Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Some women will put up with literally ANYTHING just to say they have a man.

That would make it much much worse. That he is inventing derogatory bullshit to denigrate her to his friends “but it’s not what he really thinks” makes it 1000 times worse.

The classism in this post is awful. Have a word with yourself.

Wealthy men can also be cnuts and abusive too.

What a ridiculous post.

I suspect your DH is a covert narcissist as the behaviours you’re describing are very similar to my ex, particularly the lack of feeling not only towards you but also indifference to his DS. The tool of illness to gain and keep centre stage. The lies fed to friends, family, colleagues to bolster him and discredit you.There’s lots of videos on YouTube that will help you understand the sense of entitlement and lack of conscience these individuals experience.

I know that you want to keep him in your ds’s life but these are not easy people to co-parent with. My 3 children no longer have contact with their dad as he moved to emotionally abusing them when he could no longer control me. A man who can devalue his partner in this way is unlikely to be a reliable dad.

Narcissists are obsessed with money as it equates to control and status so the advice on having complete oversight of your financials and contingency planning is spot on. Do not expect that he’ll behave decently/honestly.

It’s devastating to realise that essentially you’ve been conned by your partner. But better to realise now that your life isn’t authentic and that you can create something better for both of you, wherever you decide to live. The way in which you’ve managed your family life and retrained in a new country demonstrates what a competent person you are.

Make your plan for a different future knowing lots of us will be willing you on 💐

Love this! Drop them all in the s* for the way they view and talk about you and other women. 👍🏼 absolutely awful the way you have spoken about xx

I thought diagnoses of personality disorders had to be made by psychologists or psychiatrists, not ”therapists” which is a much broader practice group (even with qualifications).

It’s not that clear cut really. A Cognitive Therapist, or Psychodynamic Psychotherapist etc, may well be a qualified Clinical Psychologist who has decided to specialise in that model of therapy.

Psychologists etc that diagnose these personalities are what? People who read the books , talked about it up in Uni and got a piece of paper to say they have been taught what to look for so they are experts.

I say living with someone for 10 15 20 years qualifies a person too. Just as being a nurse aged 16 and working the job, learning as you go was enough for decades to progress your career, or apprenticeships. Just as a parent can diagnose measles, can teach reading and writing, You don’t need a degree in teaching to teach. I have known ignorant teachers. Teachers marking homework wrong when it was correct. I’ve known people in other professions , including medical get it wrong. I’d be dead if I’d believed my doctor. A degree is no guarantee of knowledge or ability. It’s just a piece of paper that says you went to Uni and completed a course.

They aren’t right in the head. Part of their brain, the bit that deals with emotions and empathy is underdeveloped. They don’t love. Everything is about them. They are money orientated. They use people but don’t love like ‘normal ‘ people understand it.
They want to. They will put someone on a pedestal at the start..hence the love bombing. But their ‘beloved’ soon shows flaws..and then the devalue stage kicks in..finding fault, the digs, the verbal and emotional abuse.
That is different from mental health issues like depression. Depression etc can be helped. Chemical imbalance .
The narcissistic personality cannot be helped or changed , cured as they don’t see they have a problem. They need to disguise their low self esteem and hide feelings of shame behind a mask of superiority. Bringing down a person they know to be high value is their way of making themselves feel better than.
Leaving is the only thing to do. It’s time the law took these personalities/ behaviours into consideration when it comes to marriage breakdowns and children .

And to address a point…wealthy people can be like this. It is not confined to a ‘class’

Don't know if the OPs husband has the personality disorder. It’s enough that his behaviour makes her unhappy. That’s why we leave. We don’t need the label, we leave because of the behaviour. The label just means describing what it’s like in a few words rather than itemising the abuses.

At the end of the day, it is just a label. If the guy has been making you miserable for years, criticise you with friends and family and is expecting sex without putting any effort.., you don’t even need a medical degree to correctly diagnose him, you just need to be honest with yourself and your feelings and find the courage to leave.

At the end of the day, if someone has a stroke and runs you over with a car, the fact that it is not their fault doesn’t diminish the damage done to your person.

“he moved to emotionally abusing them when he could no longer control me”

I noticed that as well, the moment he realised he couldn’t hurt me, he went for what I most cared about: My child.

He no longer has contact with him, his ultimate way to hurt us both at the same time, but it has been such a massive blessing in disguise, even if it has taken years to see it.

I hope at the party you manage to let his friends know you are working and supporting him while he is unemployed I would be slipping it into every conversation

This thread is over 2 months old….

What a nasty victim blaming comment

How did the party go @Hummusandcrisps? Have you managed to leave?

SillyOP - " Is any of it true? You seem more upset about him making things up rather than the nasty things he said!"
I would be upset at all the messages which I think she (Hummusandcrisps) is, but I would be fuming for all the ones that were absolute lies - rather than just his opinion of me. For sure she should be upset at the them without anybody wondering why she is more upset at the lies???????????? or if it is true - WTF