TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

Was this all that happened? Did he behave inappropriately with his sister's friends? I just wonder if that is the tip of an iceberg. Were his friends at the time having sex or sexual experiences and he was wanting to compete in some way?

It is really horrible, thank god it wasn't full sex. I don't know what you should do, but it just changes everything, he's not the person you thought he was, even though it was a long time ago and it seems to have been a one off event, if you can believe that.

I'd suggest you try some counselling alone and then maybe with him, as a couple.

I may be shouted down for this, but incest among teens is far more common than people would believe or admit.

Just because he did this at 16 (when he was emotionally immature) doesn't mean he's grown into a monster of an adult.

I think he should have a second chance but it's what you can cope with yourself, knowing what you do.

I don't know why posters are so aghast. History is full of siblings who had incestuous relationships. It's not as rare as people think.
The crunch is if it wasn't consensual.

Well, he has admitted coercing her into a sexual act and and then trying to bribe her for full sex, so I think that question is answered.

What an odd thing to say. A 15 year old being attracted to a 13 year old doesn't mean he's still going to be attracted to 13 year olds at the age of 45.

Most teens are attracted to teens up to a couple of years younger than them, but their tastes mature as they do.

There is the fact that he sa abused his sister, but that has nothing to do with wanting to sa his own kids 30 years later.

It's too simplistic to put this down to 'attraction'.
It's sexually deviant behaviour.

There is the fact that he sa abused his sister, but that has nothing to do with wanting to sa his own kids 30 years later.

There is the fact that he crossed the incest boundary and then kept quiet about it for 30 years, until it came out.

@ParkFunRunRun

If you're still 'here'.

Your DH needs to see a counselor specializing in incest/CSA, NOW. He needs to work this through in his head until that counselor can say with confidence that he is not a threat to children, yours or otherwise. That is what will show him 'taking responsibility'. Not some nebulous 'I'll do whatever Sister wants'. She's already said she doesn't want to take it further so him saying that is an empty gesture.

I also think he needs to leave the house for an unspecified time period. First off, you need to get your own head around this and it's much harder when he's there in your face making puppy eyes and mouthing words of regret and 'explanation'. You need to be able to look this coldly in the face and you can't do that with him there.

You also need to get into counseling right away to work this through in your own mind until you come to a decision about your future. His future right now is irrelevant to you. It's what you want and need to for your own sake, and that of your children, that is important.

One other consideration. Right now Sister says she doesn't want to take this further. Fine, that is her choice. It also makes it much easier for you to contemplate staying with him when 'nobody knows'. But if you stay with him, what if 5,10, even 20 years from now she changes her mind and either contacts the authorities or decides to shout it from the rooftop to friends and family? Or tells your children? Are you prepared to have this Sword of Damocles hanging over your head, possibly for the rest of your life? Prepared to deal with the consequences of everyone knowing if she changes her mind? It's easy to brush it under the carpet now and stay with him now, when it's a big secret. Maybe not so easy when 'everybody knows'.

You need time and space AND professional counseling to make the right decision.

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I am so sorry you are facing this. I just want to offer a slightly different perspective to some of the responses you are receiving. I say this as a survivor of childhood SA myself.

Your husband was 15/16 at the time - legally still a child, and developmentally still very much an adolescent. He was old enough to know right from wrong, but at that age, understanding of consent, boundaries, and consequences is often immature, and can be further shaped (or distorted) by factors such as family dynamics, trauma, and the environment he grew up in.

What he did to his sister was profoundly wrong. It was coercive, abusive, and harmful. His sister’s feelings today are absolutely valid and must be respected fully. She owes him nothing, and her boundaries must be honoured.

However, there is a meaningful difference between child-on-child abuse (particularly when the age gap is relatively small) and adult-on-child abuse. The harm is real, but the context, the development stage of the perpetrator, and the longer-term consequences can be different - for both victim and perpetrator.

Recognising this does not excuse what happened, but it can influence how you think about accountability, change, and healing now.

It's important your husband has taken full responsibility, apologised, and is not trying to deny or minimise what he did. That matters because it shows capacity for reflection, remorse, and moral growth.

I encourage you to seek support from a specialist organisation that understands sibling sexual abuse and can help you work through the complexity of this. Specialist counselling could be really helpful to you, whichever path you eventually take.

Sending you strength OP as you work through this.

But he was a child- legally and emotionally.
Boys of 16 can have the emotional development of a 12 year old.

OP I just want to say how sorry I am that you are faced with this. We can all berate him and whilst I agree, I don’t want to detract from the gravity of the situation for you. I think it’s pretty concerning you have children of a similar age.

Would you have continued with a relationship if you knew this from the outset?

It’s very unlikely this was the only occasion he was sexual deviant. I’d consider this one of possibly many incidents and more worrying disclosures.

This is an excellent post and covers it all I think.

I'm also really sorry OP. You must be devastated. But unfortunately our empathy doesn't change any of the material facts.

You're a victim now, but every day that you don't leave him your status becomes more definitively that of one who is complicit. That's awful, but it's best to face it now.

This.

I'm not the same person that I was 30 years ago. Are you?

Tell that to Jamie Bulgers mum.

he was 16 the age of consent.

he is a paedophile

No, but I was never a sexual predator, so?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you actually serious?

THIS MAN COERCED HIS SISTER INTO A SEXUAL ACT WITH HIM. He was 16, not a child.

Please, please, please tell me you don’t have a female child? This man is an utter danger to her if you do.

I am so horrified by your attitude to this.

Someone needs to check your computer. WTAF?!

I think that you need professional support, speak to the charity recommended on here and a counselling service. It’s very complex.

I was SA abused by my sibling, I suspect that she was also SA and replicated it. I’ve never brought it up as an adult as she is so fucked up it wouldn’t help, her SA is her story, I’m not getting involved. However, she has DC, I don’t think that she was ever a risk to them in term of SA.

I was sexually abused and raped by my brother from the age of around 9 to 13/14. He is a couple of years older than me.

To my mother, he was always the perfect child who could do no wrong.
I've been NC with him all my adult life, and was NC with her for long periods. In one of the rare periods when I was in touch with her she disclosed that she either had reported him to SS or was thinking about it - because she was concerned about his behaviour with his daughter. All the while going on about what a wonderful son he was and ignoring his CF leech like behaviour towards her.

You don't state the age/gender of your children, but protecting them should be your first priority,

You seem very calm and his response feels very measured.

I have supported families with similar cases professionally.

One exactly the same where the sister went to the police thought about a parent who now in his forties had abused her as a teenager.

social services and police were immediately involved, the brother/ now father had a breakdown and went into hospital and the mother was distraught and needed time off work while we put a support plan in.

It was monumental all each of them.

Another where we had a third non-related sibling in our school and attended meetings about older siblings. The brother had to move out immediately and again a plan out in place. Parents were completely supportive of getting help and support for all their children.

This isn’t something to minimise/ excuse and you need to be the protective factor your child need to stay safe.

She can report the historic sexual abuse to social services and he can also admit it to social services. That’s how.

But he was a child- legally and emotionally.
Boys of 16 can have the emotional development of a 12 year old.

I think this is too minimising. Boys of 16 with no additional needs (and the OP has not described any), will have emotional development in line with their age. They can work, move out of home, legally have sex, and join the armed forces.

This is a very different life stage to a 13 year old.

I understand how it can be difficult to reconcile the man you know and love with a man who did something so horrific.

However, he is 100% the same person.
He has done something horrendous.

You say you are confidence in your risk assessment. YOU CANNOT BE.

If you were asked last week if he was capable of doing something like this, you would have said no. You don't know this man. You only know what he has chosen to share with you.

You need to safeguard your children and have him move out.
Anything less is parental neglect.
You need counselling and support in terms of nagaviting a way forward - I.e. surprised visits with your children.
You also need support on how to communicate this with your children when appropriate.

You cannot afford to take any chances woth this. You know his sister is truthful. You know he did it. You cannot ignore those two facts.

The vast majority of 12 year old boys don't want sex with their sisters or coerce them into sex acts, either.

There is no indication that he was the victim of csa himself, one of the few things that might to some degree explain his actions and none that what happened was "consensual", as far as it could be.