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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

376 replies

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:09

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

OP posts:
Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 29/04/2025 15:53

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:51

Someone please tell me how to reply to comments directly I’m so confused

Under the post you're reading, click the 'quote' button 😊

Imonlyhappywhenitrains · 29/04/2025 15:53

Am I right in thinking that you have no kids together, you are only 29 and you work and do all the house stuff and cooking? And he's criticising your appearance?

Just because you've been together since you were very young don't stay with him out of sentiment/habit/fear. In ten plus years you will probably be kicking yourself if you do.

flowertoday · 29/04/2025 15:53

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry OP, your husband is a controlling and manipulative a**. There is no way he should be telling you what to wear, what you should weigh, which boxes he needs ticking. He should be ticking your boxes of being kind, being supportive, being a proper partner.
Sounds like he can't or won't because he isn't a good enough man or human being.
Seriously don't settle for this half life. You deserve more. Think about moving on if a relationship with him isn't meeting YOUR requirements x

Original poster
sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:53

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 29/04/2025 15:49

So, I assume he is perfect looking in every way? Dresses like a GQ model, has a 6 pack abs, arms like tree trunks, the perfect male athletic shape? Perfect hair, always in a perfect cut?

If any of the above answers are a negative, then your NVDH can fuck off and then when he does that, he can fuck off again and then a few more times for good measure.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't say those things on a daily basis. He SAYS them! Once a year, once every six months....it doesn't matter. Those are not the things you say to someone who you "say" you love.

You are making strides to get healthier and hopefully, you are getting healthier because you want to, not because you've been denigrated into it. I am in awe at how much you've accomplished with your health goals. WTG!👏

Show quote history

Nope he’s just not overweight has no idea what it’s like dealing with that your entire life

OP posts:
LadyMary50 · 29/04/2025 15:54

If you have been with him since you were 14 then you haven’t experienced what an adult loving relationship is.I’ve been married 20yrs(2nd marriage) my husband still tells me I am gorgeous even when I’m ill.I’m 74 now and keep myself in good shape ,get my hair done every 6 weeks but I do it for me.Even when I’m having a lazy day and slob around in a tracksuit he will be loving,also we are not joined at the hip he has many hobby’s outside the house and so do I that’s how relationships last the course.Never rely on a man to validate you that way lays unhappiness.

PoorUncleBarry · 29/04/2025 15:54

He's a cunt and you deserve a prince after what you've tolerated.

Actually I take it back. As I was told on here, cunts are rather nice as they have warmth and depth, something your H lacks. Tell him his penis just isn't up to scratch.

BigHeadBertha · 29/04/2025 15:54

To be honest, from what you've posted, you do seem a bit like if you looked in the mirror, you'd see his reflection instead of your own.

For ex., did you ever consider if you still find HIM attractive? Do you?

I agree with those who say you might have a much better life if you got a paid job, outside the home. Preferably one you need training for, something that pays enough that you could live on it if you had to. That makes you more confident and independent and more interesting to your partner. It also lets them know that if they don't treat you right, you can leave. :)

steff13 · 29/04/2025 15:54

Moonlightdust · 29/04/2025 15:38

He sounds like a control freak. Run.

Show quote history

Yeah, I'm wondering why she doesn't have any friends...

OP, don't waste another 15 years of your life with this twatwaffle.

Original poster
sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:54

flowertoday · 29/04/2025 15:53

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry OP, your husband is a controlling and manipulative a**. There is no way he should be telling you what to wear, what you should weigh, which boxes he needs ticking. He should be ticking your boxes of being kind, being supportive, being a proper partner.
Sounds like he can't or won't because he isn't a good enough man or human being.
Seriously don't settle for this half life. You deserve more. Think about moving on if a relationship with him isn't meeting YOUR requirements x

I feel like he’s been supportive since I’ve been on weight loss medication. I just didn’t think this conversation would come up again once I started making progress

OP posts:
Newgirls · 29/04/2025 15:54

I think sadly the relationship has run its course. You are enmeshed but really need space from each other to grow.

Pickledpeanuts · 29/04/2025 15:55

We are best friends

Would you treat your own best friend like that OP? If your husband gained a lot of weight do you think he'd be lucky that you didn't walk out on him?

If you are both working, why are you doing all the house and admin work too?

OP, you need to take a step back and think about whether this is an equal and loving partnership. I wouldn't accept what you've described for myself, nor want it for anyone i loved.

Unbeleevable · 29/04/2025 15:55

I think you definitely need to get out and make friends outside the home. Do you have young kids together?

Being close to your best friend/life partner/soulmate can be amazing. But it’s a lot of eggs in one basket!

I had a relationship from age 18 to 28 at which point I realised we had outgrown each other. At that point I got a terrible case of “the ick” and nothing he did would have made me feel attracted to him. I was devastated - I broke us up, and it took me a year to get over it. Sadly our friendship didn’t survive the break up. I have never, ever regretted it though. We were no longer right together.

I do wonder if your dh is feeling like this, in which case the kindest thing would be for him to end the relationship. Rather than flog it to breaking point in an effort to justify to himself why he’s “right” to split up and make you utterly miserable/destroy your self esteem in the process.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 29/04/2025 15:55

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:14

He’s not terrible though we’ve been together for 15 years I’m only 29. We are best friends he doesn’t say this stuff on a daily basis. I just don’t get how I always do everything wrong even I just want to make him happy.

He is terrible, though.
Nobody has the right to speak to anyone in this way, let alone the person who is supposed to love you.
You are being bullied.
Please take off those rose 'he doesn't speak to me like this every day' spectacles and realise what a horrid, horrid, mean, nasty and cruel shite he is.
You deserve better.
But sadly, it seems as if you are prepared to blame yourself despite evidence to the contrary. He will havexan affair yet blame you for not being good enough

Original poster
sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:55

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 29/04/2025 15:53

Under the post you're reading, click the 'quote' button 😊

Show quote history

You angel thank you I’m a dummy

OP posts:
mrsmiggins78 · 29/04/2025 15:55

Sorry OP but 'childhood sweetheart' has no value or meaning in real life. You are not living with whoever he was 15 years ago but the man he is now. You need to leave while you are still young/attractive and find someone who actually likes you for who you are. 15 years is more than enough to waste on someone like this and it will only get worse from here.

SetinTime · 29/04/2025 15:55

He's cheating love.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 29/04/2025 15:56

He’s emotionally abusive, you won’t meet any of these targets because he’ll move the goal posts so you will always be the underdog.

Youll never get what you want from him and just because you’re school sweethearts means fuck all in the grand scheme of things.

5128gap · 29/04/2025 15:56

You are quite right OP. Whatever you do, he will find something else to find fault with. I'm thinking it suited your husband very well to have you constantly at home, meeting his every need, so little self confidence you were 'grateful' to him for not leaving you. Now you're gaining confidence he thinks he's in danger you'll notice how much better you could do, so he's trying to make sure your self esteem stays low enough to want to stay with him.

Maitri108 · 29/04/2025 15:57

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:51

Someone please tell me how to reply to comments directly I’m so confused

"Quote" bottom left of their post.

Possiblyfamous · 29/04/2025 15:57

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:14

We are never apart besides when he’s at work. I have his location I know for a fact he’s not cheating.

You know where his ‘phone is…

BobbyBiscuits · 29/04/2025 15:57

It makes no difference what you do. He's saying he doesn't care about you or love you anymore.

You deserve a happy, free life. Not trying to impress some arsehole. Kick him out and get some counselling. He's a dickhead who doesn't deserve a partner.

Original poster
sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:58

BigHeadBertha · 29/04/2025 15:45

Have you had a serious discussion with him about this? Told him you are trying very hard to do what he's asked and have made significant progress and that it really, really hurts your feelings when he continues with the occasional put downs?

Then remind him that he should consider that his own appearance has also changed a lot through the years and that you don't fall over drooling every time you look at him either but that you'd never want him to feel the way he has made you feel.

If that doesn't resolve it then I suggest marriage counseling because it sounds like he takes you for granted and that is very serious and needs to stop. Adults get spoiled just like children do. Don't easily let him get away with that attitude.

But hey, if worse comes to worst, with your spiffy "upgrades," you'll be date-ready. If your husband gets smart with you again, tell him that.

In fact, that's another thing. What do you do when he disrespects and dismisses you? Put your head down and "vow to do better" AKA put up with his abuse?

so, stop that this minute. Give it right back to him. It sounds like a big mistake to continue to make him feel solidly secure while he makes you feel insecure and the two things seem to be working together. In other words, if you act like a doormat that is how you'll be treated by this guy. That's how he's operating, isn't it?

So try something different. Stand up for yourself and get his attention. If he says, "You could stand to lose some more weight," say "So could you and you could stand to lose the creepy attitude too." Don't let him feel so secure about making you feel insecure. Good luck with it. :)

Edited

I was in shock but yes I told him how have you not seen how much weight I’ve lost. You told me how good I looked the other day. I do these things multiple times a week to make you happy. He makes me feel like I’ve changed nothing and I’m not delusional enough to believe that’s the truth it’s absolutely not.

OP posts:
steff13 · 29/04/2025 15:58

SetinTime · 29/04/2025 15:55

He's cheating love.

I did consider this. It feels like he's laying the groundwork to blame his cheating on her.

pinkyredrose · 29/04/2025 15:58

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:37

We do everything together we have the same interests we are always attached at the hip doing things together. this is not our entire relationship just a once or twice a year conversation that’s why is so hard to deal with.

Do either of you have your own friends? It's not healthy to be attached at the hip.

Why the fuck are you doing everything in the house, are you happy being a domestic servant?

Horticula · 29/04/2025 15:59

You are married to the wrong person. If he truly loved you he wouldn't be making you feel like shit and criticising your appearance.
Why on earth are you doing everything round the house and he does nothing?

This is not a good marriage.

My son is a couple of years older than you and married, has been with his wife for 13 years. She has put weight on over the course of their relationship but he thinks she is amazing and looks amazing, I've heard him say that to her. They both work and they share chores, he cleans, washes floors, washes clothes, does gardening etc. That's all normal in a modern marriage.

I would be horrified if I thought my son was behaving like your husband. I would actually expect his wife to leave him if he did.

Do you want 60 more years of this? He won't change I can almost guarantee that.