My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him

Why do you like him? He sounds repulsive.

You should do those things
Only
Because you want to do them
He is the problem not you

He’s hugely insecure and you losing weight and feeling good about yourself makes him even more insecure, so he’s negging you to keep you down and worried. Rather than noticing other men.

Id dump him for being so pathetic and manipulative.

His behaviour is manipulative and controlling. I know it is hard to see when you are in the midst of it, but listen to what posters are telling you.

I would bet any money that he has noticed you are looking fantastic and this is a way to keep you down.

No matter what you do, he will add more hurdles that you have to jump through. You are 29!!! I thought this was written by a 50 year old. You have so many years ahead of you, spend it with people who don’t make you feel like shit.

What am I reading
If this is real, where's your pride and self respect? He doesn't love or appreciate you for you. You've tied yourself in knots trying to meet his "requirements" more than most people would, and it's not enough.

You deserve to be with someone who appreciates and loves you.

Have you had a serious discussion with him about this? Told him you are trying very hard to do what he's asked and have made significant progress and that it really, really hurts your feelings when he continues with the occasional put downs?

Then remind him that he should consider that his own appearance has also changed a lot through the years and that you don't fall over drooling every time you look at him either but that you'd never want him to feel the way he has made you feel.

If that doesn't resolve it then I suggest marriage counseling because it sounds like he takes you for granted and that is very serious and needs to stop. Adults get spoiled just like children do. Don't easily let him get away with that attitude.

But hey, if worse comes to worst, with your spiffy "upgrades," you'll be date-ready. If your husband gets smart with you again, tell him that.

In fact, that's another thing. What do you do when he disrespects and dismisses you? Put your head down and "vow to do better" AKA put up with his abuse?

so, stop that this minute. Give it right back to him. It sounds like a big mistake to continue to make him feel solidly secure while he makes you feel insecure and the two things seem to be working together. In other words, if you act like a doormat that is how you'll be treated by this guy. That's how he's operating, isn't it?

So try something different. Stand up for yourself and get his attention. If he says, "You could stand to lose some more weight," say "So could you and you could stand to lose the creepy attitude too." Don't let him feel so secure about making you feel insecure. Good luck with it. :)

You are worth more than one man's opinion and praise.

Do you work? Do you have your own income? If you do, it will be easier to end your awful marriage and make some friends who value you for more than how fuckable you are.

You do too much! You do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry when you both work. Why do you think it's OK for him not to lift a finger ?
If he's happy for you to do it all by yourself then he has no respect for you at all and he will only take you for granted because he's been shown that you are fine with that.

Why are you constantly worried about making him happy? Do you have any friends, hobbies or interests outside of this relationship?
Sorry but it all sounds a little bit suffocating and enmeshed- a recepie for heartache.

The thing is op, you know something isn't right, hence the posting on MN. However, I don't think your quite ready yet to admit this to yourself. You've been together for a very long time, grown up together and have a very long shared history. You may have the same interests at the moment but it does sound as though this relationship has run it's course.
You've made some fantastic changes, even just for yourself, so don't lose sight of that, it's not for him hits for you.

Just out of interest, have you ever told him things you don't like about him? Even if you just picked something and didn't mean it, I wonder what his reaction would be and if he'd feel hurt or then maybe understand how it's making you feel.
Personally as I'm petty, next time I'd havw a small list on hand and when he brought it up I'd say I'd been thinking about it and I have a few things to say about him

Good luck for the future, hopefully you'll lose a stone by dumping this plonker

What’s he doing for you? If he ticking all your boxes (if you have any). Please leave this absolute bum stain of a man.

He is not your friend - you are just a convenient habit
He does not love you because love is respect and support

You do everything for him - how very wonderful for him. Of course he'll stick around with you looking after him and giving him an easy life. You are bending yourself into all manner of shapes to please him, appease him, prevent his cruel words.

This stands out to me so much "I have no friends or anyone I can talk to" 🚩🚩🚩why? why are you isolated?

With the greatest respect you got together when you were very young, you don't know a life any different. Do you even know who YOU are? Or are you only an extension of him and what he allows you to be?

This is not healthy. I am sorry you have been failed.

I’ve been so happy lately

Good. Continue being happy by moving on with your life. You've outgrown him and deserve far, far better than him.

Well done on the weight loss.

I'm assuming he's a Brad Pitt lookalike.

Don't let him dull your sparkle.

A decent partner likes, loves, encourages and makes you feel good about yourself
I was shocked to see you say that you check all the boxes he sets for you- this is not a performance review at work
I would say that he is a contributory factor to your problems not a solution

What's he doing to make you happy? He does nothing, while expecting you to act like some sort of trad wife from 1950 and criticising your appearance.

He's not your best friend. No best friend would treat you like this. You're not a partnership. Your relationship isn't healthy.

You met when you were literally a child, barely in your teens. OF COURSE your body is going to change. If he expects you to look like you did when you were a 14-year-old child, he is not only deluded, but frankly a bit weird.

Have you considered you were suffering depression because of him?

If he isn't making you feel loved, wanted and valued (I speak from experience) it can wreak havoc on your mental health especially if you make the mistake of having your self worth tied up in him.

OP, I will not defend how he makes you feel but the expectations you have described are my own rules for myself, I love getting dolled up every morning to WFH, I have a uniform of cropped jeans and a pretty top for Monday to Friday. Exercising, whatever works for you, serves you. Carry on with all the good habits he has pushed you into and find joy in looking after yourself for good. Forget about pleasing him. Stop being a martyr. Stop seeking validation.

I remember asking my DH if he would rather I was always happy or the house was perfect. He said Happy in a heartbeat. The man loves how you make him feel, not the hard work you put into it. Look after yourself without the need for approval and take it up a notch, so that he starves for your time and attention. You are worth it!

Hiya xx firstly I think he's a bit mean for saying that to you. It will take mind bleach and a lot of love to get rid of that from going round and round in your mind....

I'm not sure what the best thing to do, bar leave him, is. I would certainly be very hurt. I reckon I would really enjoy myself with the weight loss. I've loved it when I've lost weight when I've been feeling frumpy in a relationship. Its made me much more confident - so get back on track and own that confidence.

Then a bit of 'fuck him' - in your better headspace, I'd be playing more music, going out more, enjoying my confidence more.

I'd be dressing up more - BUT it sounds like you have your own style? Here is the sticking point - no woman can or should do any other style than the one SHE likes, whatever it may be. I've always thought that. I cannot be you nor you me. But I can be ME and I love my style - and the rub is that if he is not into that style, then he won't like it. But you must still be it. You must be you and if he still doesn't like you, then he has to go out of the door, friends or no xxx

So, I assume he is perfect looking in every way? Dresses like a GQ model, has a 6 pack abs, arms like tree trunks, the perfect male athletic shape? Perfect hair, always in a perfect cut?

If any of the above answers are a negative, then your NVDH can fuck off and then when he does that, he can fuck off again and then a few more times for good measure.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't say those things on a daily basis. He SAYS them! Once a year, once every six months....it doesn't matter. Those are not the things you say to someone who you "say" you love.

You are making strides to get healthier and hopefully, you are getting healthier because you want to, not because you've been denigrated into it. I am in awe at how much you've accomplished with your health goals. WTG!👏

Sounds like she doesn't have any friends because they are attached at the hip. She doesn't get the chance.

He sounds like an abusive bully.
LTB 100%

Someone please tell me how to reply to comments directly I’m so confused

Dump him. You are only 29. Do you want to spend the next 40 years feeling like this? The whole of your life? Yes it will be painful and hard, but this time next year you may have met somebody who values you.

I wish you the best. Don't settle for second best when you don't have to.

Get yourself a job in a pub in the evening, he will get chatted up constantly your confidence will grow and you will realise you can leave him, who taught you anyone has the right to put you down, keep losing weight be healthy and leave the house and meet new people, he probably isn't attracted to you as you've been.together forever but many many many men you've not met yet will be attracted to you, live your life it's very short

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