My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

OP you have to understand that it doesn’t matter what you do he will find fault with you. Just leave him.

If thats not going to happen I want you to write a list of boxes for him to check. I.e. doing more around the house, his appearance, the way he speaks to you. Stop trying to meet his needs and think about whether he is meeting your needs instead. And for godsake go do something by yourself. You are probably thinking you don’t want to do that but trust me once you do you will feel a bit free and will actually enjoy getting away from his gaze.

I just think once I lose enough weight I’ll be attractive enough to where he can’t make these complaints anymore. And either way if it’s not enough and least I made myself better for someone else.

Ah pet I wish I could give you a hug and make you believe just how special you are. This man is not good for you, he is undermining your confidence and making you reliant on his opinion to feel good which is nonsense. You are taking steps to improve your health and appearance but it's not enough for him, that's not how good men behave. I'm married 17 years, I've gained weight and aged considerably in those years and my husband still tells me regularly how well I look, I was sitting reading a few nights ago and he was watching me and just said 'you're very pretty', it was a lovely thing to say considering I needed to wash my hair, was wearing gardening clothes and certainly didn't feel pretty, that's what a man should be doing, not giving a list of faults.

I can’t find the comment but whoever said it was my bi yearly appraisal was spot on it’s exactly how it feels. I almost think he set a reminder how did he almost hit 6 months on the dot?

How can you both be in love if he's making comments about your appearance? Your husband should love you whatever you look like. It's not normal to be dolled up every day just to please him. I'm sure he's not an oil painting.

You've been with him since you were a child, and that may be why you aren't utterly outraged at what he's doing. He's made this seem 'normal' or OK.

It isn't OK. You say you're 'best friends'. But you don't have any other friends, so how do you know how a best friend acts? How can you say he acts like a best friend? I can tell you that best friends don't say unkind things, don't undermine each other, don't control what the other wears or how they live their life. Best friends build each other up, support, make each other feel better.

You shouldn't have to 'check boxes'. You shouldn't have to wear dresses or make up if you don't want to. You shouldn't have to pass a series of tests every day just to make your husband happy.

If he loves you, really loves you, he will love you in leggings and a sloppy jumper. He'll love you with your hair uncombed, and bare faced. He'll be proud of your weightloss and encourage you if you want to do more. He'll tell you he loves you no matter what your weight is though.

Even if he's perfect the rest of the time, twice a year is twice too often for him to be unkind and judgemental. But it's more than twice a year, isn't it? You're living on eggshells every day while you check off his tick list of what makes a perfect wife.

And what does he do to be perfect for you? Have you given him a list? Does he jump through hoops to please you? Does he worry about being loveable?

Finally, I'm not saying he's having an affair, but 'only leaving the house to go to work' doesn't mean he can't be having an affair. The most common place for affairs, I believe, is in the workplace.

You are worth more than this. You deserve a loving and supportive husband. Please take steps to build up your self esteem. You will feel better about yourself, stronger to deal with his unpleasantness, and will hopefully see you deserve better.

And please confide in someone, like your parents. If my DD told me what you've said here, I would be encouraging her to leave, and offering all the help I could give to make it happen.

Use the "Quote" button!

That's the spirit. Get your exit all planned out.

I'm assuming you put this weight on when you were depressed? When you were depressed how did he support you? My partner put on about 4 stones when he was depressed. It's hard, but I supported him through it all, and he got better and fitter over time. I wouldn't have left him because of it.
Also you say you do everything together. This sounds like either you're co-dependent (or possibly you're dependant on him), or more likely, he is controlling you and keeping you close.

@sadfish19 you make yourself better for YOU. Not your DH, not anyone else, but yourself.

He is manipulating and undermining you so you stay with him pure and simple. He is intimidated by the new you, knows you look great, so he will keep chipping away to
ensure you lose that hard won confidence.

couples counselling is my suggestion.

He's not your friend. He doesn't love you.

A friend would have congratulated you on your decision to lose the weight. A friend would not have criticized you or picked you apart as you embarked on your self improvement journey.

A man who loved you would not speak cruel words to you. He would be happy for you that you're achieving your goals, and he wouldn't carp about walking vs working out, or make you feel you had fallen well shirt of his standards. The effing prick...

No wonder you were depressed. You are dealing with a critic and a heckler, an underminer and a danger to your confidence and self esteem. He wants you to feel inferior to him. He wants to see you working for his approval. Your relationship is nothing more than a power trip for him, a means of feeding his ego.

Do you have the financial resources to get therapy for yourself? If you do, please book yourself in for therapy that will build up your self confidence and help you to see this mean spirited man for what he is - someone who doesn't deserve you.

Oh absolutely not.

You're doing amazing and deserve so much better.
Who dresses like they're going to the office while wtf 🤦‍♀️

Time to leave darling x

Op what caused you to gain that amount of weight, were you stressed and comfort eating?

As my dad always said, you get one life, make it the happiest one.

Don't waste your one life like this.

It feels like he despises you but he enjoys about much control he has over you. He’s wearing you down until you blame yourself for the marriage ending

Do not go to couples counseling with this man. What he's doing is emotional and psychological abuse.

And this is why you are depressed and don't want to leave the house

@sadfish19 . I can see you still have hope for your marriage and I hope you are right and it all works out for you. I’m going to add a but and it’s a big one…if you find yourself worrying when he comes home what he’s not going to be happy with, or are trying to change your looks, behaviour, housekeeping to lessen his criticism or gain his approval then please stop and think again. No-one should feel anxious of their life partner making them feel less than they are.

Perversely in this situation ‘improvement’ in an attempt to assuage criticism from one’s partner often leads to further critique and disdain from the other and so on and so on until one is crippled with self doubt or both sides loath each other.

There are so many red flags in this relationship. Do not have children with this man. You are arleady doing everything AND contributing 50% of the finances - what will happen when you have children? I guarantee you will be doing everything.

As for you not having friends... you say that's your choice, but, just out of interest, experiment. Tell him you are meeting work colleagues in town for dinner and drinks. Then make sure you're wearing your best outfit and look fab. I 100% guarantee it will not go down well.

I think whoever said you are enmeshed had it right. You've been with him since you were a child, you have no friends, you don't work outside the home, you seem so reliant on him.

You seem to be rolling over backwards to be attractive to him - and like a pp I can see that putting on a loads of weight can be an issue for a partner - I don't think this is solvable. You can spend the next 6 months losing more weight, putting yourself into a dress twice a week (and wtf is that about?), putting make up on - doing everything you can to make him fancy you, but you can't see that this is just so wrong on so many levels. This isn't what a healthy relationship looks like, but you don't know this because he is all you've known.

Whether he says it regularly or twice a year, it's not acceptable. You are not his doll. You don't have to dress and behave to please him. If you're pulling on the same stained baggy joggers every day with a creased t-shirt then maybe he has a point, but I'm guessing you don't do that.

For those of us in healthy relationships, it's difficult to read you keep saying "but he's my best friend, we're childhood sweethearts". Best friends don't pull their bestie down like this. My advice is to stop being a Stepford wife and start doing stuff and dressing in a way that pleases you. You're not a puppet.

I have read all the way through this and I just feel sad that someone in this day and age is living like this and thinking it’s ok apart from the 6 monthly reviews…..

I don't mean to be patronising, but you don't know any different. He is terrible and your relationship sounds smothering and toxic.

You can't see how awful he is because he has you on such a tight leash. Why don't you have friends? Why do you work from home? Why do you spend all your time together? Why do you wait on him hand and foot and think that's being a good wife?

I could hazard a pretty good guess, but you need to work it out for yourself.

This isn't healthy.