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Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
Coffee4life · 21/04/2025 18:31

I am so so sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been in a similar situation and I remember the sheer gut wrenching feeling reading the messages. Sending you so much love x

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 21/04/2025 18:33

I hope you’re ok OP. He sounds awful, don’t let any of his poison get to you. You’re doing so well to hold it all together.

You’ve made a huge contribution to this relationship by looking after your child and him. Don’t doubt yourself, he sounds the type that’d be complaining about you even if life was perfect.

Fuckitydoodah · 21/04/2025 18:34

Well, he sounds like an utter arsehole, but you sound like bloody wonder woman. He is not worthy of you.

There's a lot of projecting in his messages. Dragging you down obviously boosts his fragile ego.

I would absolutely screw him over in every way possible.

I wish you a happy future without the dead weight that YOU have been carrying.

jenrobin · 21/04/2025 18:35

IridiumSky · 21/04/2025 16:57

Perspective: A load of stupid blokes talking bollocks and making stuff up. In private.

It’s what blokes (often) do.

Then you looked at his phone. Always a bad move which rarely ends well.

It probably won’t help and you won’t believe me, but just because a bloke says something does not mean it’s true, or that he actually means or believes it.

I may of course be wrong, but would you concede I may not be?

How is/was your relationship before this discovery?

Edited

Radical idea incoming: expect men to be decent, kind, honest, loving and non creepy and then such men might not seem so rare to those with low standards. I would be honestly insulted to read your post about what what behaviours we can expect from "blokes".

researchers3 · 21/04/2025 18:47

AthWat · 21/04/2025 11:36

FFs, if anyone did anything this stupid, it's absolutely ridiculous to believe that anyone present would have the slightest sympathy for them after this performance. It's the one guaranteed way to have everyone there saying "Well, he was right wasn't he." Will people stop with this nonsense. Luckily the OP seems too sensible to dream of following it.

Show quote history

I would still sympathise with a woman who did this, provided it wasn't in front of any kids and she wasn't otherwise a lunatic.

But that's just me...

KTSl1964 · 21/04/2025 18:48

You said that you are in Europe so I'm not sure why you can comeback to the UK? You may not want to come back. What an arse he is - is he taking meds for his depression or is it just him opting out when it suits him.

AFrankExchangeofViews · 21/04/2025 18:48

You might find it is more beneficial to you to file for divorce in the UK. The UK has a more woman friendly court system compared to more patriarchal European courts. You can file in the UK being from here, and the first person to file in the first place is what determines it, so its very much a get in first situation.

Id look at your situation as an advantage, he doesnt know youve seen into his mind the way you have, so use it to your advantage. Take advice, get it all set up how you want, and then let him know he's getting his wish - might be a case of be careful what you wish for, I hope so.

YourWildAmberSloth · 21/04/2025 18:49

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 08:38

Not sure who asked - He got fired for gross misconduct which figures really.

I don't think legally I can just move back to the UK with DS as I would need permission from DH, otherwise he could say I've kidnapped him. I'm exploring all options at the moment, and I've applied for UK jobs too. I just need to catch a break and I'm keeping everything crossed that things go my way.

Is there anything I should keep a record of to guarantee custody? I've kept a diary but I'm not sure how helpful it is. Here they tend to give 50/50 custody and whilst I think it's important to have both parents in your life, I don't think he's capable of looking after DS. Or particularly interested. But i know he's so tight with money he won't want to pay child maintenance.

Definitely seek legal advice on this - as you are both UK citizens I don't think that moving back to the UK would be viewed in the same way as you moving to your home country where he had no right to go to.

Shelby2010 · 21/04/2025 18:55

I imagine if you tell him you are expecting him to have your son 50:50 because you ‘need to have time to live your own life’ and he ‘needs to step up to his responsibilities’ then you won’t see him for dust.

Think about what you need for your son to be written into any arrangements (eg that he stays at his current school funded 50:50?) and any payments for that are separate to child maintenance.

IridiumSky · 21/04/2025 18:56

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2025 18:17

Even if they didn't mean it (unlikely) why on earth would they say it?

Wouldn't occur to a half-decent man to do this

Show quote history

Because they are dickheads, that's why.

Such people exist.

badgermushroomm · 21/04/2025 19:01

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

This is a good idea 👏

WinterKitchen · 21/04/2025 19:05

Viviennemary · 21/04/2025 08:24

I don't think partners should be snooping on phones. However looks like OPs relationship is doomed. Who could carry on after reading this.

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She wasn't snooping.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 19:07

@Shelby2010 I don't think he would want 50:50 if he was honest with himself. But he would want it if it meant he paid less child support. All he cares about is money. He's terrified of losing his money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 19:13

@AFrankExchangeofViews that's what I'm thinking. In the country where I am, I've joined a women's divorced/divorcing group and they all say that it's a long drawn out process that favours whoever has the most money, 50:50 custody and a divorce costs somewhere between 40k and 250k and some women are still trying to divorce 9 years later. So I'm keen to avoid that.
My main focus is my son and moving on with my life.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 21/04/2025 19:13

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 18:30

He is also someone who takes zero responsibility for themselves. It is always someone else's fault. Getting fired for gross misconduct is not his fault apparently. Every 3 years he either leaves a job or "has to leave". It's always because of "someone, his boss, the company". I think it's all just highlighted how much I now just crave "normal, consistency, stability".

In the US getting fired for gross misconduct would be part of the divorce proceedings. No lawyer worth their salt would let that fly! I'm gonna ask what was the gross misconduct?

Imbusytodaysorry · 21/04/2025 19:13

@Hummusandcrisps it doesn’t sound like you want to return to the UK. Just a thought though would you manage financially where you are without his financial support .
What if he decides to return to the UK once you have decided to stay put . ( not sure about how maintenance payments are sorted from different countries )
what if he decides to go to work in Dubai where I think there is no way of getting him to pay for his child .

I’d get to a lawyer asap so it’s all ready for them just to notify him when you say go.
I am sure you can then use that as your official separation date or from the date two weeks ago ,When you told him it was over .

Motherearthisbusy · 21/04/2025 19:15

First of all - amazing restraint for sitting on that for 3 weeks I would have kicked his head off instantly but that would have been the wrong move.
You need to get everything in order - finances etc and then tell him to leave - calmly. You can folllow it up with ‘you’ll be pleased to know your wish is coming true and I’d like you to leave so you can get out of this unhappy marriage and go and find a fun life that you clearly crave’.
i would also then tell him you’ve read all his messages. I wouldn’t give a shit.

i guarantee the life he thinks he can have is not out there, he is in a dream world. You, however, seem like a real head screwed on kind of gal. What a dick he is.
You’ll def find happiness with someone else thats for sure.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/04/2025 19:15

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 19:13

@AFrankExchangeofViews that's what I'm thinking. In the country where I am, I've joined a women's divorced/divorcing group and they all say that it's a long drawn out process that favours whoever has the most money, 50:50 custody and a divorce costs somewhere between 40k and 250k and some women are still trying to divorce 9 years later. So I'm keen to avoid that.
My main focus is my son and moving on with my life.

@Hummusandcrisps It's really important that you obtain UK legal advice as well.

If you and your husband are British citizens you can divorce in the UK legal system. It sounds like that might be more beneficial for you.

But you have to get in there first, before your husband decides to divorce you in the local legal system where you live.

stargazer2012 · 21/04/2025 19:20

Good luck with it all, he sounds utterly deluded.

WinterKitchen · 21/04/2025 19:22

Chocaholic1216 · 21/04/2025 12:09

Be prepared for him to start throwing around the emotional blackmail card of threatening suicide if you say you are divorcing him. He sounds like the type of person who would want to manipulate you and play the victim like that

If he threatened that I'd just say do it now and save the divorce hassle.

MrsCob888 · 21/04/2025 19:25

I would be nice as nine pence and get myself a game plan!! Would rinse him

pistachio83 · 21/04/2025 19:36

If it’s France, it’s so hard to get a divorce.

Alwaysinamood · 21/04/2025 19:44

It all sounds very complicated, but clearly you are both unhappy. Do you have a support network there? Or can you get a job in the UK and move back there? If your son is only young, he will settle if you move back. It’s not like he’s 17, with a routine, life long friends etc. you need to talk you your family about it, I’m sure they will support you.

justasking111 · 21/04/2025 19:45

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/04/2025 19:15

@Hummusandcrisps It's really important that you obtain UK legal advice as well.

If you and your husband are British citizens you can divorce in the UK legal system. It sounds like that might be more beneficial for you.

But you have to get in there first, before your husband decides to divorce you in the local legal system where you live.

Show quote history

Really, @Hummusandcrisps could divorce him through the English courts. That's good news.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 19:49

@Alwaysinamood we don't have any family here but lots of friends, it feels like home now. I can only stay if I can find a permanent contract job. But the quality of life is better here so if I can make it work I will. I think if I could work I'd be financially better off here than the UK. The only thing I wouldn't be able to pay for or all of is my son's school fees but there are good public schools. I was only reluctant for him to go there because of the language barrier adding to his frustrations. We've encountered that before.

OP posts: