My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

It's not really about your looks. He keeps moving the goalposts. You will never lose enough weight or dress nicely enough.

It's about putting you down and keeping you down. It's about control.

You say he doesn't have to lift a finger around the house. That's what you're doing there. You're his mummy. I bet he moved right from his parents to yours and never had to function on his own as a full adult. He needs a maid and cook and housekeeper.

You sound very codependent to go along with this Stepford wife bullshit.

This doesn’t sound especially healthy…. You are always together unless working, you have no friends you can talk things through with, you’ve been together since children and twice a year he seems to set you goals for improvement (I hope when you say you check boxes he hasn’t actually written a list….)
he does nothing but a few garden projects, and you still try and do everything to be the person he thinks you should be.
It sounds totally suffocating, he’s not your best friend, best friends don’t criticise you for no reason.
I would be putting an end to this I’m afraid, I bet you don’t ‘critique’ him and what he’s wearing. He sounds very controlling and not at all like someone you need on your team.

I am sorry but he sounds awful.

You are so young and have been together for so long, I think you might be "institutionalised". Maybe the fear of starting again is stopping you from seeing that this isn't normal or right.

Carry on with weight loss for you if that's what you decide you need or want.

Don't do anything just because he has asked for it.

He is terrible. He's looking for reasons to leave or cheat and then he can blame you for some imagined non compliance. You were a child when he got with you and now you're a woman, he's not that into you being a woman, he wants that clueless child he dated and was able to control.

I know it's nice to make an effort for your partner but he is being unreasonable. You're losing weight, dressing up and wearing make up and he's still not happy?! You're never going to make him happy at this rate. Tell him that you feel that he's being unreasonable.

OP, I say this with compassion, but you need a serious reality check.

You’ve taken on the role of cook, cleaner, personal assistant, therapist, and sex provider—all while telling yourself this makes you a great wife. But a relationship isn’t a service contract. You’re doing the labour of an entire household and still being told you’re falling short. He gets fed, gets sex, gets a spotless home, and gets to feel superior—what exactly are you getting?

You’ve made real progress with your health, your confidence is coming back, and instead of support, you get criticism on schedule like clockwork. That isn’t forgetfulness or poor communication. It’s a pattern.

Saying things like “I always put out” or “I’m a great cook” as proof of your worth isn’t empowering—it’s heartbreaking. You’ve internalised the idea that being sexually available and domestically competent makes you loveable. That belief didn’t come from nowhere. It came from being conditioned, probably from a young age, to see yourself through the lens of what you provide to others—especially men.

His difficult childhood might explain some of his behaviour, but it doesn’t entitle him to a compliant wife who bends herself into shapes to keep him comfortable while she quietly erodes. You don’t owe him eternal understanding at the expense of your self-respect.

You’re 29, you earn your own money, and you’ve made huge changes in your life. You’re not lost—you’re exhausted from constantly performing for someone who won’t meet you halfway. Start imagining what your life could look like without chasing his approval. The sooner you stop asking how to keep him happy, the sooner you can ask what makes you happy.

That question is long overdue.

Check all the boxes? RULES?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive or to want your partner to put in a little bit of effort but for the love of god, LEAVE THAT MANCHILDDDDDDD

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

The fact that you are always together and are joined at the hip is unhealthy. Perhaps he finds it boring which is why he would like you to not work from home. Perhaps he sees you as needy and therefore says what he does to keep you in order and doing what you want. You need to get a life away from him to see your true worth.

OP I read your posts and honestly it’s made me so depressed.

Are you having any kind of therapy? It sounds like you need it. And you need to build up a small support network.

You’ve bent yourself so far out of shape for this man. He doesn’t seem to care about you at all. Do you think he will suddenly change one day when you hit a magic weight?

I hope you’ve had some replies that will help you see your worth beyond how much you weigh, and what clothes you wear, and what you cook for your husband.

You're 29! Leave him and live your life!

I haven't read all the replies but it seems you do so much in the relationship. Exactly what does he do? Also you mentioning you guys doing everything together that's itself is not healthy you need some time apart and YOU need some friends away from him

Abusive men are not abusive all the time. Probably if you weren’t doing everything he tells you, he would be abusive more. Why do you do everything together? Why don’t you have any family or friends? Has he isolated you? It sounds like you are confusing familiarity and codependency for love to me.

No man has the right to dictate how much you should weigh, how you should dress, how you should act, how you should work out and take care of yourself, etc. Any man who does this is controlling and control is not love.

You should not be bending over backwards to meet his physical appearance standards. You should not only be spending time with him and have no social life. You should not be solely responsible for the housework, household admin, financials, etc. He is abusing you and controlling you and has you terrified that if you don’t meet his demands and standards, he will abandon you. Is there a reason that you fear him leaving? Has threatened to before? Have you a family history of being abandoned?

I think you should read this book. Although it might not all apply, I think you will start to understand how unhealthy his control over your very being actually is when you understand how it benefits him.

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

He could be cheating at work.

Regardless, he is being very nasty to you. Just because it’s a long relationship, that doesn’t mean you need to keep it at all costs. He’s being horrible to you because it really is over - he’s most likely had his head turned.

Anyway, you should end it and free yourself from this man who is horrible to you.

Darling, with kindness…

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

The above attitude is a big part of why you aren’t getting what you want. He sees you as the cleaner, cook, his domestic servant. Not his wife. The more you do for him, the less he will respect you as an equal, unfortunately.

Secondly, you’re blaming yourself, telling yourself that things are your fault and you need to ‘improve’. And you’re letting him get away with telling you that, too. It’s like he’s a king on a throne to be pleased and you’re a mere humble peasant fulfilling his every wish.

A relationship isn’t about making him happy and disregarding your own identity and needs/ wishes.

I’m not sure you can switch that dynamic around now. He knows he has all the power and you’d do anything to keep him.

I’m not sure this marriage can work in a way that gives you fulfilment.

I’m sorry x

You’re doing all this for him. What’s he doing for you? Ask him that directly.

seriously, the only person you should set out to impress is yourself.

find joy in yourself and the world will follow …..

if it was me though, I’d be telling him to do one.

good luck op.

My husband doesn’t do this on any basis EVER! Nobody’s does OP! It not at all normal!

I was an unholy mess for years after having kids and my husband said I was beautiful every single day!

A marriage is loving someone through everything. What if you were long term sick & put on weight? Or couldn’t dress “feminine”?

Sorry OP it sounds like he’s had his head turned.

It doesn’t matter what you do because you’ll never be ‘her’.

I would start getting your ducks in a row as this relationship isn’t going to last much longer whether you like it or not.

💐💐

Sorry - but what the actual fuck? Does he have any redeeming qualities?! I am so sorry he has made you feel this way.

I have been married 10 years, together for 15 and I cannot even fathom what you are saying and trying to defend.

I do not know anyone who looks like they did 15 years ago, pre marriage and pre children.

My husband and I see photos of ourselves in our early 20s and laugh at the lack of wrinkles, lack of bellies and lack of grey hairs.

A relationship evolves and changes over time, but love should be constant - you should NEVER feel judged by your partner. Thats not a partner, let alone a best friend.

I have had huge medical problems that have changed our lives completely, with lots of weight gain from steroids, limited mobility and my husband being my carer. He has NEVER stopped telling me he loves me, I’m beautiful and makes me feel like the centre of his world. How on earth would your ‘D’H react if you had medical needs that required his support? Putting on weight over 14 years is absolutely nothing in the scheme of life,,,,

I’ve never said this on here before, but LEAVE. Immediately. You deserve so much more.

Op he sounds like one of my exs.
I lost 15 stone in one day when i told him to fuck off.

Love doesn't make you feel inadequate and damage your self esteem. If he loves you he wouldn't be saying these things. I have been married 43 years and my DH has never said anything like this even at my fattest and most stressed.
If your DH loves you he has an immature and unpleasant way of showing it. I think some serious discussion is needed. You're still young, but could waste a lot of time in a relationship which will make you unhappy for a long time before it ends. My first marriage went this way and I wished I'd ended it years before. The relief was immense when it finally happened. Good luck sweetheart.

Mine was the same and he was having an affair. You are nieve to think otherwise.

It is very unhealthy to spend all of your time together when you're not at work. You need separate interests, I know you say you don't like people but how do you think he would react if you told him you want to go to a book club meeting once a week and go to sessions at the gymn twice a week, would he encourage it or be angry you are thinking of taking up interests without him.

Congratulations on your weight loss. Please do these things for yourself nor your husband.
I’ve been married 20+ years. Marriages go through difficult patches. People have struggles with their mental health.
However no spouse has the right to hold their spouse to a 'standard' that they have in their head.
You have some possible options:
Learn to emotionally detach from this behavior from him. Don’t seek compliments and if he off the bat makes a negative comment just acknowledge in a non committal manner - oh ok or I see. And then get on with your day.
Seek out some hobbies/friends/interests of your own - seperate from his.
Some people hate it but I found the book The empowered wife really helpful. My takeaways were that I I stopped doing so many things for my husband, I started saying no to things, I did 2-3 nice things for myself - for me not for him (even if small) every day.
I didn’t agree with everything in the book but those steps helped me to feel happier and regain my self respect during a difficult period in our marriage.

You are feminine just my virtue of being a woman.

Doing everything together isn't a healthy loving relationship. He sounds potentially abusive to me. Why don't you have any friends? That's very unhealthy. Does he discourage you having friends?