Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

"I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man."

This is the sort of thing people do in bad films. You'd have to be a sociopath to do this in real life - inviting a room full of all the people you know, who think they're arriving for a nice fun birthday celebration, forcing them to witness the breakdown of your marriage in real time as a big screen slideshow. That's... insane levels of theatrical self-absorption.

OP - I would have to tell him I'd seen the messages. Your reason for looking at his phone was legitimate. You weren't snooping. I'm not sure whether you feel this relationship is worth saving but in my opinion whether it is, or it isn't, you should be honest with him.

Beyond vile! I think he feels emasculated as you've done so much of the heavy lifting and all he's excelled at is being a fucking disappointment. The nasty things written about you are actually true of him. Get photos of the messages as backup. Once he realises you've seen them he'll delete them and he'll tell you that you imagined them.

Be careful and make sure you know where the money is and how much. You've shown him your hand saying you want to break up. He's now got time to hide assets under the guise of "working on the marriage". Once he's sorted he'll see the light and agree it's over.

@BitOutOfPractice no he got fired 5 months ago but he has found a new job starting next month but it's half the salary so I think alot of his anger is stemming from there. Even he can't find a local job because it's incredibly difficult, so he's taking a remote one.

I'm dreading the birthday party. He complained I hadn't got him a birthday present so I explained the party and all the stuff that gone into it, collective present (me and his friends) was his present, given that it costs alot to organise (in UK) and neither of us have been working so money has been tight. I just think it's that realisation now that whatever I do will never be enough and I just need to get out and move on.
Also his friends from the messages will be there. I haven't seen them for years so their responses are all the more hurtful. I want to keep my head held high, so no slideshow. But I might make a toast. One that makes them feel a bit uncomfortable and I will be cold towards them. Ironically the one friends wife has just left him so that speaks volumes. The other friend has never had a girlfriend. So maybe they are all just misogynistic pigs.

@HarlanPepper marriage worth saving! Really? Wow, how could anyone forgive those awful things said. 😱

OP, you are one very impressive woman.

You have:

• successfully been raising two children, one of whom is autistic
• run the household
• supported a depressed husband
• learned the local language
• passed the language test
• gone back to uni
• retrained
• got a job

You are amazing!!!! Well done. You should be proud of yourself.

You don't deserve his treatment of you - he is in the wrong here.

Now, make copies of the messages, and all financial documents, speak to a lawyer and start saving money.

I would also be wondering why my son doesn't want to be with his father. Does your husband's callous nature extend to his son?

Make sure he can't claim to be the main carer before you split

Have copies of the messages to show friends and family if needed although good friends will be on your side "nice guy" image or not

He’s projecting. He’s also not much of a catch, is he? Not sure hot girls normally hang out with grumpy, depressed, unemployed blokes.

OP you have been resourceful, flexible and focused on your child. This is admirable, whatever rubbish he says.

His hollow words about giving it another go mean nothing. Now at least you know (still sucks though of course).

When is his birthday? Like hell would I be organising a party for him!

He sounds awful, OP. And you are an amazing woman. Bet he feels inadequate so instead of praising you, he blames and diminishes you. What a prize shit he is.

You have got this xx

Oh yes I would definitely do this, but I’m a petty bitch. Assuming you’re not OP, sending a hug and wishing you a speedy retreat from this utter bastard xx

I think i have all the financial paperwork from his tax return and i needed it recently for something else. I have no doubt that he will be really difficult about it all. But I'm keeping my cards close to my chest whilst I make a plan.

I read in one of his messages that he agreed he'd be more miserable alone than with me. Still didn't inspire him to be less cruel. These messages are not a one off either, it's a pattern of betrayal and cruelty. That's what stings.

I'm absolutely full of admiration for you OP.

It must have been devastating for you to read these messages after all you have done for him and after all the efforts you have made to improve your own situation in your new country on top of your role as mother to your child.

Your reaction of making positive plans to leave this deluded and nasty man despite feeling so hurt and betrayed goes to demonstrate further what a strong and capable woman you are.

Agree there is no coming back. Legal advice first and start your getaway fund. As he is money orientated check he doesn’t have secret accounts. All of this needs to be done without his knowledge. I would be thinking about moving back home so you have family support too.

I didn't say it was. It's not my marriage.

Honestly, unless you have a EU passport and providing DC was born in the UK then I would go on holiday to the UK and not go back.

This would take time to plan - and it does depend on your commitments where you are (as in financial, is there a mortgage) but I would get all the details of all the accounts and take half when I landed in the UK.
You need a solicitor, my friend did this in reverse, so it maybe different, but she returned to a European country from the UK with the kids and left her horrible husband in the UK.
I can't see that you would be depriving your son of a relationship as it sounds like they don't have one now and he wouldn't bother if you divorced..

He sounds like a selfish prick

@Hummusandcrisps do you have copies of the messages? Make sure you do.

Keep moving forwards. Those horrible things are not about you, they’re about him. Don’t let them puncture your self worth. Imagine them just gliding over you. You are an impressive woman and he’s not going to bring you down. 💪🏻

Just wanted to come on and say do what's best for you and your son, leave this man and don't worry a put the narrative he spins afterwards to his friends, or even that he'll probably think he's won no matter what. You can't make him reasonable and you can't make him fair, you can just forge ahead in your own life with your son, and from what you've already done (moving, learning a language, studying, getting a job etcetera) you sound incredibly capable in adversity.

Sorry, but as someone who has also been hospitalised with severe depression, his behaviour is unacceptable. He is using his depression as an excuse to behave like an abusive arsehole. Don’t accept any more of it. Make sure you have a new bank account that he doesn’t know about and move 50% of your accounts into it, just before you tell him you’re leaving.

As for the therapist, there are therapists and “therapists”. She sounds like the latter.

I was thinking the very same.. sod that! He deserves absolutely no more of your time.

Can’t help wondering if there’s cocaine involved here.. countless lies, up and down moods/mental health issues 🤨 losing his job, caring more about his money than his family-incredibly poor show on his part. No wonder he’s made you out to be the problem!

OP, the tax return may not include ISAs or other savings accounts or investments.

He may be hiding money.

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man
I think that is something that works better in the movies than real life.
People are unpredictable and you don't know how his friends would react.

I would have taken photographs of the conversation as evidence and then started your exit strategy.
Awful man.
What's he like on a day to day with you.?

This. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have alot to be proud of and if there is a worthless person in your relationship it's definitely not you.

I'm in awe of you OP. You've accomplished so much in the last few years. All whilst looking after your son and having that moron to contend with.

To me, it sounds like he knows you are so much better than him and he resents you for it. You'll fly even higher when he is no longer dragging you down.