My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

Does anyone remember a day when people have not thought at least once 'why are you so desperate for a man?'

Some people have been conditioned to make this the be all and end all to their lives. It’s less common now but still happens.

OP, you have talked a lot about how you would like to be treated and how nice it would be. Also the energy you put into treating this man the way you would like to be treated.

You now need to realise he will never reciprocate, and so the choice is now yours. Remind yourself every day that you are choosing to stay where you are not apppreciated, for whatever reason. Every time he criticises you, remind yourself that you are choosing to stay. Too often, 'doing nothing' is not seen as a choice, but reminding yourself that it is, also reminds you that you can choose differently.

Imagine putting all that energy you waste on him, into treating yourself well. Imagine the freedom of only needing your own approval.

The 'familiar' is often a trap, keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable comfort zone.

OP your posts make me feel really sad for you.

You need to leave this man, he will never treat you any differently to how he currently is, you are focusing your whole being into doing things to make him happy it is making zero difference. He is your whole life, you’ve been with him since you were 14, getting away or making any changes at all is going to require a huge amount of energy from you.

I promise you that being away from him and building your own life will help lift the depression and probably help the weight loss naturally, but he’s all you’ve known since childhood so it won’t be easy.

you say you hate people, what were you like before you started going out with him, did you have friends at school.

You should start by making small changes doing something that you want to do, for you, maybe get a dog as that will get you out of the house as well as giving you companionship.

Keep lurking, posting on mn, hoping it will help with confidence.

At this point it might be unrealistic to expect op to just leave a co dependent relationship just like that, but she can fight for more autonomy, money, self care, time and choice for herself.

In time, she might well grow in real confidence and decide for herself that the position of support animal isn’t something she is willing to continue. She is just 29 years old with her whole life ahead of her, what looks a lot like slavery to us , unfathomable as it is to us, this is all she has ever known - and it will take some time to unwind all of the conditioning that is keeping her there.

Op has taken the first step by posting on here! 💪🏻

You do all the housework, you cook, you do the financials, you look after your h. You tie yourself in knots making yourself look pretty for him and you lose weight for him.

And he’s still not happy?

He will never ever be happy.

Bin him. he’s not your friend. He’s negging you. You deserve more.

Read this back to yourself OP.

He is not on your team.

There isn't anything super about this!

It does exist, OP. My DH does all of this if I need him to - I do it for him, too, but the balance changes all the time according to what each other needs. That’s how a proper partnership works. He has never, ever said anything remotely derogatory about my appearance, not in twenty years - I could dress in a bin bag and he’d still tell me I’m beautiful, and mean it. And I look very different to how I did twenty years ago!

I think @Feelingmuchbetterspeaks a lot of sense. The fact that you’ve posted suggests you know something isn’t quite right, even though you’ve nothing to compare your relationship to. Do you love him because of who he is and what he does, or do you love him because he’s just there and always has been? It sounds like neither of you quite know what a mutually beneficial relationship feels like - and I say that not to be nasty, but just because both of you were so young when you got together and it sounds like he didn’t have the best role models either.

Are you in the US, by any chance?

You sound like one of these phillipino housemaids that blokes basically ‘buy’ to act as domestic servants with a side of added sex- get a grip OP , you may love him, he really doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t be so down on you all the time - he wants you in your place, servicing all his domestic and sexual needs and you are going along with it.

If he is negging you now about how you look and what your body is like now, can you imagine what he will be like when you are 55, have gone through menopause and have wrinkles and a flabby tummy which doesn't respond to working out? Bin him now while you are still very young (which you are) and get on with your own life, not "joined at the hip" to a controlling misogynistic dick. There is much better out there for you, I promise, even though you don't know it yet because he is all you know.

I think it's absolutely fine to take the traditional woman's role but...only if they are pulling their weight with the traditional males role. And, treating you with respect.

You say you constantly worry about money. Why can't he even handle that if you are doing everything else?

And he treats you like it's not enough even though you've busted your arse for him all these years.

Op some people are just cups with holes in them. No matter how much you pour, they keep taking and taking and are never full.

At some point you lost your self love. And that's heartbreaking. Because no matter how much you love someone, you always need to love yourself enough to walk away when they show they don't reciprocate that love.

You're not a household appliance, you're a person.

Please be your own champion and don't waste your life with people who are mean and don't respect you.

You'll never make him happy because he doesn't want to be. He just wants you driven mad trying to kiss his ass and always falling short. It's a trap.

Time to think about your own wants and needs instead of this parasitic persons. You only have one life, time to choose to live it for your own joy.

@sadfish19 - so he is 'insufferable' if you don't let him be right all the time. I'm betting he's insufferable at other times too - if you don't keep the house up to his standards, if he doesn't like what you've cooked, if you disagree with him or have your own opinion etc, etc. That is how he has trained you. You know there will be unpleasant consequences if you don't pander to his every whim, so you avoid that by forcing yourself to be the woman he wants.

But you are so much more than that, and you deserve to be a person in your own right. You deserve respect, care and love from your partner, not the worry of him being 'insufferable' if you fail to meet his standards. You deserve to be cherished for who you are, not exploited for all that you do.

He's nasty and lazy. I'd die of shame watching my partner do everything around the house. How pathetic.

Tbh ..you sorta talk like a slave 'i do everything for master, master is all, I need to wash his skivies and press them just as he likes. He's such a good master. Never beats me'.

It's kinda scary op.

You say you're antisocial but you don't seem so. Unsocial maybe is what you meant. But I suspect you see other people as too much drama because you have form for picking and keeping friends who aren't actually nice people. You've tolerated so much shit from this guy all your life that you assume everyone else is a prick too. So of course it's easier not to have them around.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's also conditioned you to being a homebody because he does shit like claims your friends hate him. And other tactics to cut you off from people who might be supportive of you realising he's a prat.

Abusers make you feel the world is suffocatingly small. Or, unsafe. And that you're choosing small for peace of mind. But the reality is you're chosing it due to their conditioning and you don't even realise it.

Do you actually have ‘the same interests’ or have you never figured out what your own interests are because you’ve gone along with what he likes? Do you actually ‘hate people’ or have you never had the chance to develop any social connections outside of your relationship? I think you need some therapy to figure out what you want out of life other wise even if you leave this relationship you could quite easily end up in the same position with someone else.

You woukd benefit from. Joining some classes exercise or otherwise just to meet new people and gain some friends.
Sounds like he wants you to be something you are not or ever going to be tbh.
Another vote for LTB.

You deserve to be with someone who would take care of you in return, if you needed it. To be in a relationship that is more fifty-fifty, day to day.

Look at the things he doesn't worry about, day to day. The things he lets you do, and doesn't lift a finger to help with, day to day. Ask yourself: would your life be harder without him in it? Would you have to do anything more? Stress about anything more? Or would it be about the same? Only, you wouldn't feel hurt because someone else isn't doing their fair share.

Is there a chance your day to day life would actually be easier if he wasn't in it? Are there things you're doing just because he wants you to, that you wouldn't have to bother with if he wasn't around?

I'm not telling you to leave him. None of us can tell you that. But I would suggest you think about what your life might be like if you did, and weigh up the good vs bad of it all. Let yourself really picture both possible futures. Not fantasies. Just the day to day of what your life would realistically look like, if you stayed, vs if you leave.

In the meantime, I'd start looking at ways to overcome your codependent side. Find a book, find a therapist, find a support group. Whatever works for you. You can't change your husband but you can change yourself - and if you do, you might find the way forward suddenly looks a lot clearer. You have an incredible ability to knuckle down and make changes. Just because your husband doesn't appreciate your efforts, doesn't mean others can't see them. You held down a job through depression. You're doing 10k steps a day! You're a doer. You can absolutely kick codependency, if someone gives you the right framework to apply yourself to.

And then DH can either rise to meet you and make some changes of his own, or you can reevaluate. But your head will be clearer and I promise you you won't feel so insane.

I agree. When your partner starts being critical for no reason or starting arguments..there is someone else in the background.
Op, start planing your escape.

Sounds abusive. My love, you deserve better than this.

Yep, mine was horrible to me. Wanted me to change my hair and weigh, to match his affair partner. Everything I did was wrong all of a sudden.

sounds like nothing you do will make it any better. He will only find something else for you to work on. Maybe the shoe could be on the other foot... you tell HIM what it is you don't like about him. Tell him he needs to shape up or ship out...I wonder how he would react?

OP
If there are these types of conditions on live, it isn't love.

If he looks at you and sees only faults, that isn't love.

You're doing the 'pick me' dance and it never ever works.

OP a lot of men are actually not safe to be in a relationship with a woman and this looks like one of them. He really needs to be living on his own. You need to understand that a woman does not need a man and needs to grow to become self sufficient in herself. I don’t agree with the traditional wife role for anyone, I think it infantilises women and is not healthy and not appropriate for 2025. He needs to be doing half the housework if you earn money. If you let him get away with not doing that, he will treat you with less and less respect. But in any case you should leave him as he’s really ugly on the inside. I actually felt ill reading your description of him. When you come into your own, in a few years time, you will be happier and stronger. You may then meet a mentally and emotionally healthy man but if you don’t, that’s fine too.