My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

OP, gently and kindly, you are giving this man 100% control of your life. And he still doesn't want you for who you are. He wants you to be something or someone that you're not.

It's cruel. It's toxic. And it's not love. Please stop pandering to these ridiculous demands, start wearing clothes that YOU like, and stop cooking/sex/cleaning until he starts to show you some basic consideration and kindness.

A good wife who always puts out? Ew.

Far shitter women (me) have far better lives and partners because we don't live to make a man happy.

The level of eggshell walking, co dependence and lack of confidence is so sad. And ironically, changing those things for your own sake would sort this out for you, rather than chasing perfection to "earn" love.

Can I ask why you were depressed?

Looking at your posts, I'm guessing because you've been with this man since you were a child, and are afraid to leave. Because he belittles you at every turn, lets you take on the burden of the housework, and has completely undermined your confidence. But you have no-one to compare him to, because you've never been with anyone else, so you're not even sure you're allowed to be upset.

The positive changes you make go unnoticed, and you feel unsupported in your attempts at self-improvement. You're unhappy, and enmeshed with your husband. And he's either bored of you, or so insecure he feels the need to constantly put you down and erode your confidence, to keep you with him. The contrast between this reality, and the part of you that wants to believe you're happy and he loves you really, is what's making you feel "insane", OP. You're basically trying to gaslight yourself, but there's a part of you inside that sees it and keeps rebelling. That says "No, actually, I deserve better". You do.

You got into this relationship when you were just a child, OP. You've never had the chance to find out who you are an independent person. When you add onto that the fact that you don't have friends (or anyone else to talk to) and are further isolated by working from home . . . of course you think your partner's opinion of you is the only one that matters. Of course you define yourself through him. It makes sense.

That doesn't make it right, though. You need to break out of the codependency, and assert your own identity. You need to find YOU again, because I think you've lost her.

That would make anyone depressed. Before you beat yourself up too much about the depression though . . . it sounds like you were still working full time from home and doing all the cooking and cleaning, during this time? If that's the case, you're not lucky your husband stayed with you. He's lucky he married you. You're superwoman, and he doesn't deserve you. So you put on a bit of weight! You let one thing slide - your appearance - while you kept up with everything else. He has no right to shame you for that. He should get to the nearest mirror and spend the next hour wobbling his ungrateful head, frankly.

He's insecure about himself and picking on you to bring you down with him. It's not really about the weight or he would have left you or stopped bringing it up as you've lost it. He probably just is bringing it up when he's feeling particularly bad about himself which is why it's only some of the time. He needs therapy.

OP, homebodies have friends (they just prefer not going out)

Op - you are still young. Please leave this toxic environment. You have years ahead of you.

Do you still find him attractive? He doesn’t sound like he is making much effort to be a good husband to you. It works both ways.

He sounds awful. Don't put up with it. You don't need validation from him. You are hard working and strong and confident. Don't let him undermine you any more.

i can sympathise. I spent 30 years ‘ticking the boxes’ to make someone happy because I didn’t have enough self esteem to realise that actually I was enough. I also had yo-yo weight loss but when I lost 4 stone, got very fit and also promoted at work his only comments were ‘I prefer your hair short ‘ and ‘you didn’t tidy the house enough’. 15 years later my weight still fluctuates and the house still isn’t tidy but I’m very happy with myself and I no longer judge myself by someone else’s standards. You’re only 29, don’t waste the next 20 years like I did (not quite wasted as I have lovely children but hopefully you understand what I mean)

I've only read your posts OP, but I've put on 5 stone since meeting DH, he has never ever commented on my weight, other than when we were TTC and it wasn't happening easily.
You shouldn't have to get all done up every day to keep him happy, have you never heard the saying "if you don't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". I presume he's gym honed and smart all the time?!
Just because you've been with him since you were 14 doesn't mean you have to stay with him and be unhappy for the rest of your life.

This can’t be real
The only thing you need to work on is your self esteem
Leave him, chuck him out
Hes awful and you need to recognise this asap

You could lose another 10+ stone by ditching him.

😂 very true

Get a job where you work one day a week from the office or start going out without him.
This bloke is far too comfortable taking you for granted. Most man love a good chase.
Also, telh him his oppinion is not relevant.

Him: you should do more of feminine...
You: I do not think so.
Him: You should start doing cardio.
You: I do not need it or want it at the moment.
Him: you should...
You: nope
If he gets pissy tell him a lot of men find you attractive as you are now.

This.
please read up on abuse cycle OP. Particularly the love bombing bit it may all have started with years ago…that you hope you could regain.

This is the issue I think. You met at a very young age and whilst for some that works long term, for many it doesn’t. It sounds like he’s just not into you in ‘that’ way anymore and I imagine he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere.

No amount of tying yourself up in knots trying to be what he wants is going to work. He will always change the goal posts as he’s not feeling it anymore and isn’t kind enough or brave enough to end it. in the meantime, your self esteem will slowly ebb away.

I’d make plans to leave @sadfish19. You deserve to be with someone who adores you at any size… and feels privileged to be with you. Your partner has stopped valuing you and your relationship. There is so much better out there for you.

Why don’t you get a hobby and go out and have fun? You don’t need self-improvement to be your hobby, just for an idiot who doesn’t notice or appreciate you. I’m not saying LTB tonight. But make time to enjoy your life independently of him. Is there anything new you’d like to try? You’re so young, and frankly being joint at the hip (never mind to misery guts) sounds so dull. Being childhood sweethearts is not a romantic dream, it can often be a long term disaster as you both haven’t matured yet.
This is all regardless of the hyper critical shallow comments on you. He is also finding excuses, because he hasn’t noticed the changes, so sadly he doesn’t find you attractive (regardless of weight) and the teenage love might be fading. Happily for you there could be someone else and a life that’s much more upbeat and better than you expected.

Yes to this kind of weight loss: lose him.

Can you really not see this is wrong? You need therapy and yes that is a suggestion

This sounds very unhealthy, both the way he speaks about you and the fact that you claim you know where he is all the time so he ‘cant’ be having an affair. 😕

Sorry is this the 1960s? You do all the cleaning and cooking ??? 💀

You don't owe him anything. We gain and lose weight all the time.

L e a v e.

Thank you so much. I know he’s not right I just let him be because he’s insufferable if I don’t. I constantly think how it would be feel to be taken care of like he is. Someone who makes your clothes magically appear clean, cooks every meal, never have to think about the hard stuff or worry about money. It sounds like a dream..

I think I felt depressed because I was so focused on taking care of us especially when we were younger and first on our own and broke like most couples. I stopped doing things for myself or spending money on myself.

You must have (hopefully) had a more normal dynamic at one point - what changed? I know you said you met at school, but was there a significant age gap, like 14 & 18? What do you parents think of your relationship?

Does anyone take care of you, ever? Can you talk to your mum about this?

You might well feel sad, but this is the wake up call you need op. You have been put in a position and conditioned to only care about serving others, and what they think of you - that’s it. Not encouraged to think for yourself, not encouraged to put your self first sometimes, not to trust in your judgement and decisions. You have ultimately been frozen in the maturity process, and have not been given the time or space to develop into an adult.

Now you are dependent on another human to tell you how to think, feel, dress and perform. Reducing you to a robot/doll of sorts.

This might feel painful but in the long term, you will be glad this happened. It’s time now for self discovery, self care, self determination. You can live, breathe and exist and thrive outside of a relationship. You can do all
of this inside a relationship if you are equal. Just small steps of independence, and see where it takes you op. 💪🏻

Ask yourself every day:

What do I want?
Do I like this person/situation/dinner/friend?
What do I need today?

Every single day.

I cannot believe this . You sound like you are only put on this earth to please him . Tending home and taking care of your appearance to suit him smacks of leaving yourself at the door at your wedding . We are not put on this earth just to please men. We are not in the 1950’s