dead after all.

@BlueTitShark I agree- I actually did tell my H at 58 that I just didn’t enjoy it anymore and wasn’t prepared to have sex I didn’t want - and what did he want . If the OPs. H isn’t prepared to live like this he should tell OP and either they decide to have an open marriage or split up and he can see who the hell he wants - what isn’t OK is lying to OP and sleazing around behind her back

What do you mean "what were the women thinking"? Presumably they were thinking "I fancy having sex" (assuming it was all consensual of course).

Given that she’s interested in him and has made that clear he is probably enjoying having his ego stroked, she’s clearly got an agenda and it’s to become more than friends and he knows this and knows you wouldn’t like it because he’s lying to you about it.
I’d be giving him an ultimatum that he doesn’t have anything to do with her and if he doesn’t block her and stop seeing her I’d divorce him. He’s a married man and he knows what she wants.

I’m sorry but I am so surprised by all the ladies saying “well your 65 and if you’re happy otherwise leave it be etc etc) NO don’t do that !! And you shouldn’t care how old you are - you deserve the trust and loyalty any relationship brings at ANY point in your life - my mums in her 60’s and has been with my dad for over 40 of those years and in all honesty he’s treated her like shit (I don’t know how well you’ve been treated up to this point, decently I hope)many many times I’ve tried to get her to leave and if she came to me now and said that’s it I’m off in no situation would I say “well your in your 60’s now so what’s the point” talking to him is first point of call - you don’t have to go straight into it you could start by just saying “I’ve been thinking about us recently and our relationship and wondered whether you have the same thoughts/feelings as me” see what he says it could push him to be honest or lie take it from there watch his reactions and what he says - I’m sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation but do know you shouldn’t settle just because of your age x

What the fuck am I reading? Why are so many posters saying nonsense like "I don't see the problem" and advocating OP to turn a blind eye?

Why the hell should she sit there with her self esteem plummeting and turning a blind eye to him skanking around at this woman's house?! 😳

You might live till you're 100 OP. You're still relatively young and don't need to live with a cheat so if that's his game then once you know for sure what he's doing and if it's that then kick him out.

@Hadalifeonce so would I as I said earlier -

@Crikeyalmighty the difference between you and OP is that you talked to your husband about the fact that your idea of the relationship had changed into a nonsexual one. She didn't.