TW for incest/sexual abuse. What would you do?

[ParkFunRunRun]

So after a falling out between him and his mum, DH’s sister has disclosed to her and raised with DH that when he was 15/16 and she was 13, he coerced her into a sexual act. He the tried to bribe her into having full sex with him and she said ‘no’ thank goodness.

He has taken full responsibility (he is 45 now) and has offered a full apology and offered to talk it through with her if she wants. She doesn’t. Says she doesn’t want anything to do with him except being polite at family gatherings.

We have DC.

Eurgh. What would you do? What do you think?

He has never coerced me sexually or been inappropriate with anyone around me.

I’m going to have to hide this thread. It’s horrifying reading the excuses being made for him, then and now.

It's not bonkers.
The age of criminal responsibility is 10 in England and 12 in Scotland (I think, personally, that 12 is the more reasonable).
There is a massive gulf in maturity between primary school and high school. At 15/16, you are doing exams and preparing to leave school - you're a young adult.
At the age of 12 I would've been repulsed by the knowledge of a brother and sister having a sexual relationship, however I don't think the criminality of it would've registered with me. At 15/16 my thinking on it would've been entirely different, and I'd've expected the brother to be dealt with under the law. And yes, I'd've considered him a disturbed predator very likely to become a regular offender.

Why do you think that? If you live with someone who has admitted to child abuse and incest then not only does the risk from him still stand (did you ever think he would be capable of something like that? How well do you really know him?) but the risk also comes from you as someone who will no immediately put measures in place to protect your children. The expected reaction is that you kick him out and cut all contact. Of course you would not be allowed to have children living with you. Whether you realise it or not, you’re making excuses for him and trying to justify why it’s not clear cut, saying his dad was xyz, that he’s admitted it and is apologetic etc. It is clear cut. If your SIL goes to the police and he admits it to them, your husband would absolutely be charged for historic sex offences.

We as women know how hormones play a huge part in our lives, how often do we act out on a monthly basis?? Without any ability to control our responses

This is nonsense. Of course women don't lack the ability to control their responses due to hormones.

This was not sexual abuse in any shape or form, it was merely a sexual exploration within adolescence

Did you miss the part where OP said that her DH coerced his 13 year old sister into a sexual act?

It's interesting though - I've read so many accounts of people saying their abuse got minimised and ignored when they disclosed it, and this is an excellent example.

WTF is wrong with you!

We all did loopy things as teenagers, how were this is not someone majority of people would have not and is not normal. It’s absolutely vile and disgusting. He should be arrested and not allowed anywhere near any children or minors. I can’t believe you would not leave him the second you found out.

The excuses you are making in for him and sickening. You are also vile and should be nowhere near children. I feel sorry for your kids. I don’t think they are safe with either of you.

This is true in my experience of something quite similat (not in my family). SS removed the husband from the house straight away. In this case, the mother also wanted him out, but don’t think that makes a difference.

As someone who was SA by lads younger than your DH was at the time. I would say you need to remove him from the house. I’m still living with the trauma every day the nightmare’s of thinking there’s someone stood over my bed or lying on top of me.

The problem with this is that you’ll simply never know for sure.

I can’t disclose too much on a public forum like this, but these things are largely crimes of opportunity and they can also evolve/shift as they age. So while he’s not a risk now, what about as your children age? What about them having friends around? What about when your children have children?

It will always be there.

Again this is just not true. Past sexual offending increases the risk of future sexual offending. Not a given and depends on various factors, but what you are saying is factually inaccurate if you have a basic google of the evidence base.

But unless there is a massive backstory none of us are aware of, OPs husband is unlikely to be in the same category of offender that are included in the stats you mention. Those stats are about convicted offenders. Those people are likely to have committed multiple offenses before they are caught and to have spent considerable years escalating in their sexual behaviour/ offending. They are already hard core, and likely compulsive, offenders.

That’s not the case with OPs H who committed one offense as a minor with nothing to suggest he’s done anything since. It’s also pretty rare for men to immediately own up to sexual ‘misbehavior’ so completely. My RL experiences/ as well as accounts on here, of men accused of cheating/ using prostitutes/ watching child sex abuse images etc. is that they create a whole load of lies to hide it. OP’s H has not done this.

Of course exploring all of this with professionals is a good idea, but putting her H in the category of convicted sex offenders and suggesting their stats relate to him, I do not see as an appropriate comparison based on what OP has said in her posts
.

A minor having sexually relations with a minor is not an indication they will be attracted to children as an adult.

Someone who offended as a minor, and for whom in the next three decades, there is no indication they have offended or had an interest in offending, is not someone you should put in the same demographic as the convicted, repeat criminals you are attempting to extrapolate from.

He was 16 and therefore an adult. Stop making excuses for sexual predators.

@TipsyJoker tbf on PP a 16 year old not an adult

Where are you getting this information from? It’s just not true. Perpetrating sexual abuse as a teen is a risk factor for continuing the behaviour into adulthood.

Convictions for sexual offending are incredibly low. It’s nonsense to say those who are convicted are prolific repeat offenders and those who are not convicted are not. If only that were true.

I don’t regard any 16 year old as an adult.

It’s not an excuse to try to think something through rather than jump to sound bite conclusions. He committed a sex offense when he was in his mid teens, with nothing to suggest any offending behaviour since. I don’t believe everyone is beyond rehabilitation. And there seem to be good grounds to think he is.

It’s up to OP to make a decision not only on what she perceives the risk to be but on how her own feelings may have changed about him, regardless of risk.

For context I was sexually abused by a stranger at 11 which has deeply affected my whole life.

But I feel that you are getting a hard time here - this is a huge bombshell that has been totally unexpected and you are trying to get your head around it.

While what your hubby did was obviously appalling and has tragically likely wrecked a large part if not all of his sister's life ... and has now blown his immediate and current family up .... I was quite shocked that he admitted it and apologised. Many men would have made their sisters out to be lying nut jobs and isolated her from the family to cover their own tracks. Does it make it OK? Does that make him a good man? No unfortunately it does not. Does it mean he might have some decency in him somewhere? I hope so for the sake of your kids.

How you process all this - I can only suggest you see a professional to help guide you through.

This happened to me. Not intercourse but unwanted heavy petting. Similar ages to those mentioned in the original post. Maybe it has affected me but I don’t often think about it. I would like to say that I am 100% sure my sibling is nothing but a wonderful father and grandfather and would never be a danger to anyone. I don’t have to like what he did but it doesn’t define his life nor mine.

Exactly, convictions are rare. Thise convicted are unlikely to be first time offenders.

It’s been 30 years in this case with nothing to suggest he’s offended since. I can’t agree it’s reasonable to still label him in the category of a ‘repeat offender’ .

If you can bring me stats on people who committed a singular offense as a teen and then three or mired decades later, I’ll listen. But at the moment you are throwing stats based on very different circumstances and offenders and trying to claim they mean something. I just don’t agree they throw any light on this particular case.

I can’t even comprehend this nonsense, as a person who was subjected to csa by a close family member & was silenced because it might upset people I’m so shocked that the OP doesn’t give a damn about the woman who has to live with this awful, shameful, harmful secret for years. The burden it puts on you as a victim is so visceral. I know I’ve previously commented but the more I read the excuses the more shocked I am

“You deserve your kids taking off you” ?!

Such an uneducated, simplistic view of what is clearly a complex and incredibly difficult situation for the OP.

I don’t know that he only committed a single sexual offence as a teen. Neither do you.

God the posters here are being so harsh, he molested her, not OP! It's your call, I think it was a mistake to post this here though. I personally would end it.

This got me thinking about the awful things people do as teens that they would never, in a million years consider doing as adults. As I posted on another thread inspired by this - I had a relentless bully as a teen - regular death threats, rape threats, i genuinely feared for my life. One day I decided I couldn’t cope anymore and decided I’d “hire a hitman” to kill her. I knew some dodgy people and genuinely planned to ask someone and started saving money to pay them (thankfully never got the nerve to ask in the end). Would I ever do that now? Obviously not. My brain and sense of morals/values were completely different then. I was an idiot. Not minimising what he has done - it’s truly awful and I can’t imagine the lifelong impact he has had on his sister. But it does not automatically mean he, as an adult with a very different brain, must be a sexual predator. I would be wary but I wouldn’t automatically ASSUME. In the same way I hope people wouldn’t assume that I could easily be a murderer.

LOL are you actually for real? He sexually assaulted his SISTER. It’s absolutely disgusting and sick and k would have ran for the hills and reported him myself if I were you. You’re sat here making excuses for him which is also very pathetic.

Come on…. His SiSTER… the one person apart from her parents she should be able to trust 100%. His SISTER, whose probably never been able to get away from
him 🤮🤮