My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

Yup

It might help you to sit quietly and make a list of where he doesn't measure up. I’ll give you a starter;
You make me feel sad,
You don’t help with household chores,
You don’t help with household admin,

I'll leave the rest to you

He's not your best friend. He's not even your friend. He's an arsehole. Stop wasting your time trying to please him. Make yourself happy by leaving him and finding someone who loves you no matter what.

I’ve read the whole thread now. You acknowledge that this cunt is totally responsible for your appalling mental health, but I can tell you’re never going to leave him.

This is your life. This is it. It won’t get better, only worse.

I hope you find a way to sever your codependency on this utter shitpiece.

This man sounds awful, you deserve so much better. You're only 29 - get out now, enjoy yourself and your newfound confidence about your appearance, take up some hobbies to meet people and live a better life than being with this horrible bastard will ever be. Don't waste another moment.

You're letting yourself go and I'd like you to start losing weight.

Wear expensive cologne.

I want you to wear designer clothes, even at home as I like you to make the effort.

You're balding, please sort that out.

Ditto your ED.

It's only Tuesday and this is the second thread this week where the wife makes changes to improve her health and the husband, rather than supporting and uplifting her, knocks her back. He's insecure and awful. He's not your friend, not even close, that's not how friends treat each other @sadfish19.

You're still young, you need someone who will appreciate you for you, not what you look like, the clothes you wear, your cooking or that you give in to their sexual demands. Boundaries and standards OP, work on them and value yourself properly.

‘Always put out’

You are either not a woman or you are a prime example of internalised misogyny.

You’ve lost all sense of how a relationship should be. He’s controlling and abusive. Take your new body and new found confidence and find someone who will cherish you for you.

He's horrible. No matter what you do, it will never be good enough. The only weight you need to lose is him.

Can never be sure, of course, but I'm leaning towards the latter. It's not a phrase or an outlook that women generally adopt, but if this is true, she's been with this prick since she was 14 (how old is he?) but as she hates people (why?) and avoids them, she won't have got exposure to any alternative viewpoints to help her see what a nasty, misogynistic view it is.

It is rather convenient for him that the person he has had his claws in since she was 14, who thinks her job as a wife is to cook and "put out" and do whatever he says will make her attractive, just so happens to hate people and have no friends or support network, entirely by her own free choice...

U are not in that relationship to make him happy. He should be happy being with you as you are. You should not try to change to suit him. I understand that when we put weight on we may not feel as attractive as we would like or that we may not as attractive to others but you should be shedding the weight for you. You don't have to put up with this.

I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.

Your situation sounds awful. And IMHO your two statements above are the key.

You’ve overcome what sounds like a serious depression, have been happy recently and are feeling better about yourself. That’s massive progress! You should feel very proud of yourself ❤️

But why would you want to make yourself ‘better for someone else’! The priority should be how you feel about yourself and your own happiness. Make changes to your lifestyle and appearance for YOU. Not a partner, a potential partner or anyone else. We should all aim should be to healthy and fit through lifestyle (diet, exercise, interests). And part of our health and well-being should involve a number of close, healthy relationships, with family and friends.

If you’re not good enough for your DH that’s his problem, not yours. He has no right to dictate how you look, dress or behave. In the UK that’s unlawful domestic abuse. You acknowledge you’re codependent and don’t want to have other relationships. But you will be dependent on your DH unless you have your own life, financial independence, friends, goals, interests. And if you remain dependent, you’ll keep putting up with his demands. And maybe try to make him dependent on you.

Have you asked yourself, if you work the same hours as your DH, why you do nearly all the household chores? He’s not a child. If you separate, he’ll have to look after himself. So, why can’t he do that with now? Sharing everything 50/50?

If you want to break the codependence, you shouldn’t be dependent on him, as your only friend, and you shouldn’t let him depend on you, as his domestic servant. Therapy could be a real help in breaking the cycle. Working out why you don’t want friendships, but do want a husband/partner. And how you can move forward in your life for you and you alone, rather than by serving someone else.

29 is a wonderful age to live life to the full. A partner should be the cherry on top of the cake. Not the only ingredient. In fact, sometimes the cake tastes better without it.

That’s such a sad thing to read.

Any decent man would look at the woman he loved trying her hardest to lose weight and would tell her how proud he was of her. He’d encourage her by inviting her to come for a run, or a swim with him. I don’t think anything will ever be enough for him. You could be skinny and incredibly glamorous and he’d find something else to complain about. And I wish you could feel like you were doing it for yourself.

I know you say you can see his location and he’s not cheating, and it’s entirely possible that he’s completely innocent and has never looked sideways at another woman. It’s also entirely possible to meet someone at work, begin an affair and leave your phone at in your desk drawer while you take a couple of hours leave, then nip back to work to collect your phone and get back home for normal time. I’m not saying that he’s doing that. He’s probably not. But there’s clearly some discontent on his part and if it turns out that there is someone else, you are going to feel like you’ve been hit by a truck sideways if you convince yourself that it couldn’t possibly happen because you know where he is every minute of every day. Just don’t rule it out as absolutely impossible.

Why do women always do threats like these? He's awful! And then you try and defend him "oh he's not so terrible"! Yes he is

Threads

Because they haven’t yet developed the consciousness to say ‘Fuck the Patriarchy, I don’t need this shit’?

But he’s not your ‘best friend’. No way is he a friend of yours. Friends don’t behave this way.
Who on earth does he think he is to demean you in this way? And why do you feel as if you have to acquiesce to his expectations? He sounds absolutely awful! Get out and keep looking forward. No one should put up with this behaviour from anyone let alone a partner!!

You are not the problem, and he is not the solution.

@sadfish19 - basically he has trained you to accept his nasty behaviour. You are putting up with the nastiness because he is nice and loving sometimes.

He should love you because of who you are, not because of how you look, the domestic work you do, and the sex he gets.

I have depression and long covid, and over our marriage, I have put on a lot of weight, and that, plus the depression have killed my sex drive. I am a lot less mobile (bad enough to have a blue badge), so can’t do the things round the house that I used to do - basically I am utterly useless. Does dh love me any less? No - he loves me, he cares for me, he encourages me, praises me and builds me up. THAT is what a loving partner and best friend does.

What you have is a nasty, selfish user.

I feel like he’s well aware of how much of a great partner you are and I also think hes aware of how good you look. He’s trying to keep your confidence down by the sounds of it.

If you don’t want to dump this unpleasant bloke, then teach him a lesson. If my DH did this to me I would do it back - with bells on.

Or simply tell him to do one, next time he issues a commandment on how you should look.

Women do not exist to please men, OP. Wear what you want to wear. Do your hair when you feel like doing it. This is not the 1950s.

Honestly you were so young when you got together that you have no real life experience but believe the older, experienced women on here that he’s an abusive manipulative controlling cunt who has you completely isolated so he can treat you like absolute shit. It suits him to have your self esteem on the floor because the control and abuse is so much easier for him when you have no outside influence to talk to.

Hes trained you to be totally dependent on his opinions and he’s deliberately putting you down for his own cruel enjoyment and control.

The next fucking time a man comes on here and tries to blame women policing other women over dieting and weight im going to show him this thread

Well that includes me - older & experienced! OP, I’m in my 50s and there is no way I would put up with this. I’d quite like to spend a few days in your home and teach him a few home truths.

Christ, imagine if you told him those things. You could lose another 10+ stone by ditching him.

you deserve so much better and it sounds like you’re allowing him to define your worth. You get to do that not him.

Find your self respect and kick him into touch.