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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2025 07:24

Well I tell you what, you sound MAGNIFICENT to me. Look at all you have achieved! In contrast, What an absolute scummy arsehole your h is.

have you got any savings? Can you, if you want to, get back to the uk? (If that’s where you’re from?)

.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:27

I saw the messages 3 weeks ago. I have been doing contracting work for the last 2 months. But I'm also interviewing for a full time job and I'm really pinning everything on that. I'm overseas too just to complicate things further. I'm feeling very isolated but trying to be focus on having a plan.

We have had ups and downs in our marriage and last year we had couples therapy but I didn't find it helpful. I felt that DH uses his depression as an excuse and always plays the victim. He had a relapse in September and to be honest dealing with his poor mental health has ground me down. He often just goes to bed in the middle of the day - he was fired from his job 5 months ago.
I think what really stung is the lack of appreciation for all I do (so he can focus on his mental well being). I've always supported him. I think what surprised me was the level of contempt towards me. I can't imagine being with someone if I felt that way. Whenever we argue he love bombs me so I find it all confusing. But I know I deserve better.

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/04/2025 07:29

He's a millstone round your neck. A nasty selfish prick and not even any use as a husband.

Enjoy your freedom.

Temporaryname158 · 21/04/2025 07:30

Make sure you have copies of all messages! Start siphoning cash so you have some fall back money and ensure you empty 50% of joint accounts just prior to telling him so he doesn’t shit off your access to any money.

good luck, he’s behaved awfully!

TheIceBear · 21/04/2025 07:32

What an absolute pr*ck. what struck me is him saying he doesn’t want his son he just wants the money. Depression is not an excuse for this horrific behaviour.and taking photos of women in public is horrible too. I think you are right and there is no coming back from this. You sound incredibly patient to have not said anything to him yet, I couldn’t hold back if I saw this regardless of whether I should or shouldn’t have been looking at the phone. I hope you have some support in real life op.

MoreChocPls · 21/04/2025 07:32

If you’re living abroad, you need to be careful. Would you want to come back to the UK to live? You could come back for a holiday and not return… with the kids. You need to get evidence of all his financials and photos of those messages. Get your ducks in a row before you leave. There’s no coming back from this. It’s hurtful and nasty.

Weenurse · 21/04/2025 07:34

There was a school parent who struggled badly with depression and their partner stepped up in a huge way.
The parent only improved once they separated as the parent then had to go out and do things for themselves.
Your partner may need you to leave to for him to improve.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:36

I'm overseas (Europe) so I can't just move unless DH agreed. I'm trying to get myself in a more financially independent position and will take some legal advice. I just want my son to stay with me. I don't think DH will be bothered anyway by the sounds of it. But he's quite a spiteful person - holds grudges. Whatever the outcome he will need to feel like he's won in someway. I just want to get away from him. We had a big argument 2 weeks ago, alot was said. I told him I wanted out and he said he wanted to give it one last shot. So I'm going along with it, whilst I try to work out a way to leave. His biggest complaint is lack of sex and I tried to explain to him that his behaviour doesn't inspire intimacy but it's as if he thinks he's entitled to it. It's so awful.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 21/04/2025 07:37

So you are working, he is not and he’s going on to his friends he will lose ‘his’ money? He is appalling.
Do his honestly think a ‘sexy’ woman will take him on? While he goes off to be bed with depression, or is in hospital with it?
He is creating a victim narrative with his friends. And you are the target. Please know as friends we tend to agree with another friend when they are moaning. And men especially will just agree easily.
The picture of the young woman is disgusting. Very disturbing.
You know you need to leave him. When you do, be prepared. Suddenly, he will want you back. It happens on here a lot.
You are a warrior and you deserve better. He is a self obsessed little twerp. As for his big birthday, not sure how old he is, but he can spend it with his mates.

user1471538283 · 21/04/2025 07:37

This is awful but I'd give him his wish. He has nothing but contempt for you. It's good you are now working. You can get assets together and make plans

The birthday gets knocked on the head and he gets no more support. He's thinking he will get money and a hot new girlfriend. And then in years to come get will wonder why his DS is not interested, the hot girlfriend will have gone as soon as the money runs out and she's sick of dealing with his mental health.

Honestly people never cease to amaze me. He's got it all and it's still not enough.

Sevenamcoffee · 21/04/2025 07:37

He sounds like a prince 🙄You’ll be far better off without him OP. Get out of there as soon as you can.

rockingbird · 21/04/2025 07:37

Wow! What a nice man he is.. gather the financial information quietly and get some back up money behind you. To think you’ve been holding the fort whilst he’s had MH issues, pretty much raised the DC singlehanded, relocated to facilitate his job .. I’d be going full guns blazing on this tool. As the saying goes - be careful what you wish for!

eish · 21/04/2025 07:37

Would you want to move back here to feel less isolated? I think make plans to be fully independent, you sound wonderful and self motivated.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 07:39

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:27

I saw the messages 3 weeks ago. I have been doing contracting work for the last 2 months. But I'm also interviewing for a full time job and I'm really pinning everything on that. I'm overseas too just to complicate things further. I'm feeling very isolated but trying to be focus on having a plan.

We have had ups and downs in our marriage and last year we had couples therapy but I didn't find it helpful. I felt that DH uses his depression as an excuse and always plays the victim. He had a relapse in September and to be honest dealing with his poor mental health has ground me down. He often just goes to bed in the middle of the day - he was fired from his job 5 months ago.
I think what really stung is the lack of appreciation for all I do (so he can focus on his mental well being). I've always supported him. I think what surprised me was the level of contempt towards me. I can't imagine being with someone if I felt that way. Whenever we argue he love bombs me so I find it all confusing. But I know I deserve better.

Do you know what? He will miss you far more than you will miss him. His hideous and unfair messages about you to his friends are all bravado and hot air. You have been dealing with and supporting him through his various mental health crises for a long time. How easy does he think it will be to find a hot younger model who would love to support a depressed man having a mental health crisis who has just been fired from his job?

You also sacrificed your career to support his career overseas and you have managed to learn the language, re-train and do everything for your son. That's amazing and you should be proud of yourself.

He's a fucking ungrateful loser who has just been fired. How dare he criticise and mock you to his mates.

Pandacrazedchild · 21/04/2025 07:39

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

That's exactly what I was thinking.
How awful, I'm sorry op.

freshpyjamas · 21/04/2025 07:39

take photos of his phone screen with your phone of every single message - you want those in your arsenal.

Treacletreacle · 21/04/2025 07:40

I think you are amazing OP and i suspect alot of the things he has said have come from a place of jealousy. Look at what you have achieved and be proud. Your husband is like a sea saw in order to make himself feel up he needs to put you down. Depression or not he has lied to make you look bad to his friends to mask his own pathetic life. Push that sea saw back to how it has always been you at the top. This is your time now to shine. Fuck what his stupid friends think, you know the truth.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2025 07:41

Hold on a minute. So he’s not working?

Happywithamillion · 21/04/2025 07:42

OP, he sounds like a one of life’s losers, knows it deep down and finds fault with you to make himself feel better. His mates agree out of charity.

Hold your head high - from what I have learnt about you, you will make your life a success and it will be easier without him and his MH dragging you down. Good luck!

Lis667 · 21/04/2025 07:42

Absolutely do the slide show, plan the party, invite his friends and do the slideshow. And then I would tell him I’m leaving him. If you do or not is up to you, depending on if you can move on from it. He will probably panic, and say he didn’t mean it etc. Iv been there before after seeing messages, not as bad as that but it’s still a horrible feeling.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:43

@eish I don't think he would ever agree to me moving back to the UK because my home town is so far from his and he would always want to move back there. I also think financially I might be better off where I am and trying to make a go if it here. I've been alone in this marriage for a long time, I'm sure I can cope out here. I've not been able to discuss it with friends here because he's so nice to everyone, I don't think anyone would believe me. I'm going to try and get a therapist to have someone to talk to with a different perspective. I haven't told my family because I know they will worry.
What's also terrible is I saw a message between him and his therapist in which he was complaining about me not working (at the time) and she is making a joke about it at my expense. It all just feels really mean. I've really had to network to try to land a job and all of my efforts are being diminished or dismissed. I'm just praying I can get this full time one.

OP posts:
LemonDrizzleSlices · 21/04/2025 07:44

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

This is all I could think too. Go ahead with the party and show them all up.

Hillsaremyhappyplace · 21/04/2025 07:49

I just wanted to agree with the others that you sound totally amazing OP. You have moved to a foreign country, learned the language, retrained, got a fantastic job. All this whilst having a child with autism and a husband with depression (who sounds like a total shit)

You do not deserve this. But maybe it’s good you found this out about him. It’s shocking but at least you know and you can cut your losses.

You can totally do this. Sending you strength and solidarity. Please keep posting. We’re all behind you.

Iammatrix · 21/04/2025 07:49

SillyOP · 21/04/2025 07:15

Is any of it true?

You seem more upset about him making things up rather than the nasty things he said

I did wonder whilst reading it also.

OP, it doesn’t matter whether what he wrote is true or not, it’s the fact that he wrote it and that he feels it.

Why is the hardest part seeing all of his friends being ‘complicit’? Is it really?

As for not speaking to him about it for 3 weeks. If despite you seeing these messages on his phone which you went on for the innocent reason of getting some numbers, you can’t sit down and talk about or stand up and have a row about it, whatever, then there are reasons to be out of this marriage over and above the discovered tests.

As for the slideshow @march654, would you really?

claudiaswinklemen · 21/04/2025 07:49

I don't think he would ever agree to me moving back to the UK because my home town is so far from his and he would always want to move back there.

Do you need his permission though?

Reading your post left me feeling really angry for you. At least now you're in full possession of the facts. You can plan. If you think it's safer for him to feel like he's won, when you're ready, take him at his word in the next argument and say, "you're right, we should split up". Then broken record technique and move forward with your plans.