Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

and?

@Numberfish
"If he wanted sex he could ask"

How do we know he didn't?

Good grief, the op is only 65 , she will hopefully have at least another 20 years of marriage to put up with this betrayal. It's not just about sex , it's also about deceit and emotional destruction .

OP, prepare for the worst and that it is likely that she will want more.

If that is the case he may well wait out the large family events.

Keep a careful eye on how often he is with her and if the amount is increasing.

Get to grips with all finances and get copies of all paperwork and have them out awau safely.

Confide in a good friend.
Do not go through this alone.

Also if he decides to blow up the family, do not protect your ADULT children from it.

It will be on him.
Don't hide your devastation and hurt.
You are entitled to be very hurt and upset at his betrayal.

I am so sorry.

Of whom?

I think I’d wait until the next time he goes over there and then knock on her door once he’s been in there for half an hour. I’d then say: please explain what is going on here and what has been going on for some time. Don’t say how you knew, don’t say you were tracking him. Just say that it’s irrelevant.

Cheating is unacceptable whether you are 65 or 25. That said, it is also unacceptable to stop sex without a discussion. But that doesn’t give him the right to go cheating anyway - but it may have been a complicating factor.

By doing nothing, you run the risk of him leaving in the future at a time that you don’t expect or don’t want. So I would tackle it head on now - otherwise it could either eat away at your self esteem or cause problems in the future.

It is likely that HE will want more.

But I agree. Op should prepare for divorce.

It is no fault.

Seriously??

I know, it's been an astonishing read.

She may well feel hurt and upset at the betrayal. But he is likely also to feel "hurt and upset" by her unilateral ending of their sexual relationship without any discussion.

If that’s what happened, I’m sure he does feel hurt and upset. But, instead of lying and sneaking around why didn’t he use his big boy words and have a conversation with her about it? Op is blindsided by this so I really don’t think he did. Should op have discussed it with him? Yes. Should he have discussed it with her, before shagging someone else? Also, yes.

Good advice. You have to be very brave though and get courage.

Why would he want more?

He's got one woman who will sleep with him and one who won't. Why on earth would he put the one who will in a position where she could refuse to sleep with him and he'd have no easy way out? The lesson he's going to take from this is not to commit.

Masturbation is NOTHING like sex…unless you’ve only ever had bad sex that is.

Some of the answers you've recieved are so bleak, OP. You absolutely don't have to accept nonchalantly that your husband may be in an intimate relationship with another woman. Even "at your age". I'm sorry but what fresh hell is this? You are married so you are owed respect, at any age, fgs! (I'm outraged at some posters, not you OP, just to clarify). Don't let the cool brigade gaslight you: find the courage to ask your husband what is going on. You deserve to know. Your marriage deserves respect and transparency.

To those of you on this thread who seem to think a 65 year old woman should just give up, roll over and accept a partner’s bad behavior rather than be on her own, I have news for you. You will be 65 one day, if you’re lucky. You’ll still have a sound mind, thoughts and feelings. If you wouldn’t accept this at your current age, you won’t accept it then.

It wasn’t a childish post. It was actually very realistic.

And yes, if my husband couldn’t have sex I would hope that he wouldn’t mind that I would need to go elsewhere. In my world it would be either that or no marriage. I would absolutely afford my husband the same courtesy - you only live ONE time. Make the bloody most of it.

I have a very healthy sex drive though.

The OPs options are suck it up or divorce. Asking him what's going on is exactly the same as accepting it.

@SecondVerseSameAsThe1st indeed- and the same goes for prostitutes, porn, sexting, popping yourself on ‘our Time’ and the whole gamut of shitty sleazy behaviour that it seems us post menopausal women with ‘less options’ are it seems expected to just be ok with - a previous poster mentioned’pragmatism’ - I get that, but being pragmatic many over 55s with no kids at home may be more than happy to manage with considerably less , may have cash of their own and not much like the idea of pandering and providing domestic servitude to a 60 plus sleaze .

I disagree.

How's so?

I don't believe that asking to know is the same thing as accepting it, at all.

Someone who thinks marriage is devoid of meaning without sex really has no business setting out their stall as some kind of marriage expert as you have done on this thread.

Lots of marriages do not involve sex for a million different reasons (illness, injury, disability, circumstances not allowing etc) and yet the couple remain powerfully bonded to each other, committed for life and deeply in love. How insulting your ignorant comment is to those couples.

I'm trying to think of people who are 65. A lot of posters on here are painting them as having one foot in the grave listening to Boom Radio or Sing Something Simple in their tartan slippers. .

Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing. Tilda Swinton. Andie McDowell. Kim Wilde. Shirley Ballas. Nigella Lawson. Not crusty old fogeys.

The OP might not want sex but it doesn't mean she's a dried up old prune.

Think about what YOU want OP not that selfish toad at home. If that is getting rid of him and having a fab life on your own, do it.

If she does that he's going to deny there's anything going on, or admit it and promise not to see her again.

Then he'll continue to see the OW or a new OW but with better secrecy. Even if he doesn't the OP will have to keep track of him forever to be sure which will be exhausting.

Anything other than divorce is sucking it up and carrying on. And yes, if she wants to suck it up good luck to her, a lot of people would.