TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

You cannot be 100% certain of that in any way and I find it astonishing that you are lying to yourself to this degree. You’d act after the event would you, that’s great for the children 🤦‍♀️

If you have daughters you’ll never trust him around them, even if you think you will, deep down you just won’t.

My mum caught my dad molesting my sister when she went upstairs to check on why he was taking so long to put some laundry away (she was heavily pregnant at the time).

You’ll watch his every move.

Wanting sex with your sister, however old, is so incredibly disgusting and wrong.

He WOULD have known this at 16, even if he was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. Nothing could make me want to commit a sex act with a sibling.

I don’t think you’ll get past this, once the shock wears off.

If he was happy to coerce his sister into sex, what makes you think he would stay away from his children? He clearly has no natural boundaries in this respect.

Grim.

Did you not read the long message from the social worker on here

Thank you all for your posts.

It’s been really helpful to hear different perspectives.

Im going to leave this thread now and speak to professionals about it.

It’s been helpful to offload and hear what people would do.

I don’t think things can ever be the same again.

Please be assured that if there was any risk to children I’d act immediately.

I couldn't stay in a relationship with him.

Also if you do then this will always be hanging over you and your relationship, the sister might not want to go to the police now, but she might decide to in 5 years or 10 years or god knows when, and then your kids would be likely to find out that you knew about it also.

Yes. Helpful.

You should be acting immediately because he is a vile sexual predator, even if he isn’t a risk to your children. That information would turn my fucking stomach and I would never want to see the cunt again.

He doesn’t have any opportunity apart from anything. I’m confident in my risk assessment.

This OP.

I’d let this man loose, sorry. And never let him have unsupervised access. He made an active choice to do this.

No opportunity? What do you do? Have cameras following him or something?

@OldSkuul how do you know he’s a good man, do you know him? You don’t have any idea of this man’s character other than he sexually abused his sister yet you say he’s a good man?! JFC some of the replies on here are appalling.

I’ve some experience of this, as the victim. My sibling and I were younger though. I do remember some inappropriate behaviour when I was 13 and he 15 but I don’t hold him accountable at all. We had a tough upbringing with a parent who raised him to be entitled and access whatever he wanted and whoever. Raised to believe women were the lesser sex.
I don’t believe he’s a predator now because he isn’t the same person at all. Does not agree with how we were raised and does not see women as lesser.
He has a wife and kids and I’ve never mentioned it.
Sibling on sibling abuse is more common and complex than people think.

However, if it were my husband? I don’t know that I could get past it. There would be a “what if” all of the time. And the trust would be gone

Your children, when they find out about it, won’t forgive or understand why you put them at risk. This has happened in my family and a lot of my siblings don’t speak to my mother.

Protect your children from this vile man.

Nobody else is.

You probably would have been confident in your risk assessment that he wasn't a deviant sex abuser who wanted to rape his own sister. But people surprise you.

Removed post as OP has left the thread

You cannot be this naive surely? Predatory men are cleverer than you will ever understand, how do you think they go undetected for so long? You’re happy to live with a man you have to risk access, can you hear yourself? 🤦‍♀️ You will never have a single moment of peace of mind if you stay.

I'm actually beginning to think this is a made up post. The OP is so detached from this it doesn't make sense. Their responses are passive and robotic

That’s interesting, is there at reason he is never left alone with the DC?

This thread has brought back some very difficult memories for me, are there any online resources I can access? Thanking people in advance

C'mon OP, you know this isn't an excuse! Plenty of people have troubled childhoods and manage to not abuse their younger siblings! Jesus my DH grew up in and out of care, he lived on his own from the age of 16 working full time!

16 is practically an adult, AND is over the age of consent! It's plenty old enough to know right from wrong. If he was a lot younger (under 10) then I'd say he'd obviously been abused himself and didn't know better. But that's absolutely not the case here. You need to kick him out AND keep him the fuck away from your kids. He's proven he sees nothing wrong with incest and child abuse.

https://napac.org.uk/

One here.

It's possible the OP is in shock and running on autopilot. She said she's recovering from a traumatic birth, so she's obviously got a small baby too. This, combined with sleep deprivation and hormones, I'd say, her reaction is understandable.

If you continue to live with him, he will have ample opportunity. You really do need to not have him living in the same house as your children - imagine how you'd feel if something later comes to light about him doing the same to your kids. No relationship is worth putting them at this kind of risk

Was there any history of sexual abuse for him where he was the victim? I can see why you would be horrified and disgusted but he’s owning this. He could very easily have minimised it, denied it etc. there clearly needs to be work done here but I would really consider that he has also been abused at some point.

I find your reaction and thought process as damaging as that of your Husband when he was 16. How you can even contemplate staying with this man is beyond me. Does it not also strike you as very weird that he found his own sister sexually attractive at an age when he would definitely have understood what that meant? I think this is very fucked up. You have children involved in this and you’re considering not protecting them?!