TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

Sister needs to be respected.
I would encourage your husband to pay for counselling for his sister if she would like to avail herself of that.

I think due to them being close in age, and both underage, he would not be prosecuted for the one instance. Therefore, as well as apologising, it is important that his sister dictates how she wants to proceed and that he listens and respects her wishes.

For you, you would need to see true repentance and him making moves to listen to exactly how your sister wants to proceed, and it goes without saying that you would not want to see any kind of abusive behaviour.

But clearly it wasn't 'weighing heavily' as he had forgotten about it!

If you stay (not sure how could) but how are you going to feel when your kids hit their teens? wondering if he is going to bribe or coerce them into sex acts, leopards don't change their spots.

That is pretty grim and would make my stomach churn. However, unfortunately this probably happens more than people realise. It happened to my mother's friend who was raped by an older brother. She recently bought it up with him but he refused to apologise. They're in their seventies now. I can see how difficult it must be for victims to come forward as to do so would rip a family apart and cause even more trauma to the victim. I suspect that most would want to forget about it or keep it buried as they may well feel a sense of shame too or worry about being believed.
I have no doubt that he is a well adjusted husband and father now, but I personally would be pretty repulsed by it and probably couldn't continue a relationship.

Your husband is a pedo. He is a sexual assaulter. He is a predator who preyed on a child. He is a criminal. He violated his own little sister when she was a vulnerable little girl for his own sexual gratification, with zero concerns for how it would damage her permanently.

If you stay with this man, you are choosing an incestual, pefo rapist over your own children’s safety. If I knew you, I’d report both him and you to social services tbh. Do not take any chances with your children’s safety for ANY man.

There is no excusing what he’s done. NONE. The fact that you’re trying to find excuses is utterly sickening. Give your head a serious wobble ffs!

Even considering his age, no way in hell I would leave this man alone with my children ever again.

Run for the hills. That is a lot more than just being “loopy” as a teenager.

I’d rather not pass judgment either way. This is a topic that has destroyed my family and you must do what is right for you. I’d suggest contacting an SA charity to get your head clear before you make a decision.

But I just wanted to add that sibling sexual abuse is extremely common. Some studies estimate the rate of older brothers abusing younger sisters as high as 17%. That’s a lot of husbands out there who have done this. Women are hyper vigilant of abuse by step fathers, when their daughters are far more likely to be abused by their own sons. That is such an abhorrent prospect that we don’t even consider it.

Firstly, I am so sorry for what you are going through, how devastating and shocking. As a social worker in the past I carried out assessments with non-offending carers like you.

The first thing to say is that this view you have that he is no risk to children now, is very naive, and dangerous. If social work were assessing you, they would be providing you with education around CSA, and looking to see if you could absorb the research and statistical evidence into your own assessment of risk. If you struggled to do this as you are now, there would be concerns about your ability to keep your children safe.

The fact is that your DH has historically abused a child. This is as clear and irrefutable evidence that he presents a risk of abusing children now. The level of risk is unknown but you categorically cannot say no risk. Many abusers begin to abuse in teenage years. Think about all the practical and mental hurdles he would have had to overcome in order to carry out the abuse. He would have known it was very wrong, and that it would hurt his sister. He would have known that he would get in trouble if discovered. He would have had to ensure a private time in which to take the opportunity to abuse. It is a calculated thing he did.

Like pps have said, there is no way he forgot this. EVEN IF that were true (which you should not believe for a second) that itself would be hugely concerning, that abusing his own sister meant so little it could be dismissed. Given he is lying to you about this now, it shows you his capacity for deceipt.

Unfortunately, child abusers are not the shady characters you may imagine. They are often charismatic and sociable, and the very people that most people would say ‘he would never do that’ about. Very capable liars. He has been caught and has admitted guilt to what he’s been caught for. Do not be naive enough to be so confident that there are not other parts of his story not known to you. If there has been no other abuse since then and he has truly changed, this is good, but you can never be truly confident of that. He can never be alone with children safely again.

The fact that they were close in age does not make this not abuse. In researching the topic, professionals do not use any particular measure of age gap but look more at the power dynamics at play, and your DH held all the power by virtue of age, cognitive capacity and his sex.

I understand that you don’t want to blow your world apart, but he has done that already. If I knew you I would be reporting you to SS as your children are 100% at risk, and the risk is vastly elevated by your unwillingness to see and accept that. I’m hoping that by posting this thread, there is a bit of you that knows that deep down, and that you are just speaking through shock.

Id be more than happy to answer any questions from my experience via DM if that would be helpful.

How do you know that?

If social services learn that children were exposed to someone with a history of intra-familial child sex abuse, and that other family members knew and did nothing, that might be a little bit of a red flag.

Some of the replies here are absolutely batshit. The sister has brought up her abuse to be the centre of attention?! Fuck me, the hatred for other women here is rife.

Op your husband is a rapist who sexualy coerced an underage girl. She said no to sex, I have no idea what the sex act was but think about your husband and where he's had his dick. Think about his fucking sister. At 13. Ask yourself if you could ever be intimate with that man again. Really think about it. It would turn my stomach.

Even if you don't believe he's a risk to your children etc, why the fuck do you want to continue a relationship with him? Why? What characteristic does he have that is so rare and wonderful it's overides incest and rape?

If you stay with him you're as sick as he is.

Aww bless him

Did anything like that happen to him too? Was he the victim of some sort of under age incest also?

Either way it’s not morally acceptable and of course illegal. There is some difference between a 15/16 year old and an 18/25 year old propositioning a 13 year old. While I believe with time people can truly change and most people deserve a second chance, I would find it really difficult to navigate. It’s difficult to relate the boy he was with the man he is today.

The SIL has every right to do things her way, press charges or not, talk or not. The positive thing is that he has taken responsibility for his behaviour, is ashamed and not in denial.

And if they split up today how can she prevent contact with the children when her SiL doesn't want to take it further?

What can she actually do to protect them?

His mum worked and was doing all the domestic/home stuff

Other posters have made some of the comments about your H that I would so I won’t repeat them.

But I cannot let the above comment and your previous mention of your MIL showing love by doing rather than affection as part of your reasoning as to how your husband could have done what he did. Are you a SAHM? Is this why you think it’s acceptable to put even the smallest part of blame on his mother because she had to work as well as look after her children. Honestly this disgusts me.

It will never leave your sister in law.

I don't believe that forgiveness is reasonable objective.

She may hold a host of different and sometimes conflicting emotions, and these may change, fade, reappear in a different form, she may be able to rationalise, suppress, deny and then feel angry, violation and shame all over again.

She may not wish to see your husband imprisoned. Justice and forgiveness are difficult concepts and don't always fit the situation.

I am not convinced that we are capable of forgiveness for something that impacts us so deeply. We may be capable of letting go of the anger, of pushing the feelings away so that the don't impact us and of putting our own needs first, of creating a narrative that allows us to live with the unthinkable.. but may not be able to forgive and forget..

Justice and retribution are also difficult concepts in this scenario, no amount of justice, retribution, legal process, telling people what happened, will undo the damage that has been done but equally it is very hard to carry on as if nothing had happened, as if time heals all wounds, as if the immaturity of youth can be excused.

All of this applies to you as well... you hold many experiences of your husband's behaviour in your assessment of who he is a human, no person is defined by one action, whether good or bad, we are a tapestry of all of our experiences... and how you see him has changed forever.

No. I mean it was a misogynistic culture he was surrounded by. Not an excuse of course but someone asked me what his childhood was like. His mum was mistreated by his his dad. Apparently his dad would get very aggressive. So his model of what it is to be a man wasn’t great. But still no excuse of course.

I don’t know what to say, I have never heard such a pathetic array of excuses for someone who sexually abused his sister. I know someone who went through this and it absolutely destroys their life, she is unable to have any meaningful relationships because of this, and lurches from one disaster to the next. There is absolutely no excusing his behaviour and you can’t actually know what else he’s done can you? He wouldn’t be anywhere near my children.

I realise this must be horrendous for you but please stop making excuses, it’s inexcusable.

We can all be "loopy". I've never tried to have sex with my sibling though. How on earth are you not immediately leaving him?!

Not excuses. It’s inexcusable but I’m trying to make sense of how he came to think that was ok and how it fits with the man I know today.

I don’t think there is any coming back from this though.

I agree with this post. This is so much more prevalent than people think. Not my Nigel! Well it’s someone’s Nigel, if around 1 in 8 adults claim to have been sexually abused as a child that’s a lot of men who are living normal lives. OP get in touch with a sexual abuse charity and get some advice and support from people who might be able to help you move forward.

I don’t think I could be with a man that did this no matter what our relationship had been like previously, I would always be wondering what else I didn’t know let alone what he might do to my or other people’s children.

I’m processing. There is no current and immediate risk so I’m getting my head around it all.

It absolutely does.
It is abnormal behaviour.

The Westermarck effect should have kicked in, and hormones in the teenage years don't undo that.

I believe that kind of sexual deviancy stays with you forever. It’s disgusting and I couldn’t continue this relationship.

You don't need to try to make sense of his thinking at the time. You need to protect your children from him. People can help, but only if you let them. Contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation to start with and tell him to get out and not come near your children while you work out next steps. If he wants to do something constructive, he can google the nearest police station and walk over there to confess.

What are you going to do op

If the police and social services knew, I don't think their assessment of his present risk would be the same as yours, @ParkFunRunRun . He crossed a very big boundary.

Have you found out what form his "coercion" took?