Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

I was going to say that I think there's a bit of 'poor me' going on here, but it's striking that his own therapist has mentioned narcissism. 😮

The best outcome was for you to have been in a genuinely happy, mutually respectful marriage, however, I still think it's best that you found this out now rather than in a decade or two.

I can bet that when you do leave him, there will be a lot of self-pity continuing on his side for a very long time.

@march654 Do you work in TV or film, because that level of scene setting would be a great & shocking scene. Honestly wouldn't blame the OP if she did this, but I don't think it's worth it as it will only increase the inevitable reputational retaliation she'll already get from leaving him. Their wives might make a serious note of it though.

This may be the experience you have with the losers in your social sphere but it isn’t normal.

I know a lot of men and they don’t speak like this. Men with money or from wealthy families don’t speak like this.

'Men with money or from wealthy families don’t speak like this.' 😂😂

And people with class never speak like that, or mention money at all. How extraordinarily vulgar.🙄

I'm a scientist. I can think outside of my 'social sphere', and propose hypotheses which attempt to throw light on, in this case, human behaviour. A hypothesis is just that, a suggestion for discussion and experiment.

Jumping to conclusions is the idiot's response.

As are ad hominem attacks.

Absolutely wrong. I’ve mentioned my husband had awful messages and he is wealthy and from a wealthy family. Rudness, cruelty,
lying, disrespect and arrogance aren’t exclusive to poor people

I agree with this advice in hindsight believing now that I was dealing with a narcissist, I played right into his hands and justified what he had been saying that I was mad etc the usual things they say. If it happened now no matter how I felt he would not see one bit of it.

i left when my daughter was 2 she is almost 12 and he still holds a grudge. I am just so happy I am getting to the point where she can communicate with him and start getting herself around because I am sick to death of dealing with this guy.

Please leave him. He does not love or respect you.

There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot.... this is a crime and he is a creep.

I am in awe of you. You are in such an awful situation, but you have a clear plan to get yourself and your son out of it. I think that, whatever your soon-to-be-ex will do, you will have happiness ahead of you, despite his attempts to try and sabotage it.

I also think that your husband is faking depression to get out of responsibilities. I also think that his attitude toward his own son is despicable. It's not a child's job to love his father. It's the father's job to love his son. Thankfully, your son has you. It looks like you are his rock.

I am wishing you and your son a bright future, but I think you will have that either way.

YIkes!! 😳

What sort of a therapist is he going to? Is the person even qualified and registered? Responding the way she did does not sound very professional.

Fuck this shit, life is too short! LTB!!!

@Hummusandcrisps - I’m sorry, I have nothing constructive to add, but I just wanted to tell you that I admire your fortitude and positive approach in a very difficult situation. Doing what you’ve been doing in a foreign country is admirable, even without all the trouble you have had with your H and his mental health. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of a great new contract, and extracting yourself from this horrible situation. Actually, I do have one piece of advice, which is to arm yourself with information about where you would stand legally should you wish to take your son with you to the UK eventually, and see a solicitor asap on the qt to work out where best for you to file for divorce. You’ve already got so many “ducks in a row”, I feel sure you will come out of this well and with your head held high and in the best possible place for your son and you. Best of luck also for manoeuvring your way through the birthday party without letting on what you know and what you’re planning.
Sending you strength to keep going the way you have been.

I'm amazed at your fortitude and so much want you to stuff his 'special' birthday celebrations and when people comment why? Let them know what your so-called DH is really like.
But you have followed advise from people here and I can only add that you keep lining your ducks up in a row. anything that could potentially be used against him should recorded so keep records of the comments where he is lying to his friends about you. This added to what that you already have will complete the picture that he is a liar and narcissist. This is a man who 'isn't' well, fit or able to look after his own child and has be undergoing treatment for a long time with no tangible improvement. Likewise every time he takes to his bed record it in a diary. Keep yourself motivated and aim high!

I think you sound incredible, married to a toxic man who blames you for his depression and expecting you to step up to make him feel loved and satisfy his sexual needs. In spite of all this to deal with you’ve trained so you can get a job! His friends replies to his awful messages about you doesn’t matter because they are unimportant as they don’t know you and their opinions don’t matter.
You spend the next few months concentrating on getting a full time job and permanent residency, squirrel money away in a separate account for when you move out.
Once you can leave your’s and your son’s life will improve because you won’t be walking on egg shells around his needs and living with someone who resents you both. Your marriage is dead and it’s a toxic atmosphere to bring a child up.
Your husband won’t want anything to change because he gets to play victim whilst you do all the work, when you leave he has no one to pander to him or to blame. Once you are about to walk out the door there will be declarations of love and how he will change! It won’t! Then when that doesn’t work, there might be suicide threats to stop you leaving but you know how he really feels about you so keep on walking as people like him are vampires that are not satisfied until they drain the last bit of essence from you and your spirit is broken.

Honestly I'd fly home and stay with parents. I'd give notice on the house that's rented out, so I could live in it. I'd get the ball rolling with the divorce and get a job ASAP so I could buy him out of the house.

OP, wanted to say you’re a superwoman, relocating, retraining, learning another language, caring for a child with ASD and supporting your H through depression and dismissal! Agree that it’s better to have found out now: what a horrendous discovery for you.
I echo the advice of others to seek the best forum for your divorce: the Uk is well known as one of the fairest for divorcing women so I would make sure you’re well advised on that, and start getting things quietly ready.
and while I may not go for the high drama reveal suggested above, it would be an interesting speech I would give at his birthday party, let’s put it that way.
I wish you all the best in moving on from
this toxic man and rebuilding your life without him.

OP I have great admiration for how you are handling this. You are calm, thoughtful, steadfast and determined. Your son is lucky to have you.

He sounds as though he has a personality disorder.
Im so sorry you are going through this. It’s sickening to find stuff like this but at least you have a plan.
He will not be as glad for you to leave as he has claimed to his friends. He will beg you to reconsider, cry crocodile tears to get you back. Part of the disorder.

Maybe his friends will get some insight when his behaviour contradicts his statements.

If you wanted to return to the UK, you could tell him you’re leaving the country but you know you cannot take DS.. So you’re leaving DS with him and he can take custody. He will panic and let you and DS go. I’d put money on it. So long as it’s his choice , if you see what I mean.

Autistic people have empathy. This is an outdated stereotype.

What we do struggle with is emotional reciprocation. What I mean by that is, if I was talking to you about one of my interests I would be absolutely ecstatic and you would probably be engaged even if it wasn't your interest. That is you displaying emotional reciprocation, however if it was the other way around it is like something doesn't tick in my brain that I have to show you the same courtesy if it isn't an interest of mine. Like there's a piece missing. This can be seen as a lack of empathy, but it isn't.

I can inwardly think, wow she is really passionate about this, but you might not get the same excitement you showed me. That wouldn't lead me to being cruel to you. It might make me seem a bit blunt though.

Autism doesn't make you cruel or vicious or display a pattern of disgusting behaviour towards your spouse.

The reason I am telling you this is because I do not think you should excuse his behaviour as possibly stemming from autism. I don't want you to use it as a get out of jail card for him.

If he thinks he could be autistic then he needs to get a proper assessment, but even if he were, and it wasn't a personality disorder or a mental health issue, it doesn't excuse his mistreatment of you.

He sounds more on the narcissistic spectrum to me. I was married to one like that. Same behaviours except mine cheated and the messages I found were between him and the harem. He didn’t have friends…everyone introduced as a friend when I first met him eventually saw through his lies and behaviours in the end and moved on to be acquaintances but didn’t like him much.

Hi, I don't know if anyone has already said but @Hummusandcrisps your story has been posted to People online. I just saw it on Instagram and recognised your story from previously reading it here. I won't link it for obvious reasons.

Just giving you a heads up, although I don't think you've said anything that would make you identifiable on real life.

DH has suffered with severe mental health problems (depression)

You say "has" but it's obvious they're ongoing.

Because no sane person would say what he's said about you, including making things up and no sane person would say "she can keep my son (but I don't want her to get any of my money)".

I have many issues with my h but the idea of him speaking like that about his child is unimaginable.

The guys not right in the head.

You seem to be leaving, definitely do so ... In the best way possible for yourself and your child.

You're a phenomenal woman @Hummusandcrisps. I think this thread is likely to get zapped for your own privacy. I hope you get the best outcome for you and your son.

Most qualified therapists from a range of disciplines are qualified to diagnose NPD. The criteria for it is very clear.

They’re both gross. And they also don’t have to “pay for everything”.

They can use their words and agency and choose not to.

I take it you still have access to his WhatsApp?