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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
ZiggaZigAh · 21/04/2025 08:06

When you leave, set up a WhatsApp group with all his mates and their wives. Post screenshots of the messages. Then give a blow by blow account of your version of events, and what life as a smart, resourceful, supportive and kind partner has been like with this unemployed, depressed selfish victim. Then wish him luck finding a hot young thing who wants this prize 😉

If he’s not working, can you get a job back in the uk (or wherever home / your support network is) and all move together and then divorce him once you’re back? Your situation sounds complex, definitely get legal advice before you do anything else.

For what it’s worth, the version of events he’s telling his mates may not be 100% what he really thinks of you; some of it is perhaps bravado and reveals more about his insecurities, his sense of entitlement, lack of loyalty and his inability to take account for his own happiness (which may or may not be linked to depression). Those are not the qualities of a decent man. This will be so incredibly painful for you but try and reframe it for what it is, his issue not your shortcomings.
You will absolutely thrive without this man (but with ‘his’ money and your son!).

eish · 21/04/2025 08:07

It sounds awful. Have you taken copies of those awful messages, just in case you need them for the future? I understand about you not wanting to move back but do you have a network of friends there? A therapist is an excellent idea. Dont rule out moving home if that’s what you need - he can’t stop you for the reasons you have outlined. It might be worth doing a little exploring / job hunting on the side to check.

olympicsrock · 21/04/2025 08:07

You are indeed a strong capable woman. It sounds like he won’t want lots of time with DS.

He can’t stop you from moving back to the UK and choosing where YOU want to live if you did.

You will so much better off without him. I would also cancel the birthday party. After all things are not good between you and it isn’t a time to celebrate. Who cares what anyone else thinks - you won’t be in contact with his friends in a year anyway…. His wonderful friends can still do something if they have all saved the date. Get your money back ….

Foolsgold74 · 21/04/2025 08:08

I would never tell him I saw the messages. I'd let him think I was simply leaving him because I no longer loved him or wanted to be around him. It's far more of a dent to his ego. I'd also come back to the UK. I'd invent an emergency reason. Parent suddenly ill/sister had an accident/whatever and then text him that you're divorcing him once you're safely away. By hook or by crook, set up a new life here. It's your native language, easier to find a job, more of a safety net and out of reach of that bell-end.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/04/2025 08:08

HomeTheatreSystem · 21/04/2025 07:51

Beyond vile! I think he feels emasculated as you've done so much of the heavy lifting and all he's excelled at is being a fucking disappointment. The nasty things written about you are actually true of him. Get photos of the messages as backup. Once he realises you've seen them he'll delete them and he'll tell you that you imagined them.

100% this.

It’s not an excuse but there’s been a consecutive string of life events - depression/ admission to mental health hospital / losing his job then taking less well paid job / son not as interested in him which clearly have knocked his confidence. He feels shit because his idea of what he would/ should be doing hasn’t worked out - that’s not a reflection on you at all! But I suspect it’s easier for him to rewrite a narrative in his own head and blame you than to accept he’s really embarrassed and unhappy with himself. Cowardly and childlike. Even the whole complaining about not having a birthday present - is he literally 5?

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job and I know you said your confidence has been knocked but honestly what you’ve achieved in last few years is incredibly admirable. Please speak to a friend IRL if you can and a seperate therapist is a great idea. There will be lots of good advice on here re ducks in a row. It sounds to me that nothing you ever do will be good enough - he really needs to work on himself and like another PP says perhaps he would be forced to do so without you propping him up. Sending virtual hugs x

Wasywasydoodah · 21/04/2025 08:09

i was thinking the same about moving to the uk while ‘in holiday’. It’s worth getting legal advice over. I imagine it’s quite hard for him to force you back there legally

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 21/04/2025 08:11

Reading your updates op, i think he is projecting. He knows what he is saying isn’t true, he is just using it to bolster his rock bottom self esteem. That doesn’t make it alright of course, it’s bloody awful and something he should address with his therapist. It is NOT you, it’s him!

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 21/04/2025 08:11

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

I'm so so sorry you read those awful things. Sending you love and strength. This is who he really is. You deserve so much better.

dogsandcatsandhorses · 21/04/2025 08:13

For now don’t worry about what he hypothetically might or might not agree to.
He only sounds concerned about losing money.

As long as he cannot see your history start looking at jobs and rentals back in the UK near family and friends. This is just to see if it viable for you to move back.
if you decide to then bring dc on a visit, “ for an assessment” or to visit family, a family occasion maybe, then delay going back. Sometimes it only takes that first step for you to see what you really want and how it can be achieved.
And as a pp said, make corpus of everything, his messages, bank details, pensions etc…
You can have a much happier life than this.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/04/2025 08:13

You sound really strong OP.

Kamek · 21/04/2025 08:15

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

Yes exactly this!

Lilactimes · 21/04/2025 08:15

You sound incredible @Hummusandcrisps
Please don’t let his behaviour make you feel worse about yourself - keep telling yourself everything you have done and achieved to keep your family going.

Good luck xx

Pinkissmart · 21/04/2025 08:16

OP, your situation resonates with me. My ex painted a picture of me to his friends too.

First, please try not to absorb the messages. What he is saying isn't true. His friends are probably just making a response - it doesn't mean they believe him . If they do, it's because he has fed them a bunch of lies. In either case try to release them, and their perceived opinion from your thoughts- ruminating on them won't help now.

I would, however make casual small talk with many of them and drop into conversation that you've been retraining, working etc.
I would also mention that it's so lovely that your husband has their support.

My ex went off the rails after we split. No one was around ( his family 3 hours away, my family in another country)) I felt like I had to hold him together for our kids sake. It was really really stressful. So, I'm suggesting that you make some positive connections with his friends so that they can be his support system- not you. I would have loved to have had a friend if his who I could contact to give the burden to.

Although it doesn't seem like it now, it is a blessing you found those messages. You may have been dragged along in an unhappy marriage, being ground down for years. As painful as it is, those messages have given you your future back.

Finally, I would recommend that you keep your side of the street clean. Don't react to horrible messages, don't send shitty messages to him. Just be very measured in all communication with him. I had a police officer look at our phone messages and based on that it was decided that my ex was abusive. They couldn't just shrug it off as an equal back and forth.

Best of luck

TaggieO · 21/04/2025 08:17

He doesn’t work, doesn’t look after your child, doesn’t pull his weight at home, and isn’t kind to you - just leave. Go home. It doesn’t matter what he wants. I bet you anything he won’t bother to contest it, particularly when he can’t handle your son on his own.

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2025 08:21

What a bastard he is! You are a better person than me by not confronting him at the time and handing him his arse on a plate, so well done!
Your way will hit him much harder if he hasn’t got a clue what’s coming to him. Serves him right.

Gardenertobe · 21/04/2025 08:22

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

This. Disgusting man. So sorry OP, hope you are okay. Him having one close friend who loves dragging down other people like that would give me serious doubts, let alone him making up a gang of assholes for that purpose. You deserve so so much better. I do agree with the previous poster, try not to linger on his friends, they are just responding on the spot based on his lies although they really shouldn’t get involved. I had a friend years ago who always tried to drag their partner to me and I always refused to take part. These people clearly don’t have many brain cells.

Viviennemary · 21/04/2025 08:24

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 21/04/2025 07:16

And I wouldn’t feel bad about looking at his phone either! You were trying to plan something nice for the undeserving dickhead!

I don't think partners should be snooping on phones. However looks like OPs relationship is doomed. Who could carry on after reading this.

Tooty78 · 21/04/2025 08:25

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

This!
Good idea to spread a little dissension amongst the ranks of the 'boys'. They sound vile, whilst you sound bloody amazing.
Your new life will be fantastic without this dead weight of an h dragging you down.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 21/04/2025 08:25

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:17

For context, I've been a SAHM for 5 years since DS was born and mainly due to moving abroad when I was pregnant for DH job to a location where my career doesn't exist. Also partly because DH has suffered with severe mental health problems (depression) that resulted in him being hospitalised for 6 weeks & off work for 4 months when DS was 1. He still is depressed but it's managed through medication but he has relapses now and again, stays in bed all day etc. Also I haven't worked partly due to the lack of childcare until DS started preschool last September. During that time I Iearnt the local language, passed the language test, went back to uni & retrained & now I'm working again, soon to be full time. DS is autistic too (high functioning) and really difficult to manage. He won't go anywhere with DH without me - school, park. He only wants to be around me so it's alot.
I just feel so down about it all. Like I've been holding alot for such a long time at home and this feels like the biggest betrayal. It's so personal. My confidence has been really low for a while and I was really excited and proud to have found a good job in a tough jobs market and I just feel like he's diminished me and made me feel worthless and then all of his friends have jumped in and collectively agreed being with me must be the worst option.

Oh wow, thuis just gets better, doesn't it? You've supported this arsewipe through all of this and this is how you're repaid?

I agree with PP, take your time, get yourself sorted. If there's any way you could have things tied up on time fo this milestone birthday and serve him with divorce papers as a mice treat, that would be pretty satisfying, but don't rush it just to get revenge.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2025 08:26

I would one hundred percent move back to the UK. I wouldn’t give a toss whether he agreed to it or not. He doesn’t want to be with you!! Why does he get a say? I also wouldn’t care if he knew you’d seen the messages, that’s what has given you the impetus to leave, it’s great you’ve seen them, for him and you! I would refer back to the messages continually!! I would say ‘But last June you told Mike and Steve you hated me, you wanted to split up but was worried I’d take your money?’ Then say ‘I don’t want your money, I’ll have half of what I’m owed, I’ve given up everything to move here, you clearly hate me according to every message and guess what? I’m not fussed on you! So let’s call it a day, I’m moving back to XXXX in the UK. You do what you want. My new life starts now!

HeyCooper · 21/04/2025 08:26

Rooting for you op! Great to get your stuff together first. At the party be you’re usual lovely self to everyone including the WhatsApp blokes. It will put a seed of doubt in their minds.

missdeamenor · 21/04/2025 08:28

Try and keep a calm head and get photos of these to take to the solicitor. Now you know what a bastard he is I would take him to the cleaners. Not much I can say to make you feel better at the moment. Start thinking about a fresh start and confide in someone you trust.

Zonder · 21/04/2025 08:29

That's so horrible - especially when he got fired and hasn't been working / earning.

What did he do to get fired? He sounds awful.

Alucard55 · 21/04/2025 08:30

I think you should be lovely and warm and friendly at the party. Don't give him anything so he can say to his friends "see I told you she was like that".

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2025 08:30

He’s stuck in victim mode and has cast you as the perpetrator to seek emotional sympathy and attention from his friends. Talking with his friends about other hot women he could easily have if not stuck with you is pure ego boosting. In other words, It’s not about you, it’s about him. This is why he will say he wants another chance with you, because he knows deep down that you are not the problem.

I think you are amazing OP, learning the local language and re-skilling whilst looking after your son and without your husband’s support. What you’ve done is incredible. You’ll be so much better without him dragging you down.