My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

It sounds like he needs more than an after school detention if that's how he's behaving

But yes

Schools have done after school detention for decades some even do weekend ones which may be more if a shock to your little darling

This. My ex husband was similar in a lot of ways when I lost a lot of weight. We split up in the end.

I think the question is why are you attracted to him? No matter what he looks like he has an ugly personality.
You have put up with so much shit for so long you are conditioned to think its normal - its not.
Please go find someone that appreciates and loves you for who you are.

Because he's a narcissistic prick, that's what they do put you down, if you become a super model over night he will still complain

You won't win with him, he will always have another demand of you, you need to decide if you want to tolerate this or whether you want to leave. You are being controlled and gas lit, there is no doubt about that 🥰

@sadfish19 no, it really isn’t fair to leave someone for gaining weight. There are lots of reasons why weight gain can happen.

My DP is still here and I’ve gained weight (not 100lbs but more than I’m comfortable with).
I have a sedentary job and lifestyle. He knows I want to lose weight but isn’t always helpful when I’m trying to diet but never demeans me.

You say you don’t like people, so prefer to WFH and you do everything together. While it’s good to have hobbies, maybe your DH is suffocating because, as you say, you’re joined at the hip. Is he trying to get you back into the office so he’s not your entire support system and life? He’s not being supportive of your weight loss so far which is unkind, but you both need to look at your lifestyle.

Can you work on your people skills? The world is not full of dreadful people though granted there are MoFos out there.

Honestly, get away from him. Far far away. He is awful.

You need…

• therapy…… lots of counselling with a very experienced therapist
• a not-working-from-home job (or one where you go to the office at least one day a week)
• friends- or at the very least people you do things with
• hobbies/interests
• a divorce
• a life

When you marry someone, you agree to support them through good times and bad. If you just abandoned someone because of their mental health issues, then it wasn’t love to start with.

You say this now, as a 29 year old.

When you get to 39, or 49, or 59, and you still don't have any friends, still with a man who puts you down, you'll feel differently. I agree with others - the fact you've been together since you were 14 means you have literally no idea what teenage life without this man is like, let alone adult life. It sounds like he's been controlling you ever since he figured out how to.

PS I've gained at least 100lbs since I met my husband, he's only ever been lovely, he thinks I'm beautiful whatever weight. He also congratulates me on the losses, as he knows it's important to me.

I had my husband location as well. I knew where he was. But he lied about why he was there. Ex h now.

Your marriage is not a healthy one.

I hate to tell you this OP, but at 29 you’re in your prime- it all goes downhill from there!

If he isn’t attracted to you now, then he won’t be attracted to you when you’re 90. He just won’t.

I mean this kindly but please try and make at least a couple of friends. There are nice people out there and they really do enrich your life significantly. I know it can be hard to make friends but god knows they’re life savers when you’re having a tough time.

Who told you that the standard of a good partner is someone who cooks well and has sex whenever the other person wants it?

OP, you really should consider therapy if you haven't already regardless of whether you leave him

Your husband is an abuser. You’re an abused wife. You need to leave him but you won’t until you’ve had some healthy emotional growth by doing the freedom course and have some counseling to help you understand what is going on in your life.

Im sorry this is happening to you. You’re husband is a coward and quite frankly of absolutely no use to this world whatsoever.

Do you have children? Sincerely hope you don’t.

whatever you do, do not have children with this man.

He is NOT your friend. Seriously, OP - I feel so incredibly sorry for you. You're 29 years old and hitching your precious wagon to an arsehole who puts you down and wants you to feel disempowered, unattractive and incapable of pleasing him.

Someone who really loves you would NOT make you feel like this. I feel claustrophobic just reading about your relationship. 'High school sweethearts' means nothing, except that you seemingly have zero experience of how a healthy relationship works: this is not it.

He will never stop doing this. It will hurt you more and more and more. I would absolutely say LTB but I'm fairly sure you won't.

If you don't have children yet, don't - not with him.

I know I’m awesome and a great wife. I am a damn good cook and always put out.

Your concept of what makes a 'great wife' is like something from the 1950s.

I think my question would be in your position why aren’t I enough? Is the real issue that he feels he settled down to young and is now wanting different things. He sounds controlling. No one should have to change for someone else. Plus why are you doing everything at home. What are you getting in return apart from criticism. I think you need to consider your own self worth and the kind of relationship you need. In the 15 years you have been together I expect you both have grown up together but changed a lot personality wise. Maybe you have grown apart.

OP, I met my DH, put on a LOT of weight, lost it all and have put it all back on again…in all that time (14 years) he has only ever told me that I am beautiful, gorgeous, best looking woman in the world, don’t need to change a thing yada yada, regardless of my size at any time. I’d say he’s lying but he genuinely believes it. He’s not once tried to tell me what to wear and he tells me I’m at my most beautiful when I’m not wearing makeup.

Now he does minimal stuff around the house as well and I too, sort all the financials and workmen etc on top of my full time job. But I know he loves me and appreciates me for who I am. And he is my best friend - he is my biggest cheerleader.

You say you’re best friends with your DH but he sure as hell isn’t acting like it. What he’s doing is clearly breaking down your self confidence and beginning to control your every move. Break out of this - being his vision of ‘perfection’ (spoiler alert: you’ll never be) is not being true to you. You’ll always feel lacking in some way.

Start focussing on you - what you want and what you value in life…and focus on that instead. If you end up outgrowing your DH in the process, then it was meant to happen.

Why do you hate people? Have people in general treated you worse than he does?

And you say you're a good wifd because you cook well and "always put out"? Have you never actually been personally connected or enjoyed sex?

I feel there must be a connection between your hatred of people and supposedly self-imposed isolation and your seemingly transactional relationship with your husband who treats you like dirt.

It sounds like one of two things is happening here op. Either
a) he is negging you. He’s insecure and knows you can do better so he’s knocking you down a peg to keep you glued to his hip seeking his approval. Or
b) he’s fallen out of love. You’ve been glued to each others hips since you were kids and all the excitement is gone. And that happens sometimes in long term relationships, especially when you don’t have your own lives outside of each other.
Either way, I can’t see any reason why it’s good for you to cling on to a relationship that is making you so unhappy in your own skin.
If you do split (and I think you should), I would recommend taking some time to work out who you are on your own. What you want out of life and relationships, before trying to move on to another. Or you’ll just end up trying to please someone else.
I also recommend watching Daniel Schloss’ show, Jigsaw! He talks about making your own fulfilling life and not making one person your everything xxx

A best friend wouldn’t tear you down this way, @sadfish19. He is being cruel, and you are just happy when he isn’t being nasty.

Well done for coming this far op. How about losing yourself another 15st.ish
Partners in life are meant to be our biggest cheerleaders not quash our self-esteem.
Keep going you'll be feeling fantastic soon.
💐 🫂

Did it only start even you started changing? my ex started commenting when I started getting healthy and generally making me feel awful. It really felt like he was tolerating me rather than me being proud of me. He was also a school sweetheart...

What does he do for you? Does he do things like cook and clean, dress up for you? You sound like he's controlling and has his stepford wife.