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Original poster

Finding courage to confront Dh

308 replies

confusedandupset99 · 01/05/2025 10:44

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

OP posts:
CheekyRaven · 01/05/2025 19:55

Bide your time, gather evidence,screenshot of where he's been on such a date etc.
Lying is not healthy in any relationship. It'll eat away at you and this isn't healthy

NameChangedOfc · 01/05/2025 19:58

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 01/05/2025 19:52

If she does that he's going to deny there's anything going on, or admit it and promise not to see her again.

Then he'll continue to see the OW or a new OW but with better secrecy. Even if he doesn't the OP will have to keep track of him forever to be sure which will be exhausting.

Anything other than divorce is sucking it up and carrying on. And yes, if she wants to suck it up good luck to her, a lot of people would.

Edited
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You could be right, but in my opinion, it's a cynical way to look at the situation. Either way, she deserves to ask.

Itsjustsodepressing · 01/05/2025 20:02

lifeonmars100 · 01/05/2025 13:17

Some very ageist responses on herer, almost as though some posters don't think people over a certain age are fully human.

Absolutely agree with this.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 01/05/2025 20:04

NameChangedOfc · 01/05/2025 19:58

You could be right, but in my opinion, it's a cynical way to look at the situation. Either way, she deserves to ask.

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OK, not disagreeing at all, then.

Gingertam · 01/05/2025 20:11

ReacherOMGyes · 01/05/2025 16:43

You really don't like women having a spine do you? Or, heaven forbid, being hapily single!

The alternative is the lonely life of a single woman, dumped by all her coupled up freinds and financial hardship?

Pull the other one

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I had a massive eye roll at "lonely life of a single woman" too. 🙄

NameChangedOfc · 01/05/2025 20:24

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 01/05/2025 20:04

OK, not disagreeing at all, then.

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You win 👏💐

BeaRightThere · 01/05/2025 20:32

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2025 19:40

@SecondVerseSameAsThe1st indeed- and the same goes for prostitutes, porn, sexting, popping yourself on ‘our Time’ and the whole gamut of shitty sleazy behaviour that it seems us post menopausal women with ‘less options’ are it seems expected to just be ok with - a previous poster mentioned’pragmatism’ - I get that, but being pragmatic many over 55s with no kids at home may be more than happy to manage with considerably less , may have cash of their own and not much like the idea of pandering and providing domestic servitude to a 60 plus sleaze .

A "60 plus sleaze" - or in other words, a man who still wants a sex life. It never ceases to amaze me how many women seem to think men wanting sex is inherently sleazy. It's a basic human desire. Fair enough, the OP no longer feels it. That doesn't mean her husband is in the wrong because he still does. Sex and sexual desire is not inherently wrong and disgusting and male sexual desire is not inherently sleazy.

Jiski · 01/05/2025 20:38

Yes they do. My MIL and her now husband both cheated on their partners around that age. It devastated both of their partners. Be prepared for the worst, speak to a lawyer and then confront your husband.

Numberfish · 01/05/2025 20:43

notadrift · 01/05/2025 18:30

Of course he is having sex with someone else. You decided to not bother. So why be bothered?
You are 65 not 105.

When was your affair?

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:06

Why is he a "sleaze"? As far as we know he is having sex with a mature consenting woman his own age, after his wife stopped having sex with him but failed to discuss it or the possible solutions.

dogcatkitten · 01/05/2025 21:07

Ask in passing, so and so told me he saw your car at such and such house/road on Friday, I told him he must be mistaken you were golfing that day weren't you? And see what he says, then if he denies you can add he seemed really certain and then doesn't so and so live around there? Just probe a bit. 60s isn't that old these days, if he's playing away you can still leave and find a better life, if you want to. Or you may be able to find your own friend to fill the gap if you decide to stay.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2025 21:11

@BeaRightThere that’s not the point - of course the bloke can go searching for asex life if he wants one- but when he’s not in a committed relationship - if that’s what he wants he needs to communicate to his wife who can then decide to open the marriage or tell him to bugger off- not go slinking around behind her back - at no point have I said blokes wanting sex is sleazy - the things I mentioned behind the wife’s back ‘ and expecting to remain married are’

Itsjustsodepressing · 01/05/2025 21:13

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:06

Why is he a "sleaze"? As far as we know he is having sex with a mature consenting woman his own age, after his wife stopped having sex with him but failed to discuss it or the possible solutions.

So you are justifying his lying and cheating by saying its his wife's fault?

If he wasn't happy in his marriage he should have discussed things with his wife and if they couldn't resolve things he should have ended the marriage.

Nothing justifies lying and cheating.

Americano75 · 01/05/2025 21:13

OP, has he ever talked to you about missing sex? I'm guessing not seeing as you say he 'didn't seem bothered?

So, instead of opening his mouth and talking to his wife who he's shared his life with he's just gone elsewhere. Who knows, maybe he still would have even he was 'getting it at home'. Either way, his behaviour is unacceptable.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2025 21:14

@emilysquest maybe sleaze is the wrong weird- he’s a philanderer /cheater though - I have no issue if he wants to go off like this but don’t leave your wife to find out like this - get some balls and leave -

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:18

No, his lying was not acceptable or her fault, I quite agree. But I wouldn't call it "sleazy", rather dishonest. I also agree that he should have spoken up. But she should have done so first, given that her behaviour/parameters in the relationship were what had changed, not his. She set the pattern for failure to communicate on important issues.

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:19

Cross post!

Numberfish · 01/05/2025 21:24

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:18

No, his lying was not acceptable or her fault, I quite agree. But I wouldn't call it "sleazy", rather dishonest. I also agree that he should have spoken up. But she should have done so first, given that her behaviour/parameters in the relationship were what had changed, not his. She set the pattern for failure to communicate on important issues.

Claptrap. He’s a sleazy cheat. Relationship patterns change over time. The one who’s not happy is responsible for addressing that as soon as they don’t feel happy. You're just enabling adultery with that nonsense.

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:29

Well I think the one who introduced a major fundamental change in the nature of a relationship is the one who should take responsibility for raising the way in which the consequences of said change will be dealt with.

BeaRightThere · 01/05/2025 21:32

Numberfish · 01/05/2025 21:24

Claptrap. He’s a sleazy cheat. Relationship patterns change over time. The one who’s not happy is responsible for addressing that as soon as they don’t feel happy. You're just enabling adultery with that nonsense.

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The OP changed their relationship without informing him. Relationship patterns change over time, yes. But the OP decided she was done with sex and didn't think it worth having a conversation about. He absolutely should have raised it himself. It doesn't excuse cheating. You say the one who's not happy is responsible for raising that - that is precisely what the OP should have done but didn't.

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:32

She owed it to him to be honest herself about the new nature of the relationship. He has been dishonest but it was also dishonest of her to just carry on as though there hadn't been a change and to not discuss it.

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:34

@Numberfish you could equally frame it that she was the one who was unhappy with the way the relationship was (ie sexual).

Numberfish · 01/05/2025 21:44

emilysquest · 01/05/2025 21:34

@Numberfish you could equally frame it that she was the one who was unhappy with the way the relationship was (ie sexual).

No, you couldn’t. You’re trying so hard to intellectualise something very simple that I’ve got to wonder what you’re trying to block from your awareness.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2025 21:44

And there are some very big presumptions by posters here that it had never been discussed/mentioned - OP doesn’t say that anywhere- - OP says on her opening post he didn’t seem that bothered! Maybe it was brought up at the time - and as OP rightly said’he didn’t seem that bothered’ - maybe this extra curricular activity has been going on for quite some time but OP didn’t register it and that’s why he didn’t seem bothered.

Numberfish · 01/05/2025 21:48

BeaRightThere · 01/05/2025 21:32

The OP changed their relationship without informing him. Relationship patterns change over time, yes. But the OP decided she was done with sex and didn't think it worth having a conversation about. He absolutely should have raised it himself. It doesn't excuse cheating. You say the one who's not happy is responsible for raising that - that is precisely what the OP should have done but didn't.

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Nope. All sorts of relationship patterns change every day. You’re not going to have a formal conference every time you both segue into watching TV every night instead of going for an walk after tea after the dog dies, or having a sit down seminar to discuss the preponderance of vegetables in your diet when one of you decides to eat healthier. But you DO have a chat about your happiness before deciding to commit adultery. Y’all are just trying (very obviously) to condone being a cheat.