Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

SO much of what you have said is what myself and "DH" have been dragging ourselves through for the past 3.5 years. I too found messages, none as cold as your husband has said - but along the lines of "I'll be out when I'm done with this" to some woman he was trying to to impress while we were out having family time with our young children. I was shocked to the core and the more I looked, the worse it got. Be prepared for him to gaslight the hell out of you, because that's what's happened to me for over 3 years and it was only last week that I've been brave enough to fully end it. And I am SO angry with myself for listening to his false promises. If you can, get back on his phone and take photos to back yourself up or just to remind yourself how vile he is when he begs u to give it another go. In ur DH saying this to hia friends, he is deflecting his depression and trying to make his own problems somehow your fault. We too had counselling, it worked for a couple of months then got worse. Each time we decided to give it another go, things would be great for 2 weeks - but it was just a cover up for him to get his way and I suspect that your husband actually really needs you and once you are gone, he will realise what an AH he has been. It's toxic, disgusting and if he has said this in messages, God knows what else he has fed them. You know what you're have got to do. Just be brave and do it, because I can promise you that no matter what he promises, you will never forget these disgusting statements x

Could your husband be autistic? Could the depressive episodes be autistic burnout? Poor theory of mind might be contributing to his poor relationship with you? I don’t think this excuses his behaviour btw as he has been a huge, massive arsehole and I’m so sorry you’ve been through it. Just that if you think he might be autistic you might be able to plan a ‘better’ split if you can understand why someone behaviours are occurring.

I think you’re magnificent btw, you’ve achieved so much. Splitting could be the best thing. Wishing you every happiness.

The talk about making a film show of his messages is quite creative but OP's life is not a Channel 5 drama.

Any evidence you can gain with him not been able to manage your sons extra needs. Ie his depression and days in bed( who would look after your son then) take. Picture’s of all his inappropriate messages. When he has lapses keep a diary in your notes on your phone with a good password.

what a vile man and vile friends. There would be no party I wouid be attending with knowing what you know! Alcohol equals loose lips and it could just bubble when you see him laughing with his mates.

That’s absolutely heartbreaking. I hope you can leave this horrid horrid man.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but it sounds to me like he's envious of you. You manage the household and your autistic son, learned a foreign language, retrained at university and are now working again. And what's he done? Moped around, playing on his illness and eventually got fired from his job.

Please don't see this as bashing your confidence - he's making up all this shit to his friends to try to make himself look big because he wants what you have.

You sound fantastic OP, far too good for him.

You sound like an amazing person and Mum @Hummusandcrisps.

It sounds very much like your STBXH is using you as a convenient scapegoat / emotional punchbag for the problems in his life rather than face up to his own issues. His ego could not cope with you doing so well while he deteriorated.

You should get legal advice on your options at the earliest opportunity and go from there. Knowledge is power.

Oh and I would definitely use the bloody party to let all his friends know how awesome you are - language, qualifications, work.

Wishing you strength

@NoviceVillager yes we have both often wondered if he could be autistic given DS diagnosis. His therapist has thought it too, given that he doesn't have any empathy. She thinks he has a personality disorder but she's not qualified to make that assessment. He's just very negative alot of the time and I feel like I've spent so much energy trying to hold everything together, manage his moods.

Not easy I'm sure, but stay strong OP. Keep the copies of the messages and any financial paperwork. Bide you time as much as you can whether it's in terms of getting yourself financially secure, advice on exactly where you stand and what you're entitled to. Those messages show he's in the wrong and the comment about, she can keep our son, well that's a starting point for him having limited access. If you can't get yourself financially secure, I'd be arguing I gave up my career, family, friends for him in order that he could pursue the career/lifestyle he wanted.

It sounds like he uses you - always the victim, mental health issues that take him to bed, with you carrying all the responsibility whenever he fucks up or has an episode. This is not an equal marriage. Never mind you being the problem, rather than him having the insight or responsibility to see that he’s the problem.

Leaving him may be the making of him as he’ll have to take responsibility for himself at the very least.

I would explore returning to the U.K. as an option with a lawyer - just because it’s easier to move when kids are younger, once they reach a certain age it becomes much harder, especially if your son is autistic.

At least you’ve seen little value. They place on our contribution towards their lives.
I wish more women were aware.
It’s absolutely shocking and heartbreaking, isn’t it?
I was in a similar position and got divorced abroad or so split up abroad and then got divorced in the UK
You need to fake a holiday at home and not go back.
If you can squirrel away enough for six months rent in Advance and a few nights in a hotel. I found schools, accommodation, drs etc everything online from the other side of the world so you can do it too from Europe.

Not sure if this has been said, but file for divorce in the UK. The UK has a much more generous financial support for SAHM in divorce proceedings . Pensions, investments etc will all be taken into consideration in the settlement, where as in Spain (where I live) it's not as generous.

Hi OP

Just wanted to say how motivated, resilient and strong you sound. Living abroad, learning a language, and doing a degree while you have a son with difficulties and putting up with an awful lot from your husband is an amazing achievement. You have got this, I'm sure it will work out for you. If your husband tries for 50 50 I'd just smile and say you're looking forward to your new social life.

I felt so sad reading your messages. You have tried and tried and tried, haven’t you, and given him every chance to stop being a victim and to come on a different journey with you. Perhaps it’s depression that prevents him doing so but clearly none of this is your fault, and you deserve so much better. There is a different life out there and I personally cannot see what you risk by giving it a go. In its bad moments, you just need to remember some of this, and some of the times you have been so alone and isolated by someone who just hasn’t tried, hasn’t come to the counselling, hasn’t engaged with your son. I wish you the best @Hummusandcrisps

Yep. And add in some other really embarrassing stuff about him. Then end the slideshow with the presentation of divorce papers.

Stay strong OP. You sound amazing

A screenshot of the text where he says you can keep his son if he can keep his money.

I'm so sorry about the situation you're in. I'm wondering whether this is the time to suggest a move back to the UK as, with your husband having lost his job, the original reason keeping you where you are has gone? It would be easier if you were in the UK to relocate closer to your support network.

Wow you sound like Wonder Woman after discovering your horrible husband’s actions and words.
You are sensibly getting everything in order as you’re right you can’t stay with someone who talks about you this way - even if he says it’s his mental health talking. Take advice from MN and of course more importantly legal advice.
You and your son will do so much better without this sorry excuse of a man.
Stay strong for your son.
ps I like the idea of putting the messages up on a screen during his party, if you’ve got your divorce strategy in place by then - what a great revenge. Would take a lot of bottle though I know!

You sound so lovely and level headed. In a way, reading those messages, despite the upset, has done you a favour. You deserve so much better than the life that this man is offering. If seeing these messages has been the trigger to make you leave then I’d see it as fate intervening so you don’t waste a moment more of your love/loyalty on this man.

I wouldn’t worry about what his friends think or the lies he has told- you can’t control any of that and you know the truth, your child knows the truth, nothing else matters.

Glad you’ve copied all the messages OP. Because otherwise once you confront him he will just deny it to your family and friends and make it out that you’re ‘crazy’. Just bide your time - get copies of all his finances, his pension details, just everything. Get legal advice. Some solicitors offer initial consultations free. Just box clever here, and have all your ducks in a row when you eventually confront him. He really is an awful, vile man, and you deserve so much better.

i think birthday party and slideshow would be genius tbh especially comments about your son. What a scumbag

I wouldn't tell him you looked on his phone. When you end it, tell him that one of his friends sent you the messages as he thought you should know what your DH was saying behind your back. Let the suspicion run between all the misogynistic "bros". Refuse to give any further details.

As the party is in the UK, whilst there could you not say you've decided to stay in the UK?
A screenshot of all the messages, but especially the one saying he doesn't care if you take your son would be useful.
Another poster mentioned about not admitting to having checked his phone, but saying one of his friends had sent you the messages would also be something I would do.
Could you have a video call with a UK solicitor to see if you could legally stay in the UK after the party?... and if so I would definitely be sharing the messages at the party - if that happens he might well not want you to return to where you currently live anyway... just make sure you have all the paperwork you can get your hands on including everything for your son. Hide his passport when it's not being used for travel

This. I’m so sorry. What disgusting rats.

Get money transferred /financial information. I’d end the slideshow with Happy Birthday - hope you’re ready to be fleeced.