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Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
investmentquandry · 21/04/2025 08:30

I wouldn't pay too much attention to the friend's messages. They will just be saying what he wants to hear. One of my friends has just separated from her DH, and she was regularly moaning about him in a group chat. We (the people in the group chat) are all very aware that she was the difficult one to live with, and we all really liked her DH, but you wouldn't think that from the things we posted. In order to be supportive to her, we simply said what she wanted to hear, things like "not long now and you'll be free", but this was simply because she wanted to be free of him, NOT because we thought being free of him would be a good thing! People aren't stupid. I bet his friends know about his depression and are probably sick of having to listen to his moaning!!

ChicaWowWow · 21/04/2025 08:31

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 07:12

Oh fgs

no

there’s children involved.

op, if I were you, as you’re a sahm, I would hide your time until you mention anything. Meanwhile begin to gather as much financial information that you possibly can and see a lawyer on the sly.

Show quote history

I agree with you @Notsolongthistime!
As satisfying as it would be in a film, @march654, in real life this would be really awful and undignified. Also potentially jeopardising the OP.
OP, as many have said on here, gather all the info necessary, go see a solicitor and set yourself up in the best way you can before you make a move. Do not give your cards away or he'll take advantage.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 08:32

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:56

I think i have all the financial paperwork from his tax return and i needed it recently for something else. I have no doubt that he will be really difficult about it all. But I'm keeping my cards close to my chest whilst I make a plan.

I read in one of his messages that he agreed he'd be more miserable alone than with me. Still didn't inspire him to be less cruel. These messages are not a one off either, it's a pattern of betrayal and cruelty. That's what stings.

Well, hopefully, very soon the choice to either be miserable with you or more miserable alone will be taken out of his hands.

He is a spiteful immature loser and he deserves everything he gets. You and your child will be so much happier without him. He will probably try and guilt trip you to stop you from leaving by having a mental health crisis, but please do not be swayed. He doesn't deserve any loyalty or care from you any more. He will reap what he has sown.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2025 08:32

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2025 08:26

I would one hundred percent move back to the UK. I wouldn’t give a toss whether he agreed to it or not. He doesn’t want to be with you!! Why does he get a say? I also wouldn’t care if he knew you’d seen the messages, that’s what has given you the impetus to leave, it’s great you’ve seen them, for him and you! I would refer back to the messages continually!! I would say ‘But last June you told Mike and Steve you hated me, you wanted to split up but was worried I’d take your money?’ Then say ‘I don’t want your money, I’ll have half of what I’m owed, I’ve given up everything to move here, you clearly hate me according to every message and guess what? I’m not fussed on you! So let’s call it a day, I’m moving back to XXXX in the UK. You do what you want. My new life starts now!

I agree with this. Be truthful. Hold your head high as you put yourself first for once.

Chocaholic1216 · 21/04/2025 08:32

The taking photos of female strangers and sending to his mates about how hot they are is such a red flag too. He sounds absolutely vile and a total misogynist. Were there red flags before or did you think your relationship was fairly solid besides his depression? I’m so sorry he has done this to you as it must feel like such a betrayal from someone you are meant to be able to trust with your life

Xwx1010 · 21/04/2025 08:34

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

This. And then serve him with divorce papers and take his half his money.

nomas · 21/04/2025 08:34

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:51

@BitOutOfPractice no he got fired 5 months ago but he has found a new job starting next month but it's half the salary so I think alot of his anger is stemming from there. Even he can't find a local job because it's incredibly difficult, so he's taking a remote one.

I'm dreading the birthday party. He complained I hadn't got him a birthday present so I explained the party and all the stuff that gone into it, collective present (me and his friends) was his present, given that it costs alot to organise (in UK) and neither of us have been working so money has been tight. I just think it's that realisation now that whatever I do will never be enough and I just need to get out and move on.
Also his friends from the messages will be there. I haven't seen them for years so their responses are all the more hurtful. I want to keep my head held high, so no slideshow. But I might make a toast. One that makes them feel a bit uncomfortable and I will be cold towards them. Ironically the one friends wife has just left him so that speaks volumes. The other friend has never had a girlfriend. So maybe they are all just misogynistic pigs.

Why did you go ahead with the party? Why not cancel when you saw the messages?

rachelvbwho · 21/04/2025 08:35

"she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money"

If he's saying this in his texts he might not actually care if you leave the country with your son.... Do what is best for you!

Pogpog21 · 21/04/2025 08:36
  1. if you haven’t already, take screenshots / send yourself everything (and then delete the record you’ve done so from his phone)
  2. as someone else said get copies of all financial information now and check you are joint on all accounts etc. find his pension and income info
  3. save bits of money here and there right now
  4. focus on yourself - your new job, your fitness and looking after yourself and your son. Smile and plan, plan plan.
  5. get a lawyer and get a plan in plce
  6. keep yourself busy so you don’t need to spend time with him or his friends.
  7. you will be laughing when he’s realised what a mess he has made of his life in the future.
Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/04/2025 08:36

SillyOP · 21/04/2025 07:15

Is any of it true?

You seem more upset about him making things up rather than the nasty things he said

What?????

MollyButton · 21/04/2025 08:36

If you are overseas with an Autistic son, you have to decide now which language you want him to have. That is the advice friends got when living in Belgium, and they choose to move home.
You also need to find the reality of divorce where you are.
There is a story on here somewhere of someone getting divorced in France, and it’s unbelievable just how long it took.

And I have no idea how you are going ahead with this party.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 08:38

Not sure who asked - He got fired for gross misconduct which figures really.

I don't think legally I can just move back to the UK with DS as I would need permission from DH, otherwise he could say I've kidnapped him. I'm exploring all options at the moment, and I've applied for UK jobs too. I just need to catch a break and I'm keeping everything crossed that things go my way.

Is there anything I should keep a record of to guarantee custody? I've kept a diary but I'm not sure how helpful it is. Here they tend to give 50/50 custody and whilst I think it's important to have both parents in your life, I don't think he's capable of looking after DS. Or particularly interested. But i know he's so tight with money he won't want to pay child maintenance.

OP posts:
Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/04/2025 08:39

nomas · 21/04/2025 08:34

Why did you go ahead with the party? Why not cancel when you saw the messages?

Show quote history

Because she needs to keep up appearances until she’s in a position to leave ?

MikeRafone · 21/04/2025 08:39

I think these messages and lies contained within, are his way of blaming you for the way he feels. You’ve become his minds scapegoat, you’re the problem, not working, nagging etc

whereas the truth is he is the issue, but by shifting the blame to you - he doesn’t have to take responsibility.

if you leave he will then still have you to blame

i would photograph many of the messages, when you do work out your plan and leave - do send them to him and say, you no longer have me to blame for being miserable. Do let him know you’ve seen the messages and the untruths he has told about you. It’s about time he took responsibility for his own happiness

LushLemonTart · 21/04/2025 08:39

I agree with going on holiday to the UK if you can and staying there.

I hope you kept/copied the messages?

Lis667 · 21/04/2025 08:41

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/04/2025 08:39

Because she needs to keep up appearances until she’s in a position to leave ?

Show quote history

Yes, I would act like absolutely nothing is wrong and bide your time then you can shock him

Hathall · 21/04/2025 08:42

Seeing as the party is going ahead, you should be your usual lovely and friendly self. Be warm, attentive and tell his friends how pleased you are that they could make it to make dh’s birthday so wonderful. Counteract the narrative.

minisoksmakehardwork · 21/04/2025 08:44

Do you have friends or family you could 'visit' with your son in the UK once you've got everything you need sorted at your end?

I'm just thinking if you want to return home, and may want support from them while you go through this, it's a way to leave the country without raising suspicion.

Although I would also take advice from a legal professional you trust - if the therapist is saying such things I'd be cautious that a local lawyer/solicitor might say something that gives your dh a heads up.

Auldy · 21/04/2025 08:44

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:56

I think i have all the financial paperwork from his tax return and i needed it recently for something else. I have no doubt that he will be really difficult about it all. But I'm keeping my cards close to my chest whilst I make a plan.

I read in one of his messages that he agreed he'd be more miserable alone than with me. Still didn't inspire him to be less cruel. These messages are not a one off either, it's a pattern of betrayal and cruelty. That's what stings.

I know it's hard but it might be helpful to think about how much his words actually mean to you. We have all been programmed to feel hurt by other people's opinions of us. But if you think about your situation logically you might feel less hurt.
You know you are a very capable, loving, kind, resilient woman. You know he is not any of these things. He sounds like he has no self-esteem and he is absolutely projecting his self-hatred on to you. His friends don't know you. They are his friends. His therapist doesn't know you. He pays her/him to be nice to him. So none of their opinions need to matter to you. When you pass a dog in the street and it barks at you, do you become upset and offended and wonder why the dog doesn't like you? No of course not. It's sometimes helpful to think of strangers who hold an opinion about you that you disagree with like a barking dog. A bit annoying but quickly forgotten.

As for your husband, your relationship is clearly unsustainable. I actually don't think you need a big show down or even any explanation. What's the point in trying to have an honest conversation or look for closure with a liar and a malcontent. He will just continue to build on his narrative that you are the bad guy who wants his money. Just get your ducks in a row and leave. Not knowing why you have gone will be his burden to bear.

nomas · 21/04/2025 08:44

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 21/04/2025 08:39

Because she needs to keep up appearances until she’s in a position to leave ?

Show quote history

But they had a big argument two weeks ago where OP told him she wants out of the marriage.

It’s possible to keep things on an even keel in the house without throwing him a big party.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 08:48

I've kept all of the messages.

If I cancel the party it just gives him more ammunition. Better to show up and show everyone what a lovely person I am so he will look like even more of a dick to have thrown that away.

I do agree with others, he has low self esteem and alot of his unhappiness is projected on to me as I live (put up) with him. After our fight 2 weeks ago, he said he felt unloved all the time, by me and our son. And I tried to explain that his behaviour didn't inspire any emotional closeness between us with his dark moods and shutting himself in the bedroom all the time, not making effort etc. But he is always the victim. Our son has a psychologist who I see frequently to help with parenting strategies to deal with some of the harder parts of his autistic traits. DH has only been once in 7 months and he's jot worked for 5 months. If he really cared about improving his relationship with DS, he could have. I told him last year I wasn't going to spend any time planning dates for us because he was always so horrible so we haven't had a date since August last year. And yet he can plan to go for lunch with his friends. I don't want a relationship with someone who can't be bothered, who is only with me because they are worried about losing money in a divorce. I know I deserve better. I know it's not about me.

OP posts:
Wtafdidido · 21/04/2025 08:48

I hope you have kept copies of all the messages for your solicitor when you divorce him!

Cerialkiller · 21/04/2025 08:49

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

This is evil genius level. What perfect revenge.

I would also get evidence of the messages just so I could start quoting them when I left him. When he starts begging you to reconsider you reply 'but why do you want to stay together when I'm lazy and make you miserable' 'sounds like you would be happier without me' etc?

Ophy83 · 21/04/2025 08:50

Book an appointment with a UK solicitor to discuss your options and whether you can move back if that's what you want. They can meet you remotely so you being abroad won't be a problem. If they need any documents you can bring them when you're in the UK for the party

caramac04 · 21/04/2025 08:51

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

If your ducks will be lined up, do this and tell him to go and stay with one of his mates. Shame he will have to lose his money after losing the love and respect of his wife, oh dear.