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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

376 replies

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:09

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

OP posts:
YellowRoom · 29/04/2025 15:24

What about this relationship demonstrates that you are best friends. Does he tell you you are best friends? This is entirely one sided - he's got you running round like a headless chicken trying to appease him to distract you from taking a hard look at your situation and seeing what an absolute bastard he is. He's scared you'll leave him and you should. Why do you have no-one to talk to? If you WFH and do everything in the house do you do anything for yourself. Is he the same age as you?

If I repeatedly punched you in the face but said we were best friends, would this be reasonable?

Chazbots · 29/04/2025 15:25

It's abusive to have a checklist for someone else to meet. You have a choice too and this is very much a case of he tells you to jump and you ask how high and then try to meet those ever moving targets.

Get a grip and leave the git.

blankittyblank · 29/04/2025 15:25

This is really sad. The first lines alone are really sad.
Why are you surprised your husband didn't leave you when you put on weight and were depressed? Why do you assume he should have? Neither of those two things combined are a reason for someone to leave.
And why the hell are you doing everything for him?! The relationship sounds very unequal. The fact you've been with him since you were 14 is more reason than ever to leave!

Perimama · 29/04/2025 15:27

Please ditch him. No best friend treats you like this.

paranoiaofpufflings · 29/04/2025 15:27

You’ve explained it yourself at the end of the post “nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me”.

You can go on for years like this, him making demands, you doing exactly what he wants, him telling you that it’s not enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

He doesn’t love you. If you are in love with someone you find them attractive in a dressing gown. Ok, not all the time, but the attraction isn’t based on clothing or hair or type of exercise, it’s just there.

You say you have been happy lately and feeling good about yourself - this is great! Hold on to that feeling. It’s so important to value yourself.

If I were you I would begin the process of separating. You could live the rest of your life on your own terms, valuing yourself, not being put down by someone else, not being criticised and insulted. You have self-confidence and you have a job, perfect start. What is your financial situation like? Do you have your own money? Do you have anywhere to move to, or the financial resource to move? Would you ask him to leave?

ticktickticktickBOOM · 29/04/2025 15:28

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:09

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

Oh tell him to stick it up his arse.

What a twat.

I bet you're gorgeous.

(I accidentally quoted the OP - unforgivable and I can't remove it - soz!

nopineapplepizza · 29/04/2025 15:29

Why do you do all the housework?

Why do you do all the cooking?

Why do you manage the family finances alone?

You work, the same as him. ALL other household chores should be split 50/50.

Tell him that you find him too fucking lazy and disrespectful to be with anymore.

He’s not your best friend, he’s a misogynist arsehole that no other woman would want, while you sound like a catch.

NetflicksAndSleep · 29/04/2025 15:29

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:14

He’s not terrible though we’ve been together for 15 years I’m only 29. We are best friends he doesn’t say this stuff on a daily basis. I just don’t get how I always do everything wrong even I just want to make him happy.

He’s not your friend. He doesn’t even seem to like you at all. And yes, he is terrible. Really, really awful.

SpikyCelia · 29/04/2025 15:30

I had an ex dh like this. Anything he wanted me to do to meet his 'high standards' I did. The day I realised that this wasn't him 'caring' about me, but was more about sadistic control, was the day I started planning to leave, because I realised that when ever I met his demands, there would be the next one waiting in the wings. It was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. I left with my baby under one arm and a bag of clothes in the other, and then spent the next couple of decades rebuilding my life from the bottom upwards. .... I wish Mumsnet, and all it's wise mumsnetteers had been around then, but this was the 1980's and there wasn't even the internet! Listen to all of their wise words and reclaim your life. Good luck.

Nevermind91 · 29/04/2025 15:34

Best friends don't make each other feel sad.

tsmainsqueeze · 29/04/2025 15:35

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:14

He’s not terrible though we’ve been together for 15 years I’m only 29. We are best friends he doesn’t say this stuff on a daily basis. I just don’t get how I always do everything wrong even I just want to make him happy.

You don't do everything wrong , he is being very unreasonable , you cannot maintain this pressure to look his idea of 'good'.
Best friends don't make you feel like shit and what about him making you happy.

LifeExperience · 29/04/2025 15:36

He's not your friend and he shouldn't be your husband.

topcat2014 · 29/04/2025 15:36

Gosh, what's he going to say to you when you are mid fifties?

Original poster
sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:37

We do everything together we have the same interests we are always attached at the hip doing things together. this is not our entire relationship just a once or twice a year conversation that’s why is so hard to deal with.

OP posts:
jolota · 29/04/2025 15:37

He sounds absolutely horrible and you've not said anything that indicates there are redeeming qualities.

Moonlightdust · 29/04/2025 15:38

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:37

We do everything together we have the same interests we are always attached at the hip doing things together. this is not our entire relationship just a once or twice a year conversation that’s why is so hard to deal with.

He sounds like a control freak. Run.

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 29/04/2025 15:39

He is not your best friend if he is saying things like that.

It’s not the 1950s, you don’t have to keep house while wearing a dress and a full face of makeup to keep some sexiest pig happy.

You have been with him since you were a kid and sounds like you have not experienced a healthy, respectful relationship.

Maitri108 · 29/04/2025 15:39

sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:37

We do everything together we have the same interests we are always attached at the hip doing things together. this is not our entire relationship just a once or twice a year conversation that’s why is so hard to deal with.

Is this your half yearly appraisal? Do you give him a check list of things you want?

HeySugarSugar · 29/04/2025 15:41

I’ve put on a huge amount of weight since my dh and I got together - while he supports my endeavours to get healthy he has never once made me feel shit about myself.

I’m sorry but your dh is not the man you think he is - he’s controlling and unpleasant and you could do so much better. Why does he not lift a finger to help? That’s a shit move straight away? Who the fuck does he think he is? I would get some counselling and get your ducks in a row - in a year’s time, when he’s a spec in your rear view mirror, you’ll look back and wonder how you ever set your standards so low x

ELMhouse · 29/04/2025 15:41

The op isnt even reading or directly replying to any responses im not 100% sure this isnt some sort of bot.

Iamnotalemming · 29/04/2025 15:41

He sounds controlling. Like he doesn't want you to feel confident and happy in your appearance, but preferred you depressed and feeling grateful to have him and compliantly doing all the household jobs in a dress and lipstick.

Gently, fuck that.

Jk987 · 29/04/2025 15:41

I can’t believe this is really happening! What does he do to make himself attractive to you?

Why the hell doesn’t he do anything around the house? A good wife does not do all the cooking and cleaning, she shares the load and takes time for herself and her own friends and interests.

Try and boost your confidence and you will believe that you are worth more.

JadedVeryJaded · 29/04/2025 15:42

Fuck that for a life OP. Tell him to fuck off

bizzylizzy87 · 29/04/2025 15:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Original poster
sadfish19 · 29/04/2025 15:42

I don’t know how to use this app how do I reply directly to comments directly??

OP posts: